Merry Christmas

I just wanted to take a moment to wish every one a very merry Christmas.  This time of year is such a great time.  It is a time to slow down and be with family and friends.  I get to enjoy being with everyone.  I love the excitement of the year and being with my daughter.

Today we spent time with my parents.  We don't see them much any more since they moved up north from us.  We are lucky to still have them around so I love the time I get to spend with them.  It is a time to just relax and take in the world around us.  You know that the new year is right around the corner and so many possibilities are coming.

I have heard people say " who cares about the new year it is just going to be the same stuff another year longer".  Well I like to think that  it means we can look toward something new coming.  New year dreams, new adventures, new blessings, a time for new ideas.  I like to think of it as a fresh time to get going.  It is like how nature takes time to rest during winter and them blooms bright come spring.  Well that is what we can do with the new year. We come back refreshed from all the stuff that has happened over the past year.  Brush it off and think of the amazing adventure ahead.

With that said I hope you have a very blessed week ahead and smile as you look forward to all the possibilities  that are headed your way.

Happy Holidays from our house to yours.

Feeling Pretty Good

So for a long time things were really rough.  Then all of the sudden the other day I was sitting here doing my surveys and such and it hit me.  I was fine.  I wasn't stressed even though a lot of things were crazy.  I was relaxed and at peace with my situation.  I didn't care that things were going wrong. I was just enjoying sitting with my daughter and doing my thing.  It was a great feeling.

As you all know it has been a long time that things have been going crazy for me.  Every day I woke up worried about what was going to go wrong and would I make it just one more day.  This day it was all gone.  I wasn't worried, or stressed or anything of the sort.  I was just at peace.  It was an amazing moment for me.  It has been so long but I got there.  Every day since I have thought about that feeling and I keep it going.  Not every day is perfect and sunshine but I am still here.

I am also thinking about taking a big step into a career change where I am in charge.  I want to help people.  I want it to be in a big way though so I am thinking of becoming a life coach.  I can help people figure out what they want to do and how to get there.  I am not sure this is my true calling but it has been on my mind day after day for at least a week now so I am researching the topic.  I think it would be amazing to help others find their true passion and how to get there.

I am ready to change and do big things with my life.  I know I am poor in money but I am rich in faith and spirit.  I am going to make it.  So will you.

Just a Little Chat

So the holidays are upon us.  For me that means shopping for my daughter, parents and a few friends.  It is a time to just be with family and enjoy,  we can start to look forward to the next year as well.  It is a fun time of year.

Some people get all stressed out and are so caught up in the shopping they miss out on the joy of the season.  I like just slowing down and enjoying what is going on in my life.  My daughter gets so excited about Christmas still which is nice to see at her age.  We take time to pick out the gifts for everyone together.  She is very particular about what she wants to get people.  We help buy gifts for a needy child each year and she likes picking stuff out for them.  I think she would spend every last dollar I have on them if I would let her.  I feel blessed to have raised such a caring child.

As we get closer I want to slow down even more and enjoy the time.  It seems like each year it goes faster and faster, before I know it she will be 18 and graduating high school and off to college.  I want to enjoy every last second I can.  Even though this year has been so rough, when I stop to think there is still so much to be thankful for.

So as the holidays roll through take take the time to enjoy the people around you.  Slow down and just take it all in.  It is going to go by no matter what so why not just enjoy it.  You will not get time to do it again.

Need a Nap

I am soooo exhausted lately.  I have no energy and I just want to sleep all the time.  I know I should go work out or something so I would have more energy but I just want to sleep.  It is horrible because no mater how much or little I sleep I have no energy.

I have asked the doctors and they have no answer.  Now that I am not pregnant that is not a reason but they can not give me a better one.  I just want to be able to make my to do list and then actually be able to do it.  I have basically sat on my couch all day today wishing it was bed time.

Hopefully tomorrow I will have the energy to be able to get some stuff done.  I have a ton of stuff that I need to get done at my house and my other house too.  My daughter will be at her dad's house so there will be no distraction as far as making sure she doesn't have a seizure and that sort of thing I can just get to work and do my stuff so hopefully I can make it.

I have been avoiding going to my dr. because he doesn't know I am not pregnant anymore and I really do not want to have to talk about it, but I really need to get some answers.  I do not want to be the person who is trapped in their home because they can no longer function properly or because I have to be on so many medications that I feel like a zombie any way.

Here is to having a good day tomorrow.  I am going to think positive and just plan on a good day so hopefully I will pump myself up a little and make it happen.

Holding On By a Thread

Lately it has been one mess after another it seems like.  This has been an extremely challenging year.  There was my daughter and all the sinecures she was having.  Her health was beginning   to decline and I was scared that she may not make it through the year.  It was an extremely hard point in life.

Then there was the baby.  It is still haunting me almost every day.  I always think about it and how things would be different if I was still pregnant.  I know things happen for a reason but it doesn't make the situation hurt any less. My uncle that past away in June would have had his birthday yesterday.  We decided to have a small family dinner in his honor.  My cousin had his new baby there and I couldn't even look at it or go int the same room.  It was horrible.

People who I thought were my friends have basically cut me off and no longer really even acknowledge me because they feel I don't have time for them and such.  I guess that isn't too bad considering they have not taken me and my daughter into consideration and feel like we should worry about them more even though my life has been a mess.

The topper is now I am on the verge of losing my job.  I do not make enough really as it is and now I might lose the only income I really have. I already owe like everyone a ton of money so losing my job is not really feasible. I have no control over it though at this point which makes it tough.  They will either keep me or they won't.

So This year has not been one of my favorites.  It has been one of the most trying, yet here I am still.  I have no idea why I am here or what my purpose is but I am here.  I will still take each day as it comes but what my reason is right now I do not know

Getting on With Your Life After Loss

So it has been more than a month since my loss.  I have good days and bad days.  Some things are a little more emotional than others.  My cousin had a baby the other day and day and my friend is about to have one any day now.  Don't get me wrong I am very happy for both of them.  I wish them nothing but the best.  It doesn't make it any less hurtful in my situation.

There are thing every where that are reminders.  Even reading the ads is hard when they are having the baby sales.  Seeing everyone out with there babies and knowing that won't happen for me is hard.  Sometimes I think about what it would have been like had I still been pregnant.  I know how much time was left and I think about how big I would be and what I would be feeling right now.

It is hard.  I remind myself of all the reasons that it is ok, like all the pain I was in and the fact that I have a child who already needs so much of my time.  Of course my age was a big thing.  The big one is God needed another angel for something.  Those things sometimes help me remember to not be so lost.  Then all it takes is one little thing like some one selling a car seat on line or a coupon for bottles and suddenly I am back to the fact that I don't need those because I am not pregnant.

It has only been a little over a month so it is still fresh.  In time I know I will be better.  I can't say it will ever go away but it will get better.  I will be able to see other people have new babies and not feel loss but rather joy and happiness.  One day the pain will be so much less but until then I will have to do my best to move forward.

Another Year Older

So my birthday was Sunday and now I am a year older.  I am in my late 30's and so much has happened in my life.  This last year has been a complete roller coaster.  Though I have figured out that each year I worry less about the number my birthday brings.

I am more happy with spending time with my family.  For the last 3 years I have used my birthday weekend to go with my daughter and my parents to Uncle John's Cider Mill.  I am in Michigan in case you didn't know and it is a very popular place during the fall.  They have a pumpkin patch and make their own cider and donuts.  When we get there we take the ride to the patch to get started.

We stroll through looking for the perfect pumpkins, then we load them in the car and head into the mill and get cider and donuts.  We pick out a table and eat and drink for a moment.  Before we go we hit the gift shop to see what new stuff they have that year.  It is a small trip but one I enjoy.  Why do I enjoy such a simple birthday?  Because it is with people I care so much about.

Sure I could have a huge party and invite a ton of people, but would it mean as much?  Would it create the great family memories that I now have.  Not at all.  My daughter will soon be grown herself and the childhood memories will be just that, memories.  She will have things of her own to do and ultimately have less time for these types of things.  I want to do things that make me happy.  Having my little quiet birthday does just that.  One year older and another year of joy.

Down With The Pounds

So I am down 5 more pounds.  I am working on eating out less to start.  I got a little side tracked and was eating out a little too much.  I have continued to have my smoothies with the protein powder.  I really like buying the frozen fruit at #Target.  It is very tasty and makes things very simple.  I have the #Nutribullet and I just put in the fruit and powder and blend it in the to go cup and drink it at work.

I have not started back to the gym yet.  I really need to go but I have napping way to much again.  That is a big down fall of mine.  Over the years I have been napping so much it is crazy.  I take my daughter to school then come sleep until the last minute before work.  Sooo not healthy.  Today I decided to stay awake.  Napping is a hard habit to break when you have been doing it for like 9 years now.

So what is your favorite way to spend your extra morning time?  What do you get done before leaving to work?  I will have an extra hour after I go to the gym when I start o I want some ideas of things I can accomplish with my extra time before I have to get ready to go.

When Does High School Drama Stop!

When we leave high school we think that all of that drama will be behind us.  We are having to leave all the childish things behind and start new.  It is a time that we can be happy that we have made it through those crazy years.  Or is it?

I just had an experience yesterday that made me feel like I was in high school all over again.  I had a friend send me a message claiming that his ex had just called him telling him that I had told people he was my now gone babies father.  Her and I no longer speak and they are separated and he lives in a totally different state.  She is the one who wanted him to leave so please tell me why she is causing drama?  She has so little meaning in my life that she is not even aware yet that I am no longer pregnant.  She claims it was some one who has been a friend for 15 years.  Not sure if she meant mine or hers but the only people that we have both known that long are people that I no longer even talk to.

My thing is if she wanted him gone and has possibly even moved on then why is she constantly calling him trying to start fights?  Why is she using me to try to start these fights and make my life harder?  I almost had a complete break down because when he asked me about it, it brought back those feelings of losing my child all over again.  

She clearly is out to hurt people.  It is a totally childish thing to do.  Especially for a person who is almost 30.  Like do we not have grown up things to do, like maybe be a parent and mind your own business.  If you don't want to friends any more fine I am a big girl I have my own life.  If you don't want to be married that is your business but don't try making others miserable just because you are apparently not happy about some thing.  We Are Not In High School!!!!!

Weight Update

So I am down 5 pounds.  It is not a ton but it is a start.  I have continued to use the smoothies with the protein powder.  I have tried not to eat fast food as much and keep the sugary drinks low.  I will never completely cut out #coke but I do try to not over do it either.  My goal is no more than one a day but some times I have more than that and it is ok too.  I will be attempting to go back to the gym starting Monday however I have been in quite a bit of pain so we shall see how that starts out.

I am not trying to starve myself nor deprive myself.  I am just trying to be a healthier me and a more confident me.  You do not have to be a size 2 in order to be happy.  If you are being healthy and you are you are happy at a size 10 then that is fine too.  It is all about how you feel about yourself and if you are happy.  Now I am not promoting being 300 pounds and thinking that is fine but I am not saying you have to be a twig either.  If what you are doing is making you unhealthy or unhappy then you should fix it. You do not want to die at 35 because you loved cheeseburgers too much but having them now and then is not the end of the world

I will continue my journey until I am happy with the results.  I am not sure what size that will make me.  I do know that what ever size I end up it will be what I am happy with and not a number that some chart has labeled me as needing to be.

Kids Growing UP

So the girl is in her freshman year of high school.  It has not started out so well but I know she has to grow up a little some time.  It is hard but I am trying my best.  This week she has her first homecoming dance.  Now she has been to other dances but nothing so important like this.  This is a big first step.

She originally even had a date to go but unfortunately he can't go now for what ever reason.  Honestly I am ok with that to tell the truth.  I was not ready for her to have a date too.  She seems to be ok and says she is going no matter what.  I am proud of her for stepping out of her comfort zone as well.  This is something that before she would not have been so willing to do.  All the other dances I had to be a chaperon so she would go.  This time she was the one who made the decision and knows I won't be there but she can call me if she needs me and I will be right there.

I think that is an important factor in her feeling confident in this new journey.  I have made sure she knows that no matter what she can count on me,  I always tell  her even if it is something that might make me mad she can always call me for help.  I tell her I might be mad but we can talk about it and I would rather her tell me the truth then lie and end up in danger.  She knows that even if she wants to date or drinks at a party she can talk to me and we will get through whatever together.  I want her to know that I am there.  Even if she makes a bad choice I would rather her come to me for help than get hurt.

Lazy Cold Day

It is turning into fall here.  It is cold outside and I officially have the heat on.  Plus it is raining so it i even colder.  Today I basically lazy.  The girl and I did do some cleaning but not enough to really count.  I ordered another blanket so the animals can stop stealing mine.  It is a #victoriasecret sherpa so it is very warm.

I really have no plans for this weekend.  She goes with her dad tomorrow so I have no idea what I want to do.  Probably going to be lazy again until it is time to go get her.  I really should be more productive but I really do not feel like it.  I have so much work to do around here.  Does the cold weather do this to anyone else?

It is like it just drains a person of all life.  I need to find a way to get going because my daughter has made a huge mess of my house and it is not going to clean itself.  The desire to sleep is so strong though.  Hopefully tomorrow I will be more motivated or at least fake it enough to get some stuff done.  I have a ton of clothes to go through and some already bagged up to donate.  I just need to get it done.

Well wish me luck hopefully I can get going.

On To Healthier things

Awhile back I was going to take you on my journey of weight loss.  Unfortunately things did not work out the way I planned.  I was not on a good schedule and such.  Well I am going to get started again.  To update everyone I am no longer pregnant so I can start this journey again.  I will be honest so others can feel more secure in doing this as well.

I am starting out at 199 pounds.  This is quite big for me since I am only about 5 foot.  I gather all my fat in my mid section so it looks very odd.  I used to weigh about 104 pounds so I went up quite a bit obviously.  I hope you will join me in this if nothing else just to be a healthier you.  The whole goal is to be healthy.  I will tal about numbers but the real goal is to think more about our bodies.

My first effort is my morning smoothie.  I have a #Nutribullet and I use frozen fruit for the most part.  I do add bananas and apples at times as well.  I then add some protein powder and then blend it and take it to work with me.  I need to add exercise so I have a gym membership and intend to start going starting on Monday.  Lets do this together.  It is better when you have motivation and a group to do it with. The more support we all have the better we will do.

#letsgetmoving

Crazy Day

SO I was supposed to go for my check up today but I didn't because I think I have a cold and felt terrible.  At work I had one of my best work days so far.  Then I come home and my daughter starts acting crazy and having an attitude.

It was like a roller coaster that didn't stop.  Because she is mad at me she has decided to do her homework on the kitchen floor.  She is 15 mind you so this is just weird.  She does have learning issues that make things very difficult but still she is very crazy some times.   This is another reason I feel having only one child will be best for this house.  She is a lot of work when she has mood swings.

How about you?  How old are your children?  What do you do to deal with their mood swings or difficult behavior?

I hope one day I will figure out how to manage life with her so that she can feel more confident and feel like she can accomplish things.  My biggest fear is that she will cripple herself thinking she can not get far and live that way forever.

New Decisions

So after a long weekend and a lot of emotions I am trying to make a change.  I have decided I need to make some serious changes to my life.  I have had so many emotional things happen and I have been let down by so many.  I realized this weekend that I have given so much of myself to make others happy without worrying about the consequences it would have on me.  I have put them above my own mental and physical health.  It is time to stop this cycle.

It is ok to help people and consider how your actions will affect others, but at the end of the day you have to make sure you and your family are taken care of.  If you let yourself bottle everything up then eventually you will finally break. This is what happened to me over the weekend.  I realized how many people have  used me for their benefit and then when I was no longer needed they dropped me.  I was to trusting that they cared as much as I did but I was wrong.

The problem is my heart is too open.  I am not saying be closed off completely but you really have to know the people you let in your circle.  Make sure the people you invest your time in are investing their time back into you.  Even a little bit.  They may never be able to give as much as you for whatever reason, but make sure they are giving back and not just taking.  If you are the only one giving in a relationship then it might be time to re-evaluate things between you.

I want everyone to live an emotionally healthy life.  Please just keep an eye on who you are letting in your life.  Make sure they are making you as happy as you make them.  Life is give and take.  Please take the time to love and live to the fullest.

Moving Forwrd

 So I have been writing about my pregnancy lately.  It was crazy to find out in the first place and then to find out it is in jeopardy. I have had to sit and think about my options as it pertains to every one.  I have severe health issues and do I want to go all the rest of the months for nothing.  I can barely take care of my daughter that already has health issues and there are many months to go.

I have an appointment on Tuesday and I am going to discuss ending the pregnancy.  I know that this is a very controversial issue and many people will be offended by my decision.  I must say I never thought I would ever even think about doing it, but here I am faced with a million uncertainties and a child that is 15 and quite often still needs my help to shower.  I know that I may lose readers and people might even leave nasty comments.

I understand where those people are  coming from I really do.  I know what I am saying and I know what it means if I go through with it.  It is going to be very painful and emotional and I will have to live with the decision for the rest of my life.  Let me just say that it has not been easy to think about.  I have had to think about all the pros and cons for the last month now.  It is really hard to even think about.  The alternative is just as hard.  I may have to watch my child suffer because I can,t help her or know that I am going to go full term for nothing or have another child that needs full attention.

How do I say one child needs me more than the other.  How do I decide which one is more important than the other?  Do I leave one suffering while I help the other in distress?  What if they are both in distress at the same time?  There are so many factors to consider.  There is also my health to consider.  If I am too sick to do anything then who takes care of them?  If I go full term and my health gets so bad do I recover?  What about my daughter who is here how can I be 100% for her?

I understand people will be mad.  Though as I have pointed out it is not always about just ending things.  There are many reasons why I am leaning toward this decision.   It isn't always about finances or just using it for birth control.  Some women have real reasons they may have to make this choice.  I am sure people are going to have an opinion but at the end of the day it is about what is best for everyone.

Sad News

This will probably be a short post but wanted to share.  I was trying to share being pregnant and be honest about my experience.  Well the sad truth is it does not look good and I will probably not be able to continue.

I have not known for even a month so that lessons the blow a little but it is still hard to think about all the same.  As I am single and older I will not have another opportunity for this experience again.  It is hard to process that idea.  I do however have a beautiful 15 year old daughter and I will continue to  be the best mom to her that I know how and that will never change

Not Feeling The Love

My body is out to get me at this point.  Everything is hurting and a lot of problems are popping up.  Sadly some of them are untreatable while pregnant so if it is positive I have them then I am really not sure what is going to happen.   My body will shut down slowly as the baby drains every bit of energy I have left from fighting so hard.  This is very dangerous for me, not to mention my daughter here since she does have seizures.  The other option is to treat things so I am better but then I risk the baby.

I am so at odds here really. I mean I have my daughter and myself to think about but how do you say that one life is more important than the other.  It is a very confusing situation really.  Then they say oh but it could be nothing too.  Although let us run all these other tests because we really have no idea.

It is very scary to be honest.  I want us all to be healthy but I have no idea what is going on and I am very concerned with the situation.  I have no idea how to handle this really. I am not prepared to have to make any major choices.  This pregnancy has been crazy enough with out adding more stress.  I really am so at odds with this whole thing.

I am just going day by day.  Trying to stay positive about the outcome.  I am sure things will be ok .  It is just hard not knowing what is happening, all the while being in pain all the time.

Another Day of Testing

So as we have been discussing pregnancy in honest detail today took a crazy turn.  They still do not have answers for me about the extra stuff that is going on.  I feel awful all the time. This is not all sparkles and rainbows at all.  The testing sucks a whole lot.  Blood draws and urine tests then they were pushing on my ovaries which are what started the testing that found the baby.  I wanted to crawl off the exam table.

Then I have to make amends with the fact that this pregnancy might not last any way due to other factors and health reasons.  That was weird to hear really.  I am older and things get more complicated and then there is the fact of health and everything that I am already prone to issues with.

I have only known for about a week now so it really hasn't affected me either way to be completely honest.  The dad has said he will be supportive no matter what happens.  He is by my side figuratively speaking as much as I need him.  He has been great for an ear everyday so that has been nice.  My daughter's father made me as miserable as possible during my whole pregnancy.  Having some one to just listen to  my frustration is more helpful than you can imagine.

For some this all might be too honest.  I think it is only fair that we can really discuss the reality of the situation.  Not all pregnancies are the same.  Not everyone has the same support system that is super supportive and there every second.  Not everyone has the easiest most pleasant experience either.  I apologize if it is too honest but I think it is fair to everyone to get all the details in an honest fashion.

And It Just Keeps Coming

I have decided to focus on real talk about this pregnancy.  People are always talking about how great it is to be pregnant.  Well some times it is not and I think we should be able to talk about those things too.

So as much trouble as I am already having with this whole pregnancy thing, now I found out that all the medical stuff that was tested when this was discovered was messed up.  They contradicted each other and now I have no idea what else is wrong with me.

I have come to understand that   I may not even stay pregnant.  I may have to give up the idea due to, too many other complications going on.  I have to make choices based on the facts and since I already have a child here that I need to take care of.  She has medical things that require extra attention.

I have so many emotions right now.  Confusion is the biggest.  I am not really attached but I feel guilty about choices being made.  I worry about my daughter but she seems to not be fully interested either so I probably don't have to worry about her but I do.  I have talked to the father  and he says he will still be there emotionally for me no matter what happens.  That is helpful at least, even if that is all he can offer right now I will take.

My body is having so many problems it is unreal.  I am not quite 4 months but I already feel like I am due now.  I am miserable and if I go to term I will be in so much pain it will be unreal.

Feelings Are In

So now that I have officially announced that I am pregnant I am having backwards emotions. I am feeling overwhelmed.  I am not feeling the attachment I thought I would.  I am more scared than anything.  I so worried about what is going to be affected and if I am going to regret this.

I am going to be a single mom again.  I worry that my daughter is going to regret the new baby.  What if I can't take care of the new one.  I am so freaking out to tell the truth.  I really have no anything right now.  I know this sounds harsh but as parents we should be able to express our real feelings. Not ever pregnancy is rainbows and sprinkles.

They can be very scary and draining.  Things can go wrong or like me you may have no clue that this is still possible so it is total shock.  Why do we have to pretend that it is all wonderful if that is not how we feel. People keep saying that I will be more into it when it gets closer.  Well what if I am not?  This is a real concern of mine,  What if my older daughter doesn't connect with it.

There are just so many things running in my brain.  Doing it alone is much harder than the first time.  I thought I would be ok but the truth is I am petrified and that is my reality.

The Biggest Surprise Ever

So I had been super sick for weeks and with a history of health conditions it was time to go to the Dr.  I went and they did all of the usual stuff.  They started with the Urine test and then did the blood work and then due to my PCOS they sent me to get an Ultrasound in case of cysts or cancer.  They also wanted an ultrasound of my thyroid in case.

Last Tuesday was the day I was scheduled for the ultrasounds.  They were taking a million pictures and not really telling me much.  Then the tech says they would not be able to tell me any results that day but they should be available in 24-48 hours.  She keeps scanning because she has to do the uterus and both ovaries.  By now my bladder is beyond full and I just want to get to the part where I get to go to the bath room.

Suddenly she says you have a little one in there.  I look at her thinking she is talking about a cyst of some sort so I say excuse me?  She says you have a little one in there as in a baby.  WHAT!?!?!?!?  Sure enough I am pregnant again.

Talk about a major surprise!  My only child just turned 15 years old.  I am in my late 30's and not to mention I was told it wouldn't happen again due to my medical history.  Craziest moment ever.  So here I am laying there and she shows me the baby and plays it's heartbeat for me.  I was already 14 weeks pregnant.  I couldn't believe it.  I am going to be starting over again.  I hae not done this forever.

I am going to blog the next 5 months.  Hopefully it may help another older unexpecting mother at some point.  Plus my circumstance is not as completely joyous as you would think.  I will be single mothering with no help of any kind from the other parent so this will be interesting.  STAY TUNED!

Nearing The End of the Year

So the end of the school year is fast approaching.  It seems like there is so much to do before it gets here.  Especially if your child is at the end of one building heading to another.  My daughter is leaving middle school for high school so there is extra to be done.  She has projects to complete and recognition night.  She is so busy with finishing her work too.  So how do you keep the momentum going and stay on track.

The best thing you can do this time of year is stay with the schedule you already have.  Even if it the nigh before the last day of school, stick to the bed time routine and what ever else you may do.  Children do best when they have a routine.  They really do best when there is structure.  They need to know that have certain things they need to do a certain times.  During school you have a routine and then summer is their time.

Even then there should still be some type of structure.  You should still have some type of bedtime and continue the nightly routine just as usual.  Keep them doing some things as usual.  They may nt like it now but they will respect you later.

Keep going it is almost here so you can enjoy a little summer fun. Have a great day.

Happy Mother's Day

I was not prepared for what becoming a Mother really meant.  It is a huge sacrifice of your former self.  It has no manual to tell you what to do for any particular event that may come.  There is no pay, time off or anything that would be associated with regular employment.  None the less it is a position I proudly hold.

Our life together has not been easy since the beginning.  We have had our fair share of challenges to say the least.  The thing is at the end of the day we are together so the hard stuff isn't as bad.  I am able to see my daughter grow up into the amazing person that she is.  Becoming a Mom has changed me for the better.  I can not say where I would be if I had not become a Mom.

Being able to take care of my daughter and show her of to the the world is an amazing feeling.  She is really my greatest accomplishment.  There are so many things that I could have changed about the way I handle being a Mom but then would she be the same person.

So to all the Mom's who have put there children first and sleep last.  For doing your best to make the world just a little better by being there for them.  I shout to you HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!  May each year be better than the one before

A Way To Add To Your Savings

So I am working on something new.  I am trying out something new so I can make a little extra money.  You tell them your interests and they match you to companies that you might like to give a review about.  As people click on it you make money.  If you want to try it out yourself her is the link.  Happy earning  http://bst.is/iq6QW8  

A Few Updates

So today I am just going to talk about updates.  A lot has happened over the last year and I talked about some of them.  I am going to tell you today how things are going as we have made our way.

I have been divorced for a year now.  It is still hard to accept because I trusted him with everything I had which included my child, and he let me down.  The hardest part is he continues to let my daughter down but refuses to acknowledge she is hurting.  I can not change that.  I can only love her as much as I can and try to move forward.  He has completely moved and seems to be doing great while I continue to struggle with many things.  I pray and keep going and just do my best to help my daughter.

Weight loss is a constant struggle.  I have lost 20 pounds but have a lot to go.  We have had a rough year health wise so getting to the gym has been a distant thought completely.  I have a lot more to go but I am trying to at least be more conscious about how much I eat.  I don't really make a big deal about what I eat but how much and when. I am working on eating only when I am hungry and stopping when I am full.  Not snacking just to eat.

My daughter still has seizures and other things going on.   It has been a tough struggle this year for her health wise and it is really starting to get to her.  he is trying to remain positive but I know she is hurting in so many ways.  All I can do is be there for her and give her as much love as I can.  I continue to pray for her each day.

Things have been tough but My God, me and my daughter are tougher.  We will get through this. It may be next year or longer but we will make it and rest assured we will thrive at the end of the day.  

When Kids Grow Up

As a parent we all want to treasure those moments when our children are little.  We love how they are constantly learning new things.  Everyday is a new adventure.  We get to have so much fun and get so much joy out of their experiences.  It is the joy of parenting.

The problem is they are growing up a little each day.  They know it is happening and are very eager to get to the next step.  As parents we just see our little baby playing and having fun.  Then BAM! suddenly it starts to set in to you they are growing up.  They are no longer a baby but they are learning to be more independent.

The hardest hit for me so far was realizing my daughter is a teen and she is really only 3 years away from being an adult.  It is hard to accept the fact that eventually she is going to be the one making all her choices and she will not have to listen to me about how to be careful or make sure you are doing this and that.  She is developing into a young lady and there is nothing I can do to stop what is happening.

Here is my advice.  Let them be little for as long as you can.  Do not force them to be older than they are.  They will grow up soon enough so let them go.  Let them get messy, be crazy, have lazy days, have pj day.  Soon enough they will have a fashion sense of their own, they will have activities they will need to attend to. They will worry if they look ok no matter what their fashion preference is. IT IS OK TO LET THEM BE LITTLE!  If your kid is not going potty at 1.5 do not let the parents who have kids at 1 using the potty get you down.  Chances are they are forcing their child before they are really ready and that could be scaring their kid.  Now if they are 5 in diapers then maybe you want to push a little more but even then maybe they are just late bloomers.  Lord knows my daughter is blooming far behind the other but I am ok with that.

The day will come that she has to be responsible and she will learn to get through it just like the rest of us have.  Soon enough I will be older and it will be her helping me make sure things are in order or I am getting around my house ok.  So for now I want her to be 14.  I want her to have 14 year old things to do.  I want her to look 14.  Soon enough she will be 18 and that is when it will time for her to look and act 18. Until then she is my little girl and I am not trying to rush a second of any of it.

Those Days

Do you ever have days where people's questions and sarcasm really just make you want to never talk to another person again?  I will be honest, I do.  Especially when some one wants to play 21 questions after I just said I had a crazy day.  If I said they fell at the dr. and went the ER why is it suddenly where did they fall, what were they doing, did you tell some one?  I don't know they just fell and I left them on the sidewalk to fend for them self. They I am referring to is a 14 year old girl with seizure disorder so of course as soon as she fell I got her inside and had the dr that was in the office look ate her.  Then I get well aren't they supposed to keep the sidewalks ice free.  Well when there was freezing rain that can be a challenge and the fact that there was a guy out there trying to clear the walk as best as he could again during freezing rain,  really what do you expect?  It is winter and we had snow with freezing rain of course there was icy spots.

Using sarcasm all the time is frustrating too.  Like if I post a very nice picture on Facebook and say I love these guys and you respond with they are bad I am ignoring that.  I am sharing a nice moment and you are out to find a way to make it less nice.  When it is practically done on every post I do it really seems more like you are being mean after awhile.  Sorry if this sounds crazy but I am just frustrated right now by some peoples behavior.

If you are supposed to be my friend and know the struggle I have had with my ex husband even being involved to the point it is part of the custody order and I tell you that he needs to start being a parent why are you as my friend and some one who is supposed to care about y daughters well being knowing the stress and anger she has suffered continually trying to make things easier for him.  I don't need you to be a medium between us. I pay a lawyer $15 an email to do that.  If he can not grow up and be a parent that is his problem and he can suffer the consequences.  Just b my friend be there for my child and let me be a parent and handle that stuff.  I was married to him not you.

There is a chance people will read this and realize I am talking about them, be mad and even stop being my friend or something but here it is.  I have severe anxiety, I have a lot of stress and I do not sleep.  I grind my teeth while awake to the point my jaw hurts.  I have a lot of  things going on.  I just want people to act like my friends and not be weird or try to make choices for me or argue stupid points like I am an idiot even though I am telling you yes I checked that and it wasn't there, yet you continue to question me like I am lying.  I think I know if I looked for something or not.

Sorry for the rant but today has been very stressful and I just do not want to deal with this stuff any more.

So Yeah

Uh so usually I would come on here with a real purpose and some advice.  Today I am just here to chat.  I am exhausted.  Like in every area of my life I am just tired.  Physically, mentally, emotionally, I am for real tired.  Like keeping my eyes open is a real chore.  Everything is very draining.

Normally most people would say well then chill, relax, take some time to yourself.   That in perspective sounds great but what if you are the only adult in the home and everything around you is like massively needing attention?  At what point do you just say screw it and take the needed rest.  I mean the laundry needs to be done, the house needs cleaning and repairs.  My car doesn't work so I am using my parents and now it is not working so now I am borrowing a friends car.  This is the real struggle that I am going through.

My daughter has many medical issues and that means she needs extra attention.  She needs constant attention through out each day.  It is something that I do because I love my child, she is my world.  The problem becomes, if I am spending all my time taking care of her then who is taking care of me.  I don't mean in the sense of please come pay my bills and do all my house work, which I mean really at some point we have all wished would magically happen but we live in reality,   What I am talking about it ok so today I am running behind so lets do a ponytail and no make up and grab McDonald's for breakfast and the gym can wait until tomorrow.

Next thing you know the only time you wear anything "nice" is when you go to work.  Sweat pants are your best friend and  doing your hair means you brushed it out after the shower.  Makeup?!? What is make up?  Going out means I made it to the store and got the food my daughter needs for school and stuff.

I am not here for a pitty party that is not what this is.  It is just an out loud moment of trying to figure out at what point a person gets so far behind that everything else in the world comes before them self. Why is it, especially women in general, seem to forget that thy are people to and they need the same care and attention that everyone else gets.  Like pure normal stuff that humans do everyday.

Ok so that is that.  A little food for thought today.  I just seem to not really have it together today.  I do have a home and friends and just like everything else I will get through this.  You will too. So today go put on your fancy jeans and straighten your hair.  Then turn on your favorite show and relax.  It sounds crazy but why not one day is ok.

Just Because

So this weekend has been very relaxing.  My daughter and I decided to visit my parents for the holiday weekend.  My mom's birthday is Monday and it is not often we get to just come up here for the weekend.  So we decided to use our free time this time to see family.  My parents moved two hours away so it can be challenging to see them some times.  We all have different schedules and then this time of year with the weather it makes it more challenging.

It is crazy how fast time goes and then you realize it has been more than a month since you have visited some one.  I realized it has been over a month since I last saw one of my friends and I actually drive by their house every week for other stuff.  It is crazy how time goes by so fast and we are so worried about getting things done all the time, we don't actually have time to enjoy life.

It seems more as the time goes by I get more used to not seeing people.  It is sad that we put more value on what we are getting done than the people in our lives.  It seems that being with the people we care about the most should be our bigger priority.  We get so caught up in getting a pay check or what we have to do around the house that we push the rest to the side.  I mean really, if you don't do the dishes today what is the harm they will still be there tomorrow and most people now have a dishwasher so it isn't like it is an all day chore like before.

It amazes that with ll this stuff we have to make our lives easier, we have actually complicated it more.  We are jam packing more things to do each day.  We make it almost impossible to just sit and enjoy life as it is.  Just spend time with our family.  Enjoy our time with the people we care about the most.  When you think about it when those people are gone are the dishes going to be that important?  The day of their funeral are you going to not go because there are dishes to do, or are you just going say heck with the dishes I am going.  So why wait until their life is over to see them.  Why not have today be the day that the dishes can wait and you go spend time with important people now.

Better than the 52 Week Challenge.

Okay so a lot of people have been talking about the 52 week challenge.  It is meant to help you save over $1000.00 by the end of the year.  The goal is whatever week you are on that is how many dollars you put in savings.  So week 5 would be $5.  In theory this is a good idea but what about week 40?  Can you be sure you can put $40 in savings and not touch it?  Do you have that much money to put away at one time?

I know that for me personally I will never just have $50 to put in at once.  I want to save money but I need a way that works in my budget.  So what should you do?  Dollar bills and change.  All week long set aside any $1 bills and change.  For my bills I just use an old #simplyorange juice bottle or put them in a separate  part of my wallet.  Then when you know you are going to the bank you take it with you and put it in your savings.  This is far less demanding than having to have a certain amount each week.  You barely notice that you are saving.

It is also less stressful.  This way you do not have a certain amount to save.  You save what you actually have.  You don't have to worry about catch up weeks if you miss one.  I once saved over $100 in one month just by doing this.  I was able to use it to pay a bill that I was running short on later.

I absolutely recommend this method.  If you can't do the $1 bills right away start with your change.  It really does add up.  You would be surprised at how much you can really save by just putting spare change aside.  My advice is to just try it for a couple months and see how it goes.  Do not keep it at home too long though.  You want to put it in some type of saving so it can earn some interest.  Even if it is not a ton earning some free money is always nice.  Then as the interest comes in you earn interest on that interest.

So give it a try.  What is the worst that will happen?  You will save money and have some extra in case something happens. Oh the horror of having extra cash.  Just kidding but really give it a try I bet you will be happy you did.

Happy New Year!

So it is 2015.  Hopefully you have learned a few tips to give you a great year.  I am really excited about this year.  I feel like I am going to get somewhere.  I feel like that My debt is going to be gone this year other than student loans.  Those are going to be the last things I tackle.  I will be using the many I get from saving so much to make the payment.  It will be refreshing to know that is the end of my debt.

I hope that you guys will have a great year and start to get ahead on your debt.  It is really a great feeling to get to keep some of that money you work so hard to make.  It is tiring to go to work every day and have nothing to show for it.  I will be so excited when I start getting paid and the money is actually mine to do as I wish not figure out who I can pay this week and who will have to wait until the next payday.  I get 3 pay checks this month and taxes are right around the corner.

The best thing about taxes is you can pay off something.  I don't care if it is the smallest bill you have, pay it off.  That will free up not only your money but it will help free you from stress.  Then you can concentrate on other bills.  I already know what I am doing with my taxes.  I have been planning it for months.  I know what I want to accomplish when I get my return.  I know what I need to do to get ahead.

You should sit down and make a list.  It doesn't matter if you don't know how much you are going to get.  You know what you need to pay off.  So put it in writing from most important to what you would like to pay off but can wait a minute.  The goal is to be ready so when that money gets there.  You will have a set plan.  Then you follow it.  That is all there is too it.  Now if between now and then something major happens you can adjust the list but the main thing is to be ready and have a plan.  The problem is that most people get so excited about getting them they start thinking about all the stuff they can buy.  They make these purchases but never take care of the old debt so then they have all this new stuff but still no money.  Not a good plan.  You just start regretting what you did and then you really can't enjoy the new stuff.

So I hope you will join me this year in making this year our best debt free year ever.  I hope that you will find your way to becoming debt free.  What ever works for you I hope you will use it and get to a comfortable relationship with your money.