Why can't I Just Be Not Ok

     So I made a post on Facebook today.  It was about how I feel in my life. I am about to be honest.  I have never felt like I fit in anywhere.  I have never been a fan of myself.  I struggle with mood issues because of these feelings.  I have struggled with getting through the day because I do not even know why I am trying.  I wrote how I have always been the odd one and that it was just hard when you do not feel like you belong anywhere. Now back to the story.

    I made the post about how I am the odd person in all situations and that I just do not feel like I have a place.  That things were difficult and I am just at odds today about this feeling that I had since I can remember.  I ended up getting a call about the post.  They decided to call because they felt offended by my post because they decided to take it personally.  Suddenly a post I made about me and how I don't belong made them unhappy because they could not understand where I was coming from.

                                

     Why can't I just be not  ok.  Why does what I say about my feelings suddenly become about their things.  Why was it that when I feel really bad about something that has gone on in my life for a long time, a person decides this is the best time to tell me that I am making them feel bad and it is offending them that I would say this.  Like yes I control my emotions based on how it might make people feel.  Oh wait!

                                

    All my life I have thought about how what I say or do will trigger people. I always worry that I will get a call about what I say. I keep a lot to myself because I do not want to explain to people why it has nothing to do with them and that they should not be upset because my mental health issues are not their problem.  I mean how am I supposed to process all my feelings if I can never talk about them because other will be offended and it will ruin their whole life and how they view it.

    Sorry about the big feelings today but I was already having a big feelings day and then this just made it worse.

Just A Little Chat

Just wanted to come in and say hi, and I hope you are doing well today.  As we continue to stay in lockdown to kick this virus, I feel it is important that we have a place to chat.  I want to be encouraging in this time.  We are going to make it.

We have been through situations before and as whole world we have made it.  Yes there are people dying I know that, and I am not trying to lesson the tragedy in any way.  I just want us to remember that we have been through rough times as a unit and we will do it again.

The world is one place and while countries may be divided on many things, the one thing we can agree on is we have come through tough times together over and over and we can do it again.  I do not care where you are from, I want to be encouraging to you.

If you need someone to talk to, please reach out.  Comment on this post, on Facebook reach out on my page Your Happiness Ahead, send a message on messenger or post a comment.  Please do not sti alone and be sad.  I will talk it out with you.

We are all in this together.  I do not want anyone to be sitting at home depressed feeling like no one is there.  You are important and I am here.  We will beat lockdown together.

Your New Bundle

Hey guys, I hope today is going well for you.  I was thinking and realized that some of you out there are getting ready to have a baby.  It must be so scary to be thinking about bringing a new life into this crazy time.  I want to assure you it is going to be ok.

The world has faced many crazy times before, we have had to deal with extreme uncertainty many times.  We have faced severe diseases before and while scary, we have made it.  This is not the first global crisis nor will it be our last and that is just a fact.  What we do know is that we have made it each time one has popped up, this will be no exception.

With that said embrace this time.  Enjoy the journey, before you know it that baby will be here and you will be so full of love.  Enjoy every day, you will soon be watching them grow and turn into and amazing little person.

I know you are trying to get items around to be prepared and it can be a little difficult right now so here is a link to a discount on some items you might need or just want.  Enjoy https://amzn.to/2VzFeKq  lets beat this lockdown together, just as long as it is 6 feet apart

We Are All Struggling

I know there are many opinions out there about what is happening.  The truth is we are all being affected by this.  It isn't just a few people it is the whole world.  Rich and poor it doesn't matter it is hitting us all so we need to act accordingly.

I have had to stay off of Facebook other than my business pages because I couldn't take the drama anymore.  I started becoming a very angry person. Over the years I have learned that some times it is better to just not say what I think.  For two days I was not able to contain my mouth.  I was constantly snapping and feeling the need to react to what people were saying.  It was eat5ing me up inside.

The negativity was eating at me.  I now have physical pain from just how angry I was getting.  People were basically bashing people for things out of their control, no empathy could be found and people that are not even in this area were commenting on what was and was not true even though I was part of it and knew what I had seen, they still called me a liar and said I had not idea what I was talking about.  I snapped for sure.

That is not who I want to be.  I want to have peace and positive things in my life.  I do not want the negativity to creep back into my life.  I have been slowly working to make my life and future more positive.

My point here is we are all going through stuff right now but we can choose how we feel and how we behave.  We can not control how others behave but we can control how we react.  If the situation is not taking you in the direction you are seeking then change the situation.  Do not engage in things that do not bring you joy.

Stay happy and healthy and we can do this lockdown together

Graduation Time

So it happened.  My daughter graduated high school on Saturday.  It seems like not so long ago she was starting her first day of Kindergarten.  I cried that day.  I knew she was growing up and it was scary.  I cried on graduation day because she is a grown up, and it is scary.

It is bitter sweet really.  I knew it would come but I was still not prepared for it.  She really does deserve it though.  She worked very hard.  She fought each day to do her hardest.  She has Seizures, ADHD and some other things that really made it a challenge to remember all that she had learned.

Despite  these things she studied and worked hard to get the best grade she could each and everyday.  She is so smart too.  The seizures have robbed her of some memory but none the less she made good grades.  She worked hard and even won a scholarship for college.  She will be going in the fall.

She wants to be a teacher.  She wants to teach kindergarten or preschool.   She says she wants to make a difference by giving children the same start she got.  She loves school and really wants children to want to be there.  We joke about how she finished school, to go to school, so she can work at school.

Even though it has been a tough road she never gave up.  I could not be prouder of her.  I know she will do great things.  I have complete faith that she will make a change in the world.

                                                   

Another Year Ending

So here we are , another year over.  I am having mixed feeling really.  I am truly over this year.  It honestly was one of the crappiest years.  I lost my Mom, My daughter's health got worse and so did mine, my mental health has been shaken, and I got terminated from my job.

See why I am very unimpressed with this year?  The hard part is it means the last year my Princess is a child.  My little girl will turn 18 and then start her Senior year of high school.   That makes me sad and also ramps up my anxiety because that means new problems and I am totally unprepared to be the Mom of an adult who I still have to make all the decisions for because her health prevents her from being capable of doing it.  She is smart, and works hard.  She aspires to become a school teacher.  The problem is her seizures make life hard.  The truth is my adult child will still have days where she will be more like a 5 year old than an 18 year old. 

Totally not her fault and I accept that as her Mom this is absolutely my responsibility.  I have just spent 17.5 years making the decisions because she is a child.  What happens when I try to help and she says no because she really doesn't know what is happening right then or if I am unable to become her guardian so they will only talk to her and she gets too frustrated to make the right decisions?  Being a person with severe anxiety dealing with this has been an extremely difficult task.  I am soooo not ready.

As with the years past it does not matter how prepared or unprepared we are it will come.  It will bring with it whatever it wants and life will continue.  I think of the worst and pray for the best.  There will be no stopping it and all we can do is try to make each day count the best we can.

So as you close out these final days, just enjoy them because life is going to happen.  It will be messy sometimes and other times it will be great.  So my wish for all of you is that, May you have more great days than messy ones.

Thank you for visiting, until next time.

Quality-V-Quantity During the Holidays.

Hey there!!! With Christmas just round the corner I wanted to share something.  Do not forget what the holidays are all about.  Sue it is nice to get a gift from people, but the important part is the time spent.

Especially with kids.  Most of the time people can not remember what they got for Christmas when they were little but what they do remember is the people.  They remember that they always spent time with their loved ones.  That family was there.

Don't have a big family or really any family?  Again it is about quality.  Spend time with your favorite people.  Make the time count with the people that matter the most to you.  That is the big picture here.  For me and my daughter it is time with my parents.  Unfortunately since my Mom passed this year it is a little harder but that means the time with my Dad is even that much more special.

No matter who is there or what you do I sincerely hope you have a blessed and happy Holiday season.

Thanks for visiting talk to you soon.

How the Year began

So in previous posts I said I would explain a lot of other things, so here is the start of that.  This post will be hard so I will tell you how this year started and then I will highlight other events in another post so I can get through this one without losing it completely.

This year started out with my Dad letting me know my Mom had not been feeling well so she decided to go to the hospital.  That was nothing new as my Mom had been in the hospital many times before because she had pneumonia a lot and some times it got bad and she had COPD so she needed help sometime.  I asked him did I need to come and was assured that it was just a normal trip and things would be ok.  This went on for a few weeks and my Dad got the same answer from Dr.s and relayed it to me saying there was nothing serious happening the infections was just pretty bad and she had developed a UTI so it would just be a little longer .

At this point you are probably thinking why would I not have gone and visited my mom in the hospital after he being there for a few weeks.  Well as you may remember my daughter has seizures.  Things have been out of control and the hospital was over an hour drive and I also had to work to support me and my daughter.  I felt bad but my Dad reassured me that my Mom was ok and a couple times I even chatted with her on the phone so that made me feel a little more comfortable in the situation.


One day I get a call from my Dad and he is crying so I panic.  Finally he tells me he got a call and we have to make a decision. I am freaking out because who wants to do that.  So I go get my cousin from work down the road I smoke a million cigarettes (I know not the best idea) while we get my aunt and daughter.  My cousin goes back to work while me, my daughter , and aunt drive two hours to my Dad who is at his house in shock.  More family comes as we talk about what to do.  We decide that me and my Dad and daughter will go in the morning to talk to the Dr and get more information.

That was a complete disaster.  We get told different stories and that we should not have received that call.  Things were not good but they didn't think we were to that point yet.  My Mom was responding to us being there and even gave my Dad a kiss.  We were Pissed to say the least that they put us through that.  Family from out of state was on their way because we thought my Mom was about to die.  We visited with her and everyone and after a few days were assured that they were not convinced she was going to die soon.  We all go home and for two weeks my Dad tells us how things are getting better she is still responding to him and the Dr's are hopeful.  Things feel good.

Then it is February and my Mom's birthday is here and we are excited because she made it another year and things seemed good.  My Dad went to visit her and spent most of the day with her and said she was tired but doing good for her situation.  It was getting late so he told her that he was going back to the hotel room and would be back in the morning.  I had talked to him and her and we planned for us to come visit later because we wanted him to have the weekend with her.  It was about 11:00 pm on February 16, 2017 and I had just crawled into bed.  My phone lit up and it was my Dad, as I answered I grabbed my daughter and started getting out of bed and putting my shoes on.  What happened next has shattered our whole world.

They had called my Dad and said she didn't have much time.  Before I even hung up we were almost in the car and time was not real.  I had to get gas and bought more smoke (again I know, bad idea).  My daughter got a hold of people as I drove for what seemed like forever and got pulled over twice for a broken taillight.  We arrived and the strongest woman I know, the woman who taught me to be strong and be a mom was so weak.  She barely responded but tried to hang on.  We prayed, we brought in a priest for final rights, we told her to hold on, we cried.

On February 17, 2017 at 2:30 AM we had to make the hardest decision we have ever made.  After 69 years on Earth, 38 years of marriage, 38 years of being my Mom, I was the reason they got married :),being my daughters Grandma for 16 years, we had to say goodbye.  It was the worst day of my life.  Her body had shut down, while her brain was working.  It was so unreal.  This year has been so hard.  My Mom was the person I would call when I needed advice.  She would tell me straight, she would never tell me what I wanted to hear, but rather what I needed to hear, good or bad.  It was the end of the world that we knew and the next week following her death was beyond stressful.

This has been long but I promised. So that is how my year started and it is still not getting much better but that is for another post.  I need to get myself back together.  Thank you for reading.  Unitl next time.

Time Flies

So yesterday we had my daughter's 17th birthday party.  It is bittersweet to be honest.  On one hand I am excited to see what amazing things she does in the future, but on the other it is hard to admit that my little baby is 1 year away from being an adult.

When she was born 18 seemed so far away.  Even as the years passed it still seemed like there was plenty of time left for her to be a child.  To be honest even when she turned 16 it still didn't seem that close.  It felt like I still had all the time in the world.  Then this year hit and things took a crazy turn right from the start which I will get to in a later post but then it hit me.  My baby will be in her last year of childhood.

Next year my little princess will legally be an adult.  She will be left to be responsible for her own lief choices.  It is overwhelming. Did I do enough to prepare her for adulthood?  Will she be ready to face the world without me if needed?  It is really hard to accept this for me.

I plan to make this year great and just enjoy it.  I want her to enjoy the last year of childhood as stress free as possible.  I am determined to make sure I also do my best to make sure she feels ready to face her new challenges as they come.  I think as a parent you are never really ready for anything that happens the first time.  In the case of them growing up I feel like no matter how many kids you have it is always emotional when a child grows up.

So with that I congratulate all the parents out there on keeping it together while raising your kids.  To giving them your all and loving them each and everyday.  You Mom and Dad are rock stars.

Thank you for visiting.  Until next time.

VACATION!!!!

So after not having any real time off to just chill with family or friends we are up north with my Dad. I will talk about this in a later post but in February my Mom passed and spending time with my Dad has become even more important to me.  Life is so precious.

My Daughter also turns 17 on Sunday and I have no idea where the times has gone.  So many things to plan and prepare for over the next year.  As we enjoy our vacation I am reminded of the importance of taking time for yourself.  I know easier said than done.  I rarely take time for myself, heck I don't even get alone time in the bathroom.  Either an animal is pushing its way in ahead of me or my Daughter finds this a good time to talk to me.

We were a little short on funds again this year and my Daughter's health has been all over the place so we did travel south as planned, but being here with my Dad and having time to just be in the moment is soooo worth just not being at home for a week.  I have had a crazy year and so much to do before winter gets here so it is nice to just take a break from dealing with that stuff, all of which I will get to as  I get back into the swing of my blogging.

Well not much else for today.  I just wanted to stick to my word of posting more often.  I will be posting more detailed things later that get you all caught up on what has kept me away.  Until next time.

I'm BACK!!!!!!!!

Hey guys!! I know it has been a long time since I have written.  SOOOO much has happened it is crazy.  I may not post every day to start but I want to get back to doing my blog and reaching out to people.  I have a new Facebook page and lots of thing to share bad and good.  Stay tuned because I am ready for my come back and to start sharing my successes again.  Talk soon.

Hello

Hey out there.  Sorry it has been awhile but so much has gone on lately.  It is one thing after another around here.  Just when I get one thing done something else seems to pop up.  I know life can be crazy but it is just a hot mess right now.

I have my kidney stone but it is just sitting there and I have had two double ear infections and seriously need looked at and I no longer work.  You may be thinking well go to the Dr. right?  Well that is the next bomb, I was told I make to much money money to get medicaid any longer.  Then I was told I would have to buy y own insurance.

Ok so what money am I supposed to use to do that?  I mean it is not like you get extra money when you get unemployment.  You get less so how is it that when I had a job I was eligible but now I have temporary income and I make to much?  So I am now trying to find insurance which I have always gotten from my employer so I have no idea what I am doing.

In an attempt to get more money I decided to cash out part of my 401K and then put some in my in my IRA to build it up some.  It seemed like a good idea.  I could bump up my checking account and retirement at the same time.  Well something happened and they sent the money to my employer instead but I no longer have an account with them so now I have no idea where my money is.

These are just a few of the things that have been going on.  It has been interesting to say the least.  Hopefully your days are going a little better than mine. :) Next time I hope it will be sooner and I will have something more exciting to talk about.

Getting to Savings

So I hope you are doing well with your savings and paying down your debt.  Even after not having a regular 9-5 job I am still making sure to work on my bills and putting a little away.  It is not as much as I used to do to the circumstances but I have not given up.

I have stayed dedicated to using my surveys and other income earning opportunities.  I just finished buying more medical stuff for my daughter using the points I had and I am on my way to getting her the birthday gifts for her sweet 16.  I am so excited to realize I have more in the bank now than when I worked a regular job every day.  I knew as a kid I was meant for something different but as I have grown and had a child I felt like I needed to fit into the mainstream world.  After the recent events it just confirmed that I am not meant for a typical job.

As I am looking for my great idea, I continue to use the extra income so it does not get eaten up in a month.  Been there done that and it is not fun. So I have given you a few of my favorites so far and now her come a couple more.  These take a little longer to add up but it does add up and you can use them simultaneously so between the 2 of them you can cash out $60.  It may not seem like a lot but when added to the other earnings it can make a difference.   I just used one to buy my daughters expensive vitamins.

You open emails, watch videos, and can take surveys.  The first one is Inbox Dollars (http://www.inboxdollars.com/?r=ref17133614&s=7).  The next one is Send Earnings (http://www.sendearnings.com/?r=ref4476777&s=7).  Each email is $.02, videos depend on the video, and surveys vary as well.  It will not make you rich but again it adds up.  Each cash out is $30 so again the two together mean an extra $60.  Who couldn't use an extra $60.

Ok time to go make some money.  No excuses.  My daughter was in the ER and I knew it would be awhile so I took my laptop and while she watched TV or was getting a test done and the Dr's were not there, I worked on making money.  Remember Instagc that I told you about in the previous post's?  Yeah I have made over $100 this year just using that.  It doesn't include the other sites at all.

We are on this journey together and we will make it.  Share your stories, ask questions we are here for eachother.

Sorry I went Missing

I just wanted to say sorry for not posting in so long.  I need to get back to our debt reduction series.  I hope you are doing well and have been able to save some money and pay down some bills.  I have so much to go over that has happened lately.

To start I am working at home. With my daughter's health and her needing me more I have taken the step of being home more often now.  It has been a little challenging getting started but by the grace of God I know I am going to figure this out.  It will get easier as I get more used to the idea.

I am not losing weight like I had hoped and I have been in a lot of pain so I am back to the Dr. next week.  I know I need to get this figured out but I a a little worried about what they are going to say is wrong.  Hopefully it is not something that is going to be drastic to fix.

Well those are the big changes as of right now.  I am still saving and paying bills although my income is not as big right now but I know it will pick up in the future.  I just have to get the hang of what I am doing but a lot of my friends are working from home now so I know I can do it if they can.  I will be back soon.

We are on this journey together and I happy you are here.

The Empty

Most days are ok.  Some days are really good.  Some days honestly suck a whole lot.  I know this is life and everyone good and bad days.  The reality is how every one deals with each.  I do not always have a perky disposition.  I some times feel like the universe is laughing at me.  Most days I can handle the days I have.  Usually it is just a day.  Then there are days like today.

I don't know what it is or really how to explain it to be honest.  There are just days where no matter what I do or do not do I feel like I am wasting the day.  Like I am just burning time until something happens.  I am not sure what it means.  I know I need to get out more and be around other people but sometimes even then I have this feeling so I am not even sure what it is.

I just call it the empty.  It is when my mind and soul has just used up everything I have I guess.  The next day it is gone and I go about my day and deal with what come but on the days the empty is here it is like the world around me has nothing else to offer me.  I stare at the internet and there is nothing I want to look up or know anymore.  I mean really nothing on the internet?  But that is the empty, it is void of anything useful at the time.

Then tomorrow will come and I have stuff to do and the empty will be full and I will not have time to worry about anything else because I will have too much to worry about.

I know this was off topic of what we have been talking about but it was on my mind so I needed to vent it.

Make a Commitment To Pay

In my last post I discussed the first step to getting out of debt and saving money.  Hopefully you have at least started putting together your debt down payment book.  I hope at this point you have a clear picture of what you are working with.

Now that you have seen the number it is time to start tackling what you can pay.  I know that having no extra money makes this part tough but you CAN do it.  I know because I am doing it right now.  You have to decide right now what you are going to commit to.  I do not care if it is $1, $5 or $50.  Right now you are making a decision about how much extra you are going to pay to a bill each week.  Yes I said each week.  It can be done and in future posts I will tell you how you can make extra money easily to put toward this.

Right now I just want you to make the commitment.  I personally chose $20.  It is a high number but it is what I chose.  Each week I pay $20 to the bill that needs to be worked on tight then.  This is not extra to every bill you are just committing to pay this amount to one bill so that makes it more achievable.

That is it for today.  I want you to look at what you can do.  Again if it is only $1.00 then that is where you start.  You may have to even buy one less pop during the week but you got this.  I make less than $18000 a year and I have picked $20 so I know you have $1 some where.

I happy to be on this journey with you and sharing what I have learned.  I know we can do this together.  You got this!

Feeling Frustrated

So I am working on a lot of new things this year and honestly it is getting overwhelming.  I have tried being positive more each day, but the reality is that some days are hard.  Nothing seems to be going right and no matter how hard you try you just can not turn things around.  I just had so many plans for this year and it isn't going as easy or as well as I planned.

As a matter of fact everything seems to be heading the opposite way of how I thought it would go.  The more I try the farther backwards I seem to go.  I have been home and separated for four years.  It is time for things to start turning around.  I was headed on a good path and then it is like something snapped and now I am spiraling backwards again.

It is rough to really want to get out of your situation but you seem to just keep repeating the same day over and over.  Some times I feel like I am in the living in the movie Ground Hog Day.  I wake up and do the same thing every day.  If I had a stalker it wouldn't be hard for them to track me down since my schedule is always the same.

Most people fear change.  They want to stay in their comfort zone and never have to do anything different but I am ready for change.  I want a lot of change.  I would be happy with just about everything changing.  I want things to improve.  I have so much that is just making me feel down that if even one thing would start turning around then it would give hope to keep pushing.

I really intend to keep working to be positive and be happy with what I do have because I know things can be a lot worse.  I just do not want things to get that bad because I can not turn things around or think in a more positive manner.  

Serious Thinking

I have so much going through my head lately.  I want a change so I have a lot of things to accomplish ahead.  I could lose my job any day so that really puts a spin on the situation,  I need a job that lets me just work and has structure.  If I could afford to work for myself I totally would because it would make things so much better around here.  Sales jobs are just not my thing.  If some one doesn't want to buy something I am not one to really push the issue.

I want so much more for my daughters future so I have a lot of work to so there as well.  She only has 2 years until college.  It may seem like I have time but if you are a parent you know how fast time flies.  I want to give her the sweet 16 she is dreaming of and also give her the choice of whatever college she wants.

I want a better future for myself as well not just sitting on my couch because I am poor or do not feel good half the time.  I want to be able to enjoy life a little.  I think I need to make a check list of things I want to do do so that I can keep up on my goals, then as I check them off it will also help me have a sense of accomplishment.  I think I just want my life to mean something one day.  I am not saying I need to be mega famous but when my daughter talks about me to her grand kids I want it to be positive things.

I know we all feel this way at some point but I want to do something about that feeling.  I want to actually make that feeling go away and turn it into something positive.  I want to look back on my life and be completely at peace when it is time for me to leave this world.

Slightly Rough Day

So as some of you know my daughter suffers from neurological issues.  Most days are ok with a little confusion over small things.  She does her best to go to school as much as possible and tries to be positive as much as she can.  She is always worried about her friends and would do anything to help anyone.  She is my special princess.

Today was not a usual day.  She missed almost the whole school day and finals are in two weeks so that is tough.  She basically had short term memory loss for the whole day.  It was 9 pm and she still thought it was dinner time.  It is a little scary right now but I am still working to stay positive.  I know God is with us during this time,  I just wish that made me feel better about going to sleep.  Tomorrow could be a completely normal day or this could be the beginning of a tough week,

I think it would be easier to handle if I had more answers.  They can't tell me why she has seizures and migraines all the time.  They can't tell me if she will grow out of it or if we even have the right meds yet.  That is the hardest part for me.  I want to know what is going on and how I can help but I don't and I can't.

I want to help my princess but there is nothing I can do to make it better.  I just have to sit back and watch as she suffers and I can't do anything for her.  She depends on me to keep her safe and I can't against this particular situation.

A Positive Spin

So since the beginning of the year I have made an intentional effort to be more positive.  It has been going well and it is making things seem a little easier.  I have even been making a joke about things that are going bad and not letting them get to me as much.  I know it is only 5 days into the new year but I can see the affects already.  I notice my days are a lot easier and it is not as rough to go to work.  Things are easier to deal with even when it is a rough topic.

I am determined to keep this going all year.  No matter what happens I want to keep a positive attitude.  I am seeking God more in my life and actively seeking the good things that are going on.  I am not letting people get to me with negative thoughts or comments.  It is all in how you look at the world.  I want to see it as a good place.  I want my daughter to go into the world and create a positive space and I can't expect her to see the positive if I don't myself

We owe it to ourselves to have the best life we can,  There is no way to achieve that if we are constantly going around looking at the negative around us.  If we create peace and Joy around us then it will spread, It will infect others and help make the world a better place around us.

Stay true to yourself.  Find your own beauty and dance to your own music.