Your New Bundle

Hey guys, I hope today is going well for you.  I was thinking and realized that some of you out there are getting ready to have a baby.  It must be so scary to be thinking about bringing a new life into this crazy time.  I want to assure you it is going to be ok.

The world has faced many crazy times before, we have had to deal with extreme uncertainty many times.  We have faced severe diseases before and while scary, we have made it.  This is not the first global crisis nor will it be our last and that is just a fact.  What we do know is that we have made it each time one has popped up, this will be no exception.

With that said embrace this time.  Enjoy the journey, before you know it that baby will be here and you will be so full of love.  Enjoy every day, you will soon be watching them grow and turn into and amazing little person.

I know you are trying to get items around to be prepared and it can be a little difficult right now so here is a link to a discount on some items you might need or just want.  Enjoy https://amzn.to/2VzFeKq  lets beat this lockdown together, just as long as it is 6 feet apart

Graduation Time

So it happened.  My daughter graduated high school on Saturday.  It seems like not so long ago she was starting her first day of Kindergarten.  I cried that day.  I knew she was growing up and it was scary.  I cried on graduation day because she is a grown up, and it is scary.

It is bitter sweet really.  I knew it would come but I was still not prepared for it.  She really does deserve it though.  She worked very hard.  She fought each day to do her hardest.  She has Seizures, ADHD and some other things that really made it a challenge to remember all that she had learned.

Despite  these things she studied and worked hard to get the best grade she could each and everyday.  She is so smart too.  The seizures have robbed her of some memory but none the less she made good grades.  She worked hard and even won a scholarship for college.  She will be going in the fall.

She wants to be a teacher.  She wants to teach kindergarten or preschool.   She says she wants to make a difference by giving children the same start she got.  She loves school and really wants children to want to be there.  We joke about how she finished school, to go to school, so she can work at school.

Even though it has been a tough road she never gave up.  I could not be prouder of her.  I know she will do great things.  I have complete faith that she will make a change in the world.

                                                   

Another Year Ending

So here we are , another year over.  I am having mixed feeling really.  I am truly over this year.  It honestly was one of the crappiest years.  I lost my Mom, My daughter's health got worse and so did mine, my mental health has been shaken, and I got terminated from my job.

See why I am very unimpressed with this year?  The hard part is it means the last year my Princess is a child.  My little girl will turn 18 and then start her Senior year of high school.   That makes me sad and also ramps up my anxiety because that means new problems and I am totally unprepared to be the Mom of an adult who I still have to make all the decisions for because her health prevents her from being capable of doing it.  She is smart, and works hard.  She aspires to become a school teacher.  The problem is her seizures make life hard.  The truth is my adult child will still have days where she will be more like a 5 year old than an 18 year old. 

Totally not her fault and I accept that as her Mom this is absolutely my responsibility.  I have just spent 17.5 years making the decisions because she is a child.  What happens when I try to help and she says no because she really doesn't know what is happening right then or if I am unable to become her guardian so they will only talk to her and she gets too frustrated to make the right decisions?  Being a person with severe anxiety dealing with this has been an extremely difficult task.  I am soooo not ready.

As with the years past it does not matter how prepared or unprepared we are it will come.  It will bring with it whatever it wants and life will continue.  I think of the worst and pray for the best.  There will be no stopping it and all we can do is try to make each day count the best we can.

So as you close out these final days, just enjoy them because life is going to happen.  It will be messy sometimes and other times it will be great.  So my wish for all of you is that, May you have more great days than messy ones.

Thank you for visiting, until next time.

Time Flies

So yesterday we had my daughter's 17th birthday party.  It is bittersweet to be honest.  On one hand I am excited to see what amazing things she does in the future, but on the other it is hard to admit that my little baby is 1 year away from being an adult.

When she was born 18 seemed so far away.  Even as the years passed it still seemed like there was plenty of time left for her to be a child.  To be honest even when she turned 16 it still didn't seem that close.  It felt like I still had all the time in the world.  Then this year hit and things took a crazy turn right from the start which I will get to in a later post but then it hit me.  My baby will be in her last year of childhood.

Next year my little princess will legally be an adult.  She will be left to be responsible for her own lief choices.  It is overwhelming. Did I do enough to prepare her for adulthood?  Will she be ready to face the world without me if needed?  It is really hard to accept this for me.

I plan to make this year great and just enjoy it.  I want her to enjoy the last year of childhood as stress free as possible.  I am determined to make sure I also do my best to make sure she feels ready to face her new challenges as they come.  I think as a parent you are never really ready for anything that happens the first time.  In the case of them growing up I feel like no matter how many kids you have it is always emotional when a child grows up.

So with that I congratulate all the parents out there on keeping it together while raising your kids.  To giving them your all and loving them each and everyday.  You Mom and Dad are rock stars.

Thank you for visiting.  Until next time.

Medical ID Bracelet

Before we get started, Yes I did sign up to get an incentive if someone buys one.  It was my choice they did not ask me.  I am working on a few projects that I will be telling you about in future posts so I am trying to earn money.  Why should we listen or buy this item then, is what you might be asking right now.

Well as many of you know my daughter has seizure disorder.  This is a game changer for families who are constantly dealing with medical personnel.  It puts medical information right there and takes away the stress of possibly forgetting something in an emergency situation.  I am in the process of purchasing mine as well.  This way if my daughter ends up at the hospital before I can get there they already have medical information at hand.  That is a huge relief as a parent to know my child will get the correct assistance when needed instead of them guessing until I get there.

She will be 18 next year and going to college the next so this is a God send really.  She can be a little more independent and I can have piece of mind knowing she will have the information she needs to be taken care of.  

I hope you will at least take a look at the product if you have a loved one with medical concerns.  You can buy if you want or not no pressure.  I just wanted to share with other people that could use some peace of mind.  To check it out click the following link http://lddy.no/odq

Thank you for visiting, until next time.

A Trip To The Zoo

Yesterday we decided to go to the Detroit Zoo.  It was a great day to go.  It was the perfect temperature so you were not hot or cold.  We got to see a lot of different animals that are not at our local zoo.  They did have the over head viewing tunnels so we got to see the penguins, sea lions, and polar bears swim overhead.  That was fun to see. The sea lions were playing and swimming upside to look at us.

It was a fun day getting out of the house which with all the stuff that has been going on we definitely needed to get out and have fun.  We have not been doing a whole lot of anything lately so for the most part it was really nice.  I am not an out in public type of person so that is a little hard for me.  Not that I am afraid but I get frustrated with rude people who think the world revolves around them so they just do what they want.  Like in the snake exhibit there was a lady that literally kept leaning on me to look over my shoulder because she felt the line was moving to slow.  There were a ton of children so I had to fight the urge to make a scene and say something though.

The other thing is I do not walk that much anymore.  So after 3 hours of walking around I was in great pain.  I could barely make it to the car.  Then after sitting in the car when I tried to get out and walk to the restaurant it was horrible.  Today I am still quite sore so I doubt that I will be getting a whole lot done.  My feet are so sore and my back is in massive pain.

Oh well I guess it is the price I pay to enjoy my friends and make sure my daughter has a great summer.  Plus I got some exercise to say the least so it was worth it I am guessing.  I hope you are enjoying your summer!

Slightly Rough Day

So as some of you know my daughter suffers from neurological issues.  Most days are ok with a little confusion over small things.  She does her best to go to school as much as possible and tries to be positive as much as she can.  She is always worried about her friends and would do anything to help anyone.  She is my special princess.

Today was not a usual day.  She missed almost the whole school day and finals are in two weeks so that is tough.  She basically had short term memory loss for the whole day.  It was 9 pm and she still thought it was dinner time.  It is a little scary right now but I am still working to stay positive.  I know God is with us during this time,  I just wish that made me feel better about going to sleep.  Tomorrow could be a completely normal day or this could be the beginning of a tough week,

I think it would be easier to handle if I had more answers.  They can't tell me why she has seizures and migraines all the time.  They can't tell me if she will grow out of it or if we even have the right meds yet.  That is the hardest part for me.  I want to know what is going on and how I can help but I don't and I can't.

I want to help my princess but there is nothing I can do to make it better.  I just have to sit back and watch as she suffers and I can't do anything for her.  She depends on me to keep her safe and I can't against this particular situation.

Getting Going

So I am trying to start the new year by getting my life and home in order.  The hard part is doing it with chronic pain and chronic fatigue.  The problem is you get motivated to get things done but have no energy to do it.  Your body and mind are exhausted but you attempt things any way and that only leads to more pain and exhaustion.

I really do try to keep going and get stuff done. I do not want my daughter to think I am lazy and that it is ok not to get stuff done but then I suffer later and can not do stuff that I want to do with her, further complicated by her seizures and chronic issues we are stuck in a cycle.  I want her to know that it is ok to live but showing her is a little harder than that.

This year I am claiming it is going to be a better year.  I am believing it.  I am going to attempt the gym more and go to church more often.  I want my daughter to know it is ok to be tired but you can not give up.  I am pushing through this year to show her there is more to life than the computer and couch.

I hope you are having a blessed day and enjoying the first day of 2016.

Holding On By a Thread

Lately it has been one mess after another it seems like.  This has been an extremely challenging year.  There was my daughter and all the sinecures she was having.  Her health was beginning   to decline and I was scared that she may not make it through the year.  It was an extremely hard point in life.

Then there was the baby.  It is still haunting me almost every day.  I always think about it and how things would be different if I was still pregnant.  I know things happen for a reason but it doesn't make the situation hurt any less. My uncle that past away in June would have had his birthday yesterday.  We decided to have a small family dinner in his honor.  My cousin had his new baby there and I couldn't even look at it or go int the same room.  It was horrible.

People who I thought were my friends have basically cut me off and no longer really even acknowledge me because they feel I don't have time for them and such.  I guess that isn't too bad considering they have not taken me and my daughter into consideration and feel like we should worry about them more even though my life has been a mess.

The topper is now I am on the verge of losing my job.  I do not make enough really as it is and now I might lose the only income I really have. I already owe like everyone a ton of money so losing my job is not really feasible. I have no control over it though at this point which makes it tough.  They will either keep me or they won't.

So This year has not been one of my favorites.  It has been one of the most trying, yet here I am still.  I have no idea why I am here or what my purpose is but I am here.  I will still take each day as it comes but what my reason is right now I do not know

Getting on With Your Life After Loss

So it has been more than a month since my loss.  I have good days and bad days.  Some things are a little more emotional than others.  My cousin had a baby the other day and day and my friend is about to have one any day now.  Don't get me wrong I am very happy for both of them.  I wish them nothing but the best.  It doesn't make it any less hurtful in my situation.

There are thing every where that are reminders.  Even reading the ads is hard when they are having the baby sales.  Seeing everyone out with there babies and knowing that won't happen for me is hard.  Sometimes I think about what it would have been like had I still been pregnant.  I know how much time was left and I think about how big I would be and what I would be feeling right now.

It is hard.  I remind myself of all the reasons that it is ok, like all the pain I was in and the fact that I have a child who already needs so much of my time.  Of course my age was a big thing.  The big one is God needed another angel for something.  Those things sometimes help me remember to not be so lost.  Then all it takes is one little thing like some one selling a car seat on line or a coupon for bottles and suddenly I am back to the fact that I don't need those because I am not pregnant.

It has only been a little over a month so it is still fresh.  In time I know I will be better.  I can't say it will ever go away but it will get better.  I will be able to see other people have new babies and not feel loss but rather joy and happiness.  One day the pain will be so much less but until then I will have to do my best to move forward.

Another Year Older

So my birthday was Sunday and now I am a year older.  I am in my late 30's and so much has happened in my life.  This last year has been a complete roller coaster.  Though I have figured out that each year I worry less about the number my birthday brings.

I am more happy with spending time with my family.  For the last 3 years I have used my birthday weekend to go with my daughter and my parents to Uncle John's Cider Mill.  I am in Michigan in case you didn't know and it is a very popular place during the fall.  They have a pumpkin patch and make their own cider and donuts.  When we get there we take the ride to the patch to get started.

We stroll through looking for the perfect pumpkins, then we load them in the car and head into the mill and get cider and donuts.  We pick out a table and eat and drink for a moment.  Before we go we hit the gift shop to see what new stuff they have that year.  It is a small trip but one I enjoy.  Why do I enjoy such a simple birthday?  Because it is with people I care so much about.

Sure I could have a huge party and invite a ton of people, but would it mean as much?  Would it create the great family memories that I now have.  Not at all.  My daughter will soon be grown herself and the childhood memories will be just that, memories.  She will have things of her own to do and ultimately have less time for these types of things.  I want to do things that make me happy.  Having my little quiet birthday does just that.  One year older and another year of joy.

Kids Growing UP

So the girl is in her freshman year of high school.  It has not started out so well but I know she has to grow up a little some time.  It is hard but I am trying my best.  This week she has her first homecoming dance.  Now she has been to other dances but nothing so important like this.  This is a big first step.

She originally even had a date to go but unfortunately he can't go now for what ever reason.  Honestly I am ok with that to tell the truth.  I was not ready for her to have a date too.  She seems to be ok and says she is going no matter what.  I am proud of her for stepping out of her comfort zone as well.  This is something that before she would not have been so willing to do.  All the other dances I had to be a chaperon so she would go.  This time she was the one who made the decision and knows I won't be there but she can call me if she needs me and I will be right there.

I think that is an important factor in her feeling confident in this new journey.  I have made sure she knows that no matter what she can count on me,  I always tell  her even if it is something that might make me mad she can always call me for help.  I tell her I might be mad but we can talk about it and I would rather her tell me the truth then lie and end up in danger.  She knows that even if she wants to date or drinks at a party she can talk to me and we will get through whatever together.  I want her to know that I am there.  Even if she makes a bad choice I would rather her come to me for help than get hurt.

Crazy Day

SO I was supposed to go for my check up today but I didn't because I think I have a cold and felt terrible.  At work I had one of my best work days so far.  Then I come home and my daughter starts acting crazy and having an attitude.

It was like a roller coaster that didn't stop.  Because she is mad at me she has decided to do her homework on the kitchen floor.  She is 15 mind you so this is just weird.  She does have learning issues that make things very difficult but still she is very crazy some times.   This is another reason I feel having only one child will be best for this house.  She is a lot of work when she has mood swings.

How about you?  How old are your children?  What do you do to deal with their mood swings or difficult behavior?

I hope one day I will figure out how to manage life with her so that she can feel more confident and feel like she can accomplish things.  My biggest fear is that she will cripple herself thinking she can not get far and live that way forever.

Moving Forwrd

 So I have been writing about my pregnancy lately.  It was crazy to find out in the first place and then to find out it is in jeopardy. I have had to sit and think about my options as it pertains to every one.  I have severe health issues and do I want to go all the rest of the months for nothing.  I can barely take care of my daughter that already has health issues and there are many months to go.

I have an appointment on Tuesday and I am going to discuss ending the pregnancy.  I know that this is a very controversial issue and many people will be offended by my decision.  I must say I never thought I would ever even think about doing it, but here I am faced with a million uncertainties and a child that is 15 and quite often still needs my help to shower.  I know that I may lose readers and people might even leave nasty comments.

I understand where those people are  coming from I really do.  I know what I am saying and I know what it means if I go through with it.  It is going to be very painful and emotional and I will have to live with the decision for the rest of my life.  Let me just say that it has not been easy to think about.  I have had to think about all the pros and cons for the last month now.  It is really hard to even think about.  The alternative is just as hard.  I may have to watch my child suffer because I can,t help her or know that I am going to go full term for nothing or have another child that needs full attention.

How do I say one child needs me more than the other.  How do I decide which one is more important than the other?  Do I leave one suffering while I help the other in distress?  What if they are both in distress at the same time?  There are so many factors to consider.  There is also my health to consider.  If I am too sick to do anything then who takes care of them?  If I go full term and my health gets so bad do I recover?  What about my daughter who is here how can I be 100% for her?

I understand people will be mad.  Though as I have pointed out it is not always about just ending things.  There are many reasons why I am leaning toward this decision.   It isn't always about finances or just using it for birth control.  Some women have real reasons they may have to make this choice.  I am sure people are going to have an opinion but at the end of the day it is about what is best for everyone.

Sad News

This will probably be a short post but wanted to share.  I was trying to share being pregnant and be honest about my experience.  Well the sad truth is it does not look good and I will probably not be able to continue.

I have not known for even a month so that lessons the blow a little but it is still hard to think about all the same.  As I am single and older I will not have another opportunity for this experience again.  It is hard to process that idea.  I do however have a beautiful 15 year old daughter and I will continue to  be the best mom to her that I know how and that will never change

Not Feeling The Love

My body is out to get me at this point.  Everything is hurting and a lot of problems are popping up.  Sadly some of them are untreatable while pregnant so if it is positive I have them then I am really not sure what is going to happen.   My body will shut down slowly as the baby drains every bit of energy I have left from fighting so hard.  This is very dangerous for me, not to mention my daughter here since she does have seizures.  The other option is to treat things so I am better but then I risk the baby.

I am so at odds here really. I mean I have my daughter and myself to think about but how do you say that one life is more important than the other.  It is a very confusing situation really.  Then they say oh but it could be nothing too.  Although let us run all these other tests because we really have no idea.

It is very scary to be honest.  I want us all to be healthy but I have no idea what is going on and I am very concerned with the situation.  I have no idea how to handle this really. I am not prepared to have to make any major choices.  This pregnancy has been crazy enough with out adding more stress.  I really am so at odds with this whole thing.

I am just going day by day.  Trying to stay positive about the outcome.  I am sure things will be ok .  It is just hard not knowing what is happening, all the while being in pain all the time.

And It Just Keeps Coming

I have decided to focus on real talk about this pregnancy.  People are always talking about how great it is to be pregnant.  Well some times it is not and I think we should be able to talk about those things too.

So as much trouble as I am already having with this whole pregnancy thing, now I found out that all the medical stuff that was tested when this was discovered was messed up.  They contradicted each other and now I have no idea what else is wrong with me.

I have come to understand that   I may not even stay pregnant.  I may have to give up the idea due to, too many other complications going on.  I have to make choices based on the facts and since I already have a child here that I need to take care of.  She has medical things that require extra attention.

I have so many emotions right now.  Confusion is the biggest.  I am not really attached but I feel guilty about choices being made.  I worry about my daughter but she seems to not be fully interested either so I probably don't have to worry about her but I do.  I have talked to the father  and he says he will still be there emotionally for me no matter what happens.  That is helpful at least, even if that is all he can offer right now I will take.

My body is having so many problems it is unreal.  I am not quite 4 months but I already feel like I am due now.  I am miserable and if I go to term I will be in so much pain it will be unreal.

Feelings Are In

So now that I have officially announced that I am pregnant I am having backwards emotions. I am feeling overwhelmed.  I am not feeling the attachment I thought I would.  I am more scared than anything.  I so worried about what is going to be affected and if I am going to regret this.

I am going to be a single mom again.  I worry that my daughter is going to regret the new baby.  What if I can't take care of the new one.  I am so freaking out to tell the truth.  I really have no anything right now.  I know this sounds harsh but as parents we should be able to express our real feelings. Not ever pregnancy is rainbows and sprinkles.

They can be very scary and draining.  Things can go wrong or like me you may have no clue that this is still possible so it is total shock.  Why do we have to pretend that it is all wonderful if that is not how we feel. People keep saying that I will be more into it when it gets closer.  Well what if I am not?  This is a real concern of mine,  What if my older daughter doesn't connect with it.

There are just so many things running in my brain.  Doing it alone is much harder than the first time.  I thought I would be ok but the truth is I am petrified and that is my reality.

The Biggest Surprise Ever

So I had been super sick for weeks and with a history of health conditions it was time to go to the Dr.  I went and they did all of the usual stuff.  They started with the Urine test and then did the blood work and then due to my PCOS they sent me to get an Ultrasound in case of cysts or cancer.  They also wanted an ultrasound of my thyroid in case.

Last Tuesday was the day I was scheduled for the ultrasounds.  They were taking a million pictures and not really telling me much.  Then the tech says they would not be able to tell me any results that day but they should be available in 24-48 hours.  She keeps scanning because she has to do the uterus and both ovaries.  By now my bladder is beyond full and I just want to get to the part where I get to go to the bath room.

Suddenly she says you have a little one in there.  I look at her thinking she is talking about a cyst of some sort so I say excuse me?  She says you have a little one in there as in a baby.  WHAT!?!?!?!?  Sure enough I am pregnant again.

Talk about a major surprise!  My only child just turned 15 years old.  I am in my late 30's and not to mention I was told it wouldn't happen again due to my medical history.  Craziest moment ever.  So here I am laying there and she shows me the baby and plays it's heartbeat for me.  I was already 14 weeks pregnant.  I couldn't believe it.  I am going to be starting over again.  I hae not done this forever.

I am going to blog the next 5 months.  Hopefully it may help another older unexpecting mother at some point.  Plus my circumstance is not as completely joyous as you would think.  I will be single mothering with no help of any kind from the other parent so this will be interesting.  STAY TUNED!

Nearing The End of the Year

So the end of the school year is fast approaching.  It seems like there is so much to do before it gets here.  Especially if your child is at the end of one building heading to another.  My daughter is leaving middle school for high school so there is extra to be done.  She has projects to complete and recognition night.  She is so busy with finishing her work too.  So how do you keep the momentum going and stay on track.

The best thing you can do this time of year is stay with the schedule you already have.  Even if it the nigh before the last day of school, stick to the bed time routine and what ever else you may do.  Children do best when they have a routine.  They really do best when there is structure.  They need to know that have certain things they need to do a certain times.  During school you have a routine and then summer is their time.

Even then there should still be some type of structure.  You should still have some type of bedtime and continue the nightly routine just as usual.  Keep them doing some things as usual.  They may nt like it now but they will respect you later.

Keep going it is almost here so you can enjoy a little summer fun. Have a great day.