Moving Forwrd

 So I have been writing about my pregnancy lately.  It was crazy to find out in the first place and then to find out it is in jeopardy. I have had to sit and think about my options as it pertains to every one.  I have severe health issues and do I want to go all the rest of the months for nothing.  I can barely take care of my daughter that already has health issues and there are many months to go.

I have an appointment on Tuesday and I am going to discuss ending the pregnancy.  I know that this is a very controversial issue and many people will be offended by my decision.  I must say I never thought I would ever even think about doing it, but here I am faced with a million uncertainties and a child that is 15 and quite often still needs my help to shower.  I know that I may lose readers and people might even leave nasty comments.

I understand where those people are  coming from I really do.  I know what I am saying and I know what it means if I go through with it.  It is going to be very painful and emotional and I will have to live with the decision for the rest of my life.  Let me just say that it has not been easy to think about.  I have had to think about all the pros and cons for the last month now.  It is really hard to even think about.  The alternative is just as hard.  I may have to watch my child suffer because I can,t help her or know that I am going to go full term for nothing or have another child that needs full attention.

How do I say one child needs me more than the other.  How do I decide which one is more important than the other?  Do I leave one suffering while I help the other in distress?  What if they are both in distress at the same time?  There are so many factors to consider.  There is also my health to consider.  If I am too sick to do anything then who takes care of them?  If I go full term and my health gets so bad do I recover?  What about my daughter who is here how can I be 100% for her?

I understand people will be mad.  Though as I have pointed out it is not always about just ending things.  There are many reasons why I am leaning toward this decision.   It isn't always about finances or just using it for birth control.  Some women have real reasons they may have to make this choice.  I am sure people are going to have an opinion but at the end of the day it is about what is best for everyone.

Not Feeling The Love

My body is out to get me at this point.  Everything is hurting and a lot of problems are popping up.  Sadly some of them are untreatable while pregnant so if it is positive I have them then I am really not sure what is going to happen.   My body will shut down slowly as the baby drains every bit of energy I have left from fighting so hard.  This is very dangerous for me, not to mention my daughter here since she does have seizures.  The other option is to treat things so I am better but then I risk the baby.

I am so at odds here really. I mean I have my daughter and myself to think about but how do you say that one life is more important than the other.  It is a very confusing situation really.  Then they say oh but it could be nothing too.  Although let us run all these other tests because we really have no idea.

It is very scary to be honest.  I want us all to be healthy but I have no idea what is going on and I am very concerned with the situation.  I have no idea how to handle this really. I am not prepared to have to make any major choices.  This pregnancy has been crazy enough with out adding more stress.  I really am so at odds with this whole thing.

I am just going day by day.  Trying to stay positive about the outcome.  I am sure things will be ok .  It is just hard not knowing what is happening, all the while being in pain all the time.

And It Just Keeps Coming

I have decided to focus on real talk about this pregnancy.  People are always talking about how great it is to be pregnant.  Well some times it is not and I think we should be able to talk about those things too.

So as much trouble as I am already having with this whole pregnancy thing, now I found out that all the medical stuff that was tested when this was discovered was messed up.  They contradicted each other and now I have no idea what else is wrong with me.

I have come to understand that   I may not even stay pregnant.  I may have to give up the idea due to, too many other complications going on.  I have to make choices based on the facts and since I already have a child here that I need to take care of.  She has medical things that require extra attention.

I have so many emotions right now.  Confusion is the biggest.  I am not really attached but I feel guilty about choices being made.  I worry about my daughter but she seems to not be fully interested either so I probably don't have to worry about her but I do.  I have talked to the father  and he says he will still be there emotionally for me no matter what happens.  That is helpful at least, even if that is all he can offer right now I will take.

My body is having so many problems it is unreal.  I am not quite 4 months but I already feel like I am due now.  I am miserable and if I go to term I will be in so much pain it will be unreal.

Busy Times in the Castle

So here we are only about 3 weeks into January and the fun is already starting.  I should start taking random courses in repair of all kinds.  I keep having things break and stuff is wearing out so fast me and my finances cant keep up. The power was out for about 2 hours and I spent all day at a car repair shop but my car is still not fixed. Plus having my Mom go to the hospital didn't make things any better.

So my had something happen and ended up in the ICU which was very scary.  She is home now but I do not know exactly how she is doing.  They keep changing her medications but that only helps for a bit so that was weighing on me a lot. 

We had a really bad snow storm so I missed 2 days of work.  Then after I was able to get there the power steering that I just had fixed stopped working again.  I will not be able to get it fixed for about 3 more days.  After shoveling from the storm for 3 days, it makes it very hard to steer with out power steering.  My fingers keep going numb even when I am not doing anything.

Of course with all the things I am trying to do around the house there is not a lot of time spent doing nothing.  Due to the weather and the fact that my house is so old mice are coming in like crazy to find shelter.  With 4 dogs it is not very peaceful with them searching for every noise they hear.  I know this type of things happens this time of year in old houses but it is driving me crazy and my dogs are over it too.

Then my dryer died.  No clean towels and the thing just went down.  I currently have towels hanging in random places around my house so I can at least shower for work next week.  I took the other one apart but it is really old and I don't want to get hurt taking apart something I shouldn't.  My cousin said I could take hers but first I need to find some one to go get it with since my vehicle is going crazy.

I think maybe it is time to start taking some classes and then maybe I can repair this stuff myself.  I hate not being able to get things done when I want them done.  I do plan on getting some foam calk though and filling in as many spaces as I can in hopes that keeps the mouse problem to a minimum.  If you out there have any suggestions for these situations I am all ears.

An Update Post

So in this post I am just going to give some updates on some stuff that I have talked about before.  I feel that I should from time to time let you know how things are going with some of the things that I have posted in the past.  If ever you want to know how something is going though feel free to ask.  I will gladly tell you how things are going.

So as for the update on my exercise stuff.  Well I have not been being very diligent but I am trying to get better.  I have gotten food for work so I am less tempted to go out to eat for lunch.  I have been trying to stand more than sit at work and some times I just walk behind the line to get some extra activity.  I think I got a small catch up on working out though since I have been shoveling the driveway and pushing my car out of being stuck.

With that an update on our severe weather we had.  Well just as they got everything all cleaned up and people got power back we started getting snow.  Now everyone is snowed in and missing work.  I started at 720 am and just got my truck unstuck at 1.  I have no idea if I will be able to get be able to get there tomorrow either so I am hoping that it will work out or I have to use PTO days to cover it.  The other problem is I am soooo sore and tired from all the work I have already done.  I don't know if I can shovel one more scoop.

Then there is the scoop on my divorce.  It is exactly 2 months from today.  I am kinda nervous I feel unprepared for some reason.  I just want to move on at this point and get going forward with mine and my daughters life.  Things are just to crazy with always having to always worry about what is going on with this stuff.  Once it is final then that is that.  My daughter still does not enjoy going over there but I am working on it either he will give her the attention she needs  or he will learn she is mad and give up on trying to force her.

Then we get to the other divorce info.  So Me and my first ex have test a few time since chatting but that is about it.  We haven't really talked about anything important in those texts though.  Just a few hope you are doing good, I am tired talk later, that type of stuff. I text him back briefly today but that is about it.  At least we had a good chat the other days and I got some stuff off my chest that I had never been able to talk to him about so that was nice.  I guess we will see if there is any future conversation.

Well I am going to go work on shoveling my car out some more and hope I can get to work tomorrow.  I hope you are safe and warm where you are at. Until next time.

Mother Natures Wrath Is Scary

So last night we got hit by a terrible ice storm.  It was awful outside when I got up.  We have thousands with out power and the temp outside is only 30.  It is a great reminder of the fact we are still vulnerable to some things.  Mother Nature can do what she wants when she wants and we just have to hope that we survive when her wild angry side comes out.

With all our new technology we are still no match for nature.  She can disrupt anything at anytime without warning.  She is still reminding us of this as I write.  After the storm raged it began to drizzle and is now lightly snowing again.  Only further complicating the efforts to restore power.  So many that rely on this stuff are without.  Businesses have been forced to shut down due to no power or wires being down.

Travel is slow going as we have to play nice since a lot of the traffic lights are out and we have to make our way around the fallen trees.  The damage is absolutely crazy out there.  Huge trees brought to the ground.  Vehicles under them or behind them unable to move.  They have warnings that unless it is an emergency stay home.  Our power crews have even been borrowing help from other utility companies to try to get things cleaned up on the roads.

Just remember there is always something out there bigger and meaner than you.  It can take things out in the blink of an eye.  Tempting nature is very dangerous, and while thrilling it can be fatal.   Do not risk your life if not necessary.