Another Year Ending

So here we are , another year over.  I am having mixed feeling really.  I am truly over this year.  It honestly was one of the crappiest years.  I lost my Mom, My daughter's health got worse and so did mine, my mental health has been shaken, and I got terminated from my job.

See why I am very unimpressed with this year?  The hard part is it means the last year my Princess is a child.  My little girl will turn 18 and then start her Senior year of high school.   That makes me sad and also ramps up my anxiety because that means new problems and I am totally unprepared to be the Mom of an adult who I still have to make all the decisions for because her health prevents her from being capable of doing it.  She is smart, and works hard.  She aspires to become a school teacher.  The problem is her seizures make life hard.  The truth is my adult child will still have days where she will be more like a 5 year old than an 18 year old. 

Totally not her fault and I accept that as her Mom this is absolutely my responsibility.  I have just spent 17.5 years making the decisions because she is a child.  What happens when I try to help and she says no because she really doesn't know what is happening right then or if I am unable to become her guardian so they will only talk to her and she gets too frustrated to make the right decisions?  Being a person with severe anxiety dealing with this has been an extremely difficult task.  I am soooo not ready.

As with the years past it does not matter how prepared or unprepared we are it will come.  It will bring with it whatever it wants and life will continue.  I think of the worst and pray for the best.  There will be no stopping it and all we can do is try to make each day count the best we can.

So as you close out these final days, just enjoy them because life is going to happen.  It will be messy sometimes and other times it will be great.  So my wish for all of you is that, May you have more great days than messy ones.

Thank you for visiting, until next time.

Getting on With Your Life After Loss

So it has been more than a month since my loss.  I have good days and bad days.  Some things are a little more emotional than others.  My cousin had a baby the other day and day and my friend is about to have one any day now.  Don't get me wrong I am very happy for both of them.  I wish them nothing but the best.  It doesn't make it any less hurtful in my situation.

There are thing every where that are reminders.  Even reading the ads is hard when they are having the baby sales.  Seeing everyone out with there babies and knowing that won't happen for me is hard.  Sometimes I think about what it would have been like had I still been pregnant.  I know how much time was left and I think about how big I would be and what I would be feeling right now.

It is hard.  I remind myself of all the reasons that it is ok, like all the pain I was in and the fact that I have a child who already needs so much of my time.  Of course my age was a big thing.  The big one is God needed another angel for something.  Those things sometimes help me remember to not be so lost.  Then all it takes is one little thing like some one selling a car seat on line or a coupon for bottles and suddenly I am back to the fact that I don't need those because I am not pregnant.

It has only been a little over a month so it is still fresh.  In time I know I will be better.  I can't say it will ever go away but it will get better.  I will be able to see other people have new babies and not feel loss but rather joy and happiness.  One day the pain will be so much less but until then I will have to do my best to move forward.

New Decisions

So after a long weekend and a lot of emotions I am trying to make a change.  I have decided I need to make some serious changes to my life.  I have had so many emotional things happen and I have been let down by so many.  I realized this weekend that I have given so much of myself to make others happy without worrying about the consequences it would have on me.  I have put them above my own mental and physical health.  It is time to stop this cycle.

It is ok to help people and consider how your actions will affect others, but at the end of the day you have to make sure you and your family are taken care of.  If you let yourself bottle everything up then eventually you will finally break. This is what happened to me over the weekend.  I realized how many people have  used me for their benefit and then when I was no longer needed they dropped me.  I was to trusting that they cared as much as I did but I was wrong.

The problem is my heart is too open.  I am not saying be closed off completely but you really have to know the people you let in your circle.  Make sure the people you invest your time in are investing their time back into you.  Even a little bit.  They may never be able to give as much as you for whatever reason, but make sure they are giving back and not just taking.  If you are the only one giving in a relationship then it might be time to re-evaluate things between you.

I want everyone to live an emotionally healthy life.  Please just keep an eye on who you are letting in your life.  Make sure they are making you as happy as you make them.  Life is give and take.  Please take the time to love and live to the fullest.

Moving Forwrd

 So I have been writing about my pregnancy lately.  It was crazy to find out in the first place and then to find out it is in jeopardy. I have had to sit and think about my options as it pertains to every one.  I have severe health issues and do I want to go all the rest of the months for nothing.  I can barely take care of my daughter that already has health issues and there are many months to go.

I have an appointment on Tuesday and I am going to discuss ending the pregnancy.  I know that this is a very controversial issue and many people will be offended by my decision.  I must say I never thought I would ever even think about doing it, but here I am faced with a million uncertainties and a child that is 15 and quite often still needs my help to shower.  I know that I may lose readers and people might even leave nasty comments.

I understand where those people are  coming from I really do.  I know what I am saying and I know what it means if I go through with it.  It is going to be very painful and emotional and I will have to live with the decision for the rest of my life.  Let me just say that it has not been easy to think about.  I have had to think about all the pros and cons for the last month now.  It is really hard to even think about.  The alternative is just as hard.  I may have to watch my child suffer because I can,t help her or know that I am going to go full term for nothing or have another child that needs full attention.

How do I say one child needs me more than the other.  How do I decide which one is more important than the other?  Do I leave one suffering while I help the other in distress?  What if they are both in distress at the same time?  There are so many factors to consider.  There is also my health to consider.  If I am too sick to do anything then who takes care of them?  If I go full term and my health gets so bad do I recover?  What about my daughter who is here how can I be 100% for her?

I understand people will be mad.  Though as I have pointed out it is not always about just ending things.  There are many reasons why I am leaning toward this decision.   It isn't always about finances or just using it for birth control.  Some women have real reasons they may have to make this choice.  I am sure people are going to have an opinion but at the end of the day it is about what is best for everyone.

Not Feeling The Love

My body is out to get me at this point.  Everything is hurting and a lot of problems are popping up.  Sadly some of them are untreatable while pregnant so if it is positive I have them then I am really not sure what is going to happen.   My body will shut down slowly as the baby drains every bit of energy I have left from fighting so hard.  This is very dangerous for me, not to mention my daughter here since she does have seizures.  The other option is to treat things so I am better but then I risk the baby.

I am so at odds here really. I mean I have my daughter and myself to think about but how do you say that one life is more important than the other.  It is a very confusing situation really.  Then they say oh but it could be nothing too.  Although let us run all these other tests because we really have no idea.

It is very scary to be honest.  I want us all to be healthy but I have no idea what is going on and I am very concerned with the situation.  I have no idea how to handle this really. I am not prepared to have to make any major choices.  This pregnancy has been crazy enough with out adding more stress.  I really am so at odds with this whole thing.

I am just going day by day.  Trying to stay positive about the outcome.  I am sure things will be ok .  It is just hard not knowing what is happening, all the while being in pain all the time.

Another Day of Testing

So as we have been discussing pregnancy in honest detail today took a crazy turn.  They still do not have answers for me about the extra stuff that is going on.  I feel awful all the time. This is not all sparkles and rainbows at all.  The testing sucks a whole lot.  Blood draws and urine tests then they were pushing on my ovaries which are what started the testing that found the baby.  I wanted to crawl off the exam table.

Then I have to make amends with the fact that this pregnancy might not last any way due to other factors and health reasons.  That was weird to hear really.  I am older and things get more complicated and then there is the fact of health and everything that I am already prone to issues with.

I have only known for about a week now so it really hasn't affected me either way to be completely honest.  The dad has said he will be supportive no matter what happens.  He is by my side figuratively speaking as much as I need him.  He has been great for an ear everyday so that has been nice.  My daughter's father made me as miserable as possible during my whole pregnancy.  Having some one to just listen to  my frustration is more helpful than you can imagine.

For some this all might be too honest.  I think it is only fair that we can really discuss the reality of the situation.  Not all pregnancies are the same.  Not everyone has the same support system that is super supportive and there every second.  Not everyone has the easiest most pleasant experience either.  I apologize if it is too honest but I think it is fair to everyone to get all the details in an honest fashion.

Just Checking In

So I have given you a lot of advice in my last few posts.  I am just wondering if any one has started using them or has any success to share. Have you tried a budget yet?  How does your family feel about cutting back?  What have you decided to save for?  I would like to hear your thoughts on things.  Do you think these are good or bad ideas?

These are things that have helped me.  I kept looking for help myself but all the articles seemed to be geared toward people with a lot more money so I decided I would share what I have learned and used as a person that has very little wiggle room for saving and spending.  I only work part time and have a daughter to support so a big budget is not something I am accustomed to.  I wanted to help other people so I hope I am getting out to at least even one person to make a difference.

So Many Decisions But Not Enough Time

So I have a lot of things I need to make decisions on right now and the deadlines are quickly approaching.  I have no idea what I want to do about them either.  I have been praying over each of them but still I am not sure what the best decision for each situation is. 

They are all very important decisions that will impact my future so I do not want to make the wrong choice for any of them.  If I make the wrong decision it impacts other things and I really don't want to mess those things up.

I have to decide whether or not to keep my house or just let it go.  I would love to keep it and rent it out again it was something I bought on my own and I am very proud of that but at the same time I do not want it to eat all my money.  I am working on paying off bills and saving up some money and this could affect that.  I am not sure that I can keep the house and be able to save money at the same time.  I really want to get back on my feet and stop having to ask for help all the time.  On the other hand I don't want to give up my home either.  It is a really hard choice to make at this point.

I also have to make the decision of if I really want to switch branches.  After today I am back to wanting to leave the branch I am at.  I already have the new position but I can change my mind at any time before I actually start there.  I struggled over the weekend about what to do and have continued to pray.  Somethings that happened that might seem petty to some really made me feel like leaving is the right thing.  Then I wait on some of the customers and realize I like them and I would love to stay and continue to work for them.  It is really hard to make these choices.

Then there is whether or not I should get a lawyer to help me finalize my divorce.  I have done most of it myself so this is to just get it done and help with the custody concerns.  I am having a lot of problems with my about to be ex doing what he should be as a parent but I do what I am supposed to and it is ridiculous that he can just lie and do what ever he wants and my daughter continues to suffer because his selfishness.  I am very much over the situation but at the same time it will be very costly to pay for this lawyer which goes back to the trying to save money part.

It is a lot to figure out and basically I have to decide by the end of this week so that puts even more pressure on me since it is half way over.  I need to figure it out quick though or all the decisions will be made for me and I will just have to live with whatever happens.

Working Hard And Getting Nowhere

So I have been doing the survey thing and it is actually getting very overwhelming.  My inbox is filling up faster than I can do the surveys.  I have over 500 emails now and every time I take one there seems to be about 10 more that show up.  I am still on ones that arrived on Tuesday and here it is Saturday so it takes a lot of patience. 

I still have not found my favorite yet but I have found a few that I am not a big fan of.  It is hard to qualify for the surveys or they are really long and seem to go nowhere.  I started on last night and after like 45 minutes it still kept going and I was only 50% done.  I finally gave up and went to bed since it was 3 AM.  I can say for sure that if you are a person who needs sleep then you may want to think about this before you do it.  Or if you can not sit still for long periods I would not recommend this to you either.

I am going to get back to work now so that I can come up with my favorite list and pass it on to my readers. This is my last real day of vacation so I also want to do some other stuff as well.  Tomorrow we will be getting ready for a new work week and we have Church in the morning so no staying up too late tonight either.