Feelings Are In

So now that I have officially announced that I am pregnant I am having backwards emotions. I am feeling overwhelmed.  I am not feeling the attachment I thought I would.  I am more scared than anything.  I so worried about what is going to be affected and if I am going to regret this.

I am going to be a single mom again.  I worry that my daughter is going to regret the new baby.  What if I can't take care of the new one.  I am so freaking out to tell the truth.  I really have no anything right now.  I know this sounds harsh but as parents we should be able to express our real feelings. Not ever pregnancy is rainbows and sprinkles.

They can be very scary and draining.  Things can go wrong or like me you may have no clue that this is still possible so it is total shock.  Why do we have to pretend that it is all wonderful if that is not how we feel. People keep saying that I will be more into it when it gets closer.  Well what if I am not?  This is a real concern of mine,  What if my older daughter doesn't connect with it.

There are just so many things running in my brain.  Doing it alone is much harder than the first time.  I thought I would be ok but the truth is I am petrified and that is my reality.

The Biggest Surprise Ever

So I had been super sick for weeks and with a history of health conditions it was time to go to the Dr.  I went and they did all of the usual stuff.  They started with the Urine test and then did the blood work and then due to my PCOS they sent me to get an Ultrasound in case of cysts or cancer.  They also wanted an ultrasound of my thyroid in case.

Last Tuesday was the day I was scheduled for the ultrasounds.  They were taking a million pictures and not really telling me much.  Then the tech says they would not be able to tell me any results that day but they should be available in 24-48 hours.  She keeps scanning because she has to do the uterus and both ovaries.  By now my bladder is beyond full and I just want to get to the part where I get to go to the bath room.

Suddenly she says you have a little one in there.  I look at her thinking she is talking about a cyst of some sort so I say excuse me?  She says you have a little one in there as in a baby.  WHAT!?!?!?!?  Sure enough I am pregnant again.

Talk about a major surprise!  My only child just turned 15 years old.  I am in my late 30's and not to mention I was told it wouldn't happen again due to my medical history.  Craziest moment ever.  So here I am laying there and she shows me the baby and plays it's heartbeat for me.  I was already 14 weeks pregnant.  I couldn't believe it.  I am going to be starting over again.  I hae not done this forever.

I am going to blog the next 5 months.  Hopefully it may help another older unexpecting mother at some point.  Plus my circumstance is not as completely joyous as you would think.  I will be single mothering with no help of any kind from the other parent so this will be interesting.  STAY TUNED!