Graduation Time

So it happened.  My daughter graduated high school on Saturday.  It seems like not so long ago she was starting her first day of Kindergarten.  I cried that day.  I knew she was growing up and it was scary.  I cried on graduation day because she is a grown up, and it is scary.

It is bitter sweet really.  I knew it would come but I was still not prepared for it.  She really does deserve it though.  She worked very hard.  She fought each day to do her hardest.  She has Seizures, ADHD and some other things that really made it a challenge to remember all that she had learned.

Despite  these things she studied and worked hard to get the best grade she could each and everyday.  She is so smart too.  The seizures have robbed her of some memory but none the less she made good grades.  She worked hard and even won a scholarship for college.  She will be going in the fall.

She wants to be a teacher.  She wants to teach kindergarten or preschool.   She says she wants to make a difference by giving children the same start she got.  She loves school and really wants children to want to be there.  We joke about how she finished school, to go to school, so she can work at school.

Even though it has been a tough road she never gave up.  I could not be prouder of her.  I know she will do great things.  I have complete faith that she will make a change in the world.

                                                   

Feeling Pretty Good

So for a long time things were really rough.  Then all of the sudden the other day I was sitting here doing my surveys and such and it hit me.  I was fine.  I wasn't stressed even though a lot of things were crazy.  I was relaxed and at peace with my situation.  I didn't care that things were going wrong. I was just enjoying sitting with my daughter and doing my thing.  It was a great feeling.

As you all know it has been a long time that things have been going crazy for me.  Every day I woke up worried about what was going to go wrong and would I make it just one more day.  This day it was all gone.  I wasn't worried, or stressed or anything of the sort.  I was just at peace.  It was an amazing moment for me.  It has been so long but I got there.  Every day since I have thought about that feeling and I keep it going.  Not every day is perfect and sunshine but I am still here.

I am also thinking about taking a big step into a career change where I am in charge.  I want to help people.  I want it to be in a big way though so I am thinking of becoming a life coach.  I can help people figure out what they want to do and how to get there.  I am not sure this is my true calling but it has been on my mind day after day for at least a week now so I am researching the topic.  I think it would be amazing to help others find their true passion and how to get there.

I am ready to change and do big things with my life.  I know I am poor in money but I am rich in faith and spirit.  I am going to make it.  So will you.

Getting on With Your Life After Loss

So it has been more than a month since my loss.  I have good days and bad days.  Some things are a little more emotional than others.  My cousin had a baby the other day and day and my friend is about to have one any day now.  Don't get me wrong I am very happy for both of them.  I wish them nothing but the best.  It doesn't make it any less hurtful in my situation.

There are thing every where that are reminders.  Even reading the ads is hard when they are having the baby sales.  Seeing everyone out with there babies and knowing that won't happen for me is hard.  Sometimes I think about what it would have been like had I still been pregnant.  I know how much time was left and I think about how big I would be and what I would be feeling right now.

It is hard.  I remind myself of all the reasons that it is ok, like all the pain I was in and the fact that I have a child who already needs so much of my time.  Of course my age was a big thing.  The big one is God needed another angel for something.  Those things sometimes help me remember to not be so lost.  Then all it takes is one little thing like some one selling a car seat on line or a coupon for bottles and suddenly I am back to the fact that I don't need those because I am not pregnant.

It has only been a little over a month so it is still fresh.  In time I know I will be better.  I can't say it will ever go away but it will get better.  I will be able to see other people have new babies and not feel loss but rather joy and happiness.  One day the pain will be so much less but until then I will have to do my best to move forward.

New Decisions

So after a long weekend and a lot of emotions I am trying to make a change.  I have decided I need to make some serious changes to my life.  I have had so many emotional things happen and I have been let down by so many.  I realized this weekend that I have given so much of myself to make others happy without worrying about the consequences it would have on me.  I have put them above my own mental and physical health.  It is time to stop this cycle.

It is ok to help people and consider how your actions will affect others, but at the end of the day you have to make sure you and your family are taken care of.  If you let yourself bottle everything up then eventually you will finally break. This is what happened to me over the weekend.  I realized how many people have  used me for their benefit and then when I was no longer needed they dropped me.  I was to trusting that they cared as much as I did but I was wrong.

The problem is my heart is too open.  I am not saying be closed off completely but you really have to know the people you let in your circle.  Make sure the people you invest your time in are investing their time back into you.  Even a little bit.  They may never be able to give as much as you for whatever reason, but make sure they are giving back and not just taking.  If you are the only one giving in a relationship then it might be time to re-evaluate things between you.

I want everyone to live an emotionally healthy life.  Please just keep an eye on who you are letting in your life.  Make sure they are making you as happy as you make them.  Life is give and take.  Please take the time to love and live to the fullest.

Sad News

This will probably be a short post but wanted to share.  I was trying to share being pregnant and be honest about my experience.  Well the sad truth is it does not look good and I will probably not be able to continue.

I have not known for even a month so that lessons the blow a little but it is still hard to think about all the same.  As I am single and older I will not have another opportunity for this experience again.  It is hard to process that idea.  I do however have a beautiful 15 year old daughter and I will continue to  be the best mom to her that I know how and that will never change

Another Day of Testing

So as we have been discussing pregnancy in honest detail today took a crazy turn.  They still do not have answers for me about the extra stuff that is going on.  I feel awful all the time. This is not all sparkles and rainbows at all.  The testing sucks a whole lot.  Blood draws and urine tests then they were pushing on my ovaries which are what started the testing that found the baby.  I wanted to crawl off the exam table.

Then I have to make amends with the fact that this pregnancy might not last any way due to other factors and health reasons.  That was weird to hear really.  I am older and things get more complicated and then there is the fact of health and everything that I am already prone to issues with.

I have only known for about a week now so it really hasn't affected me either way to be completely honest.  The dad has said he will be supportive no matter what happens.  He is by my side figuratively speaking as much as I need him.  He has been great for an ear everyday so that has been nice.  My daughter's father made me as miserable as possible during my whole pregnancy.  Having some one to just listen to  my frustration is more helpful than you can imagine.

For some this all might be too honest.  I think it is only fair that we can really discuss the reality of the situation.  Not all pregnancies are the same.  Not everyone has the same support system that is super supportive and there every second.  Not everyone has the easiest most pleasant experience either.  I apologize if it is too honest but I think it is fair to everyone to get all the details in an honest fashion.

A Few Updates

So today I am just going to talk about updates.  A lot has happened over the last year and I talked about some of them.  I am going to tell you today how things are going as we have made our way.

I have been divorced for a year now.  It is still hard to accept because I trusted him with everything I had which included my child, and he let me down.  The hardest part is he continues to let my daughter down but refuses to acknowledge she is hurting.  I can not change that.  I can only love her as much as I can and try to move forward.  He has completely moved and seems to be doing great while I continue to struggle with many things.  I pray and keep going and just do my best to help my daughter.

Weight loss is a constant struggle.  I have lost 20 pounds but have a lot to go.  We have had a rough year health wise so getting to the gym has been a distant thought completely.  I have a lot more to go but I am trying to at least be more conscious about how much I eat.  I don't really make a big deal about what I eat but how much and when. I am working on eating only when I am hungry and stopping when I am full.  Not snacking just to eat.

My daughter still has seizures and other things going on.   It has been a tough struggle this year for her health wise and it is really starting to get to her.  he is trying to remain positive but I know she is hurting in so many ways.  All I can do is be there for her and give her as much love as I can.  I continue to pray for her each day.

Things have been tough but My God, me and my daughter are tougher.  We will get through this. It may be next year or longer but we will make it and rest assured we will thrive at the end of the day.  

Dealing With Loss

So we are going to switch gears for a minute.  So on Tuesday I had to put my dog to sleep.  It was very hard.  I cried like a baby.  My daughter was with me and cried too.  It was a very emotional day and the things that bothered me the most were not the ones I thought would get to me.

We knew this was what was best for him.  He was old and tired and he was having trouble just being here.  I made the appointment for a week later so we would have just a bit longer to love him and spoil him.  We got him some special items just for him and he slept with us every night until it was the day.  We did everything we could to make sure that his final days were great.  Then it was time

We sat with him for a bit then they gave him the shot.  Then we sat some more.  We cried and just loved on him for a little bit.  Then we decided it was time to let them take him.  Then our friends took us to dinner and we were doing okay.  We knew in our hearts we had done the right thing.  It was the next part that really hit hard and made us cry even harder.

We came home.  He was not there to greet us.  He wasn't laying on his pillow.  My daughter out of habit sat down on her couch and draped her hand over the edge like usual which was when Freckles would waddle over and get some lovins.  That is when it really got bad, he didn't waddle over.  He was never going to waddle over for lovins again.

That is what is hard about losing some one.  It isn't the letting go.  You know that people are lost every day.  It isn't the loss that hurts so much.  It is remembering.  It is a remembering all the wonderful things that used to be.  You realize those thing are officially over.  They are never going to happen again.  Now every time you see those things happening or do those things it reminds you of the person or animal and it hurts that they are not there to do those things again.

We will always remember and we will always love you.  Thank you for rescuing us.  RIP Freckles "The Fat Man" Hooper

When The Ex Comes Calling

So I found out my mom was in the hospital the other day but I was trying to stay calm because my dad said it wasn't to serious.  I went through my day the next day at work and just tried to keep my mind off the problem.  Then I saw a number on my phone and there was a voice mail so I checked I checked and was quite shocked at who it was.

It turned out to be my first ex-husband!  Now I really don't talk to him.  Our relationship went pretty much like this last one.  In the end he cheated but he is my daughters biological Father so he left me pregnant with not much to my name.  I have since gotten over the situation since I can't change it.  We have talked before so whatever.  Some how this voice mail seemed different though.  It just said call me at this number.  Well I thought about it and I did. 

When he answered he asked how I was.  I said fine then he said he had been itching so he knew he should call.  What he was talking about is that we got matching tattoos before our wedding but they are in Japanese so they just look like another tattoo.  After the divorce mine would occasionally itch an swell and with out fail every time it did he was up to something.  So I finally told him about it, so I guess he felt his acting up and decided to call.  Weird timing so I told him he was right and explained my mom.

We talked for 2 hours that night and I really let him have it for the things he put me through.  We talked about all kinds of different things.  We talked about my up coming divorce and I yelled a lot about things.  He told me things he had heard years ago and we just had it out and went through a lot of emotions.  At one point he mentioned me being mad at him and still hating him. Well I corrected him.

You see the truth is that I don't care any more.  I forgave him and stopped being mad about the marriage a long time ago.  I explained to him what I was mad about was his choices.  He choice to cheat, to leave, and to not be part of my daughters life.  That made me angry but it was also his problem.  He made those choices and what happened was neither here nor there.  I was long over the cheating and being left behind and my daughter doesn't even want to know his name so it is what it is but he made crappy choices.

We had a grudge match conversation.  We went at each other about all the faults that happened, who's fault it was that things ended, who cheated on who.  You name it we probably covered it.  I even started calling him names by the alphabet.  it was a very intense conversation.  In the end we said good night and talk later.

We talked another 2 hours yesterday.  It was kind of healing talking to him.  We never had a real closer to our marriage.  We lived in different states when the whole thing happened so it never really got resolved.  When he did move back it was more of a competition to prove who had moved on better.  Which I ultimately won that  one so that was satisfying.  We sat another 2 hours going through the same routine as the night before.  This time though I really let him have it.  Let him know what him acting like he did caused.

I wanted him to know.  He went through the routine of supposedly I cheated on him and whatever.  Finally I said your right.  Whoever you think I cheated with your right.  I did from now on who ever you mention that's who I will agree with.  I told him that now he can tell people I did it so he could feel justified about what he did.  Now he could blame me for every thing and the dismantling of our marriage.  This really got to him.  He didn't like it at all.  I simply took his ammunition from him.  That was good too.  It made him have to think about his actions for once.  After I finally just said your right it was my fault.  I gave up everything for you and did everything for you but in the end it was my fault that our family broke down.  I told him make sure he told people this too.  I no longer wanted people to think he had done me wrong.  Once he couldn't really make me mad about it, it kinda forced him to really look at the situation.  We talked a little longer then said goodnight. 

I text him tonight but he really can't talk to me.  I took away all the things he had over me to make me so angry these last 13 years.  The only thing he was left with was the cold truth and that hurt a little.  He always mentions that he knows he screwed up but he always says I had a big part in it and would never really let it go so when I finally said call me what you want and think what you want.  He no longer had control to make me angry of accusing me of random things.  I hope next time we talk that we can have and actual conversation with out dragging things out but who knows.  Only time will tell.  I just hope it doesn't take another 13 years for us to have a civil conversation

New Year New Day New Ideas

So it is 2014 and I am excited.  I have so many things to get done this year.  I have a million ideas to do my business.  A ton of new ideas for how to make products for my daughters business.  I am determined to make this a great year regardless of how 2013 went, it is over and fresh starts are possible. 

My divorce happens in March and while I am sad I am also relieved.  I no longer have to worry about it.  I can just focus on mine and my daughters futures and make our lives as awesome as possible.  What are you putting behind you this year? Are there reasons you are happy that 2013 is over? 

I know I am going to be really busy this year but it is all going to be good stuff.  I also plan on getting my daughter back into dance so I will have to get ready for all the practices and recitals and maybe competitions if she is still good enough for the dance team.  Then work on business stuff as much as possible.  I have also found a survey company that makes it easier to earn money.  I have only been doing it a couple days now and almost have enough points to cash in for $10.  You only need to earn 100 points for that and there surveys generally pay decent points for each one.  I am using another one that is taking a little longer but still better than when I tried it last time.  So at say $10 a month I could earn a minimum of an extra $120 this year so I can put that toward my $5000 goal or use that specifically for Christmas.  You can turn it in for other stuff that is decent but I am just more interested in the money.

Well I just wanted to drop in with a quick chat tonight.  I go back to work in the morning and I only have about 6.5 hours to sleep.  It is going to be a great year so lets get together and make it fun

New Year approaching, Proceed with Caution

So this year is almost over and that means a whole new start again.  This year has definitely a struggle so I am ready for a new beginning.  On the other hand I worry that I will bring this year to the next and that is not a good thing at all.  I want to start 2014 clean. 

My divorce will be official in March so i can finally move past all this drama.  My finances seem to be looking up so that is very relieving and mine and my daughters health have improved so I am super happy.  I am excited by all the blessing we are receiving.  It is hard to get too excited since I have been at this point before and then got sent all the way back to the start again.

I am very proud of myself for hanging in there and keeping my faith even when everything looked like it was over.  I still have a ways to go to be back where I was but the fact that I am on the right path is very exciting.  I feel that 2014 will be the year of recovery.  I see things getting better and better from here.

I encourage anyone who has been struggling to really reach deep.  Know that if you keep strong and keep your faith you can get through what ever is holding you back.  It may take some time but do not give up.  There is a bright side that will come through.  Please stay positive and just be true to yourself and it will work out.

Make sure that you pay real close attention to the people in your life too.  They can have a real impact on what happens.  Make sure you are trusting the right people and staying for away from the wrong ones.  Having positive people in your life that help you reach your goals can get you far.  You need people that will help you when you have nothing.

It is going to be a great 2014 just make sure you pay attention to what you are doing and don't give up.  Stay blessed and you will be impressed with how far you go.

Weird Kind of Day

This is going to be a quick post for today.  Nothing went as planned and I have so much to still get done.  I woke up and things started good, then it got a little awkward.  Then work was weird as well so that really threw me for a loop.  The rest of the day did not go as planned either so nothing worked out the way it was supposed to.  I just got home like 3 hours after I was supposed to and I still do not have my divorce papers and I wanted them to be ready to file  tomorrow.

So it is the big day I finally start the process and I am not really sure how I feel now.  I was sad and then I was ready and now I just want to get it started so I can be done with it.  I have been married to him for the last eight years and never thought it would end.  Even when he told me he had gotten a girlfriend when I thought we were going to be making things stronger.  That my friend was a big shock.  You think that you are going to make your marriage stronger and he tells you he has a girlfriend and does not want to be with you like that anymore.  It was really hard.  Especially now that he puts his girlfriend before you and your child. 

He only seems to want to hang out with her when he wants and is very inflexible about weekends.  I am just beyond the whole situation.  I just want to get it done so that I can move forward with what is best for me and my daughter.  It in no way will be easy but after a year I feel it is time.  I really tried to work on it but he is unwilling so time to go.

Happy Days

So I have been busy the last two days and I hope it pays off.  I really want to get stuff together.  I am planning to file my divorce papers Wednesday which is sad.  I have been trying for a year with no change so I feel it is time to move on.  I have been working on the house trying to make it feel a little more like my home instead of my parents home.  We are making progress slowly but surely.  I feel things are turning around slowly in my favor.  It feels good for a change.

Work not so much.  I am not the favorite at work by any means so things can get a little sticky now and then.  It is a love, hate relationship.  I love my paycheck coming in but hate that I have to go to work.  I am trying to find something I can do that I really enjoy.  Maybe starting my own business.  I would much rather be the boss than keep working some place where I do not feel respected. 

I am just going to Keep Swimming.  It has to go up from here.  I do feel sad on some things but happy that I am strong enough to keep going.  I am thankful to the people who continue to support me even when I don't want to support myself.  It has been a long year and it looks like I am finally heading in somewhat the right direction.  I only hope the next year goes even better.

Well it is late and I have  plans in the morning.  Have a great day.

On Some Kind Of Weird High

So after so much that has happened I have actually been in a pretty good mood.   I saw a person that I used to go to school with and I have been talking to them for like 2 days.  It has been kinda great to just talk to someone about stuff.  Of course because of spending so much time texting I have not gotten much else done which is not a good thing at all.  I am behind again on everything it is really hard to be behind this much.  I really need to get focused because I will be starting school again in a few weeks, plus I have a birthday to plan.  Then there is the drama

I posted before about me and my husband and how we were not getting along.  I have decided to officially end it by filing paper work.  It will be sad and my daughter is not happy but we have not lived together in over a year and he doesn't even talk to me anymore so I think I am better off just moving forward and trying to be happy.  I really hate the idea I miss him a lot but he has shown no interest in even talking to me about our child so I think it is best that I just go on.

So I really don't know how to deal with it for my child.  She is soo devastated about the idea but I can't just sit here waiting for him to change his mind for years.  I need to do stuff that is going to make me happy so that I can make my daughter happy.  I truly hate that we could not make it work out but I guess it is better to find out now than when we are elderly and have spent our whole life's together and then don't know what to do.

 Well I am getting off of here to get some sleep and hopefully clean my house tomorrow.  Have a great day

Emotionally Out Of Control

Today I had a break down emotionally.  It seemed like anything that could break me down was happening.  I literally cried the entire time I was in church service.  It was awful.  Now I am completely drained.  I have really lost all energy today.  Things were just out of control.  I have so much going on and I am worried about so much that I finally burst.

 I did talk to a member of the prayer team today and it helped a little.  I believe in God.  I have no doubt that he is out there and he does work miracles. That I do not question at all.  I have problems having faith in myself.  A lot of the time I feel like it is me that is broken and I am incapable of receiving all that is out there.  I know that this is not what God intends but I still can not grasp it in me.  I pray I tithe and I go to church but I still feel broken.

By no means am I trying to lead people one way or the other.  While I hope that everyone would find their path in Christ I also know that everyone has free will.  I am not hear to force my beliefs or UN-beliefs.  I am just here talking about how I have been feeling.  There might be some one out there with the same odd feeling and it might help to know they are not alone.  They may have questions also that can be answered.  I am hoping that people will start getting engaged and commenting on my posts so that everyone can find help with things that may be on their mind.

I have a lot to do and I am going to have to make a to-do list to get it all done but bit by bit I hope to get everything done.   Sadly I am also starting my divorce so it is a sad time all around any way.  On that note I am signing off for the night so that I can get some other work done.  Have a great day.

Eye Opening Days

Well I have been back at work for 4 days now and things are actually different now.  I see things a little different there.  I just don't even get caught in the drama right now, i mostly just shake my head and laugh.  The extra effort put in by some people just to make others miserable is beyond me.  It has been very uplifting for me to be able to withdrawal from the personal drama has been nice.  I am even using it with my husband. 

After not hearing a word from him for our anniversary  I was a little bummed but saw it coming.  Though my daughter text him and she never heard from him that day.  Then yesterday he text me after 6 saying he was picking her up and I told him to talk to her about it because she had already made plans which turned into a fight because he wants his way when he wants it and not a minute later.  Ultimately my daughter told him the same thing and he stopped texting her for the rest of the night.  I do not know why he could not compromise and let her do her activity and then get her but since she didn't want to go when he said he is not taking her now.  Although he complains he never gets to see her but also does not call her during the time he does not see her. It is very frustrating to deal with some time.

Now when he wants to argue though I just stop him by saying I am not fighting about it and he can work with me or I have nothing else to say about it.  That leads to him not talking to me for awhile usually.  I hate that my daughter has to be punished because he wants to pick a fight with me but at the same time I refuse to let him run our lives when he is the one that walked away.  even after that I have been letting get what he wants and trying to fix the marriage but he is the one that wants to keep fighting about everything.

I am not going to say that it is perfect today was a challenge.  There were things that were trying my patience but I made it through.  I just kept telling myself that it was not worth it.  There are far more important things I can worry about rather than the bad moods of other people.  Plus I find that the day goes faster when I am in a good mood.  It makes the customers happier and I get things done a lot easier because it is not such a chore at that point.

Well I need to get some sleep due to the fact I have only been sleeping about 5 hours a night for the last week.  Have a great day.

Today Is One Of Those Days

So today was another good day at work.  With another crazy coworker day and a lot of nonsense work to be done.  I dove in and kept smiling even at the nonsense.  I have actually been in good mood for the fact that today was supposed to be special.  I should be celebrating and remembering a perfect day.  It should have been one of the happiest days of the year.

Unfortunately for our 8 year anniversary me and my husband are now separated.  When we should have been celebrating I have a feeling he was spending time with his new girlfriend whom he ironically met this time last year but didn't tell me about her until she moved here into his house which was like 2 months after he moved back home.  It was a blow for sure.  I mean we had our problems but the whole time we were separated for military reasons we were still talking and texting on a regular basis.  He is soo different now and it has really hurt a lot.  He not only treats me different but also our daughter as well.

She text him today and he never even responded.  He does this quite often and it is really confusing for her.  She and her Dad used to hang out all the time and now he chooses the new girl over her as well.  I think that is what makes it so hard even today.  She will be 13 next month which is such a special age and he won't even text me back to talk about her birthday.  It is a mess.

I am surprised by how calm I have really been today though.  I have been smiling and trying to get things accomplished and move ahead and do what is best for my daughter.  I just hate that I feel like I wasted the last 10 years of my life with this guy.  I was with him for 2 years before we got married and he knew how I felt because of past relationships but he made me forget all that.

He was fun and always made me feel special when we were together.  Eventually he asked and I said yes 8 years later he has a new girl and I have a lot of broken promises.  I really wanted to work things out as sad as that may seem to some.  I am starting to realize that even though I love him I can not just sit and wait to see if he gets bored with her and comes back.

The lack of anger and hurt that I do have today makes me realize that even though this has been hard I can still smile and I will at some point be OK.  I am going to be sad and I will always have some kind of love for him but I think that it is time for me to only look forward and smile at the sun.  I want my daughter to know she comes from a strong person and she can make it too.