About Me

My photo
Lansing, Michigan, United States
I am a Mother, a mentor, a business owner, an employee. I am a person I have a busy life and would like to help others deal with their busy lives.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Crazy Day

SO I was supposed to go for my check up today but I didn't because I think I have a cold and felt terrible.  At work I had one of my best work days so far.  Then I come home and my daughter starts acting crazy and having an attitude.

It was like a roller coaster that didn't stop.  Because she is mad at me she has decided to do her homework on the kitchen floor.  She is 15 mind you so this is just weird.  She does have learning issues that make things very difficult but still she is very crazy some times.   This is another reason I feel having only one child will be best for this house.  She is a lot of work when she has mood swings.

How about you?  How old are your children?  What do you do to deal with their mood swings or difficult behavior?

I hope one day I will figure out how to manage life with her so that she can feel more confident and feel like she can accomplish things.  My biggest fear is that she will cripple herself thinking she can not get far and live that way forever.

Monday, September 28, 2015

New Decisions

So after a long weekend and a lot of emotions I am trying to make a change.  I have decided I need to make some serious changes to my life.  I have had so many emotional things happen and I have been let down by so many.  I realized this weekend that I have given so much of myself to make others happy without worrying about the consequences it would have on me.  I have put them above my own mental and physical health.  It is time to stop this cycle.

It is ok to help people and consider how your actions will affect others, but at the end of the day you have to make sure you and your family are taken care of.  If you let yourself bottle everything up then eventually you will finally break. This is what happened to me over the weekend.  I realized how many people have  used me for their benefit and then when I was no longer needed they dropped me.  I was to trusting that they cared as much as I did but I was wrong.

The problem is my heart is too open.  I am not saying be closed off completely but you really have to know the people you let in your circle.  Make sure the people you invest your time in are investing their time back into you.  Even a little bit.  They may never be able to give as much as you for whatever reason, but make sure they are giving back and not just taking.  If you are the only one giving in a relationship then it might be time to re-evaluate things between you.

I want everyone to live an emotionally healthy life.  Please just keep an eye on who you are letting in your life.  Make sure they are making you as happy as you make them.  Life is give and take.  Please take the time to love and live to the fullest.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Moving Forwrd

 So I have been writing about my pregnancy lately.  It was crazy to find out in the first place and then to find out it is in jeopardy. I have had to sit and think about my options as it pertains to every one.  I have severe health issues and do I want to go all the rest of the months for nothing.  I can barely take care of my daughter that already has health issues and there are many months to go.

I have an appointment on Tuesday and I am going to discuss ending the pregnancy.  I know that this is a very controversial issue and many people will be offended by my decision.  I must say I never thought I would ever even think about doing it, but here I am faced with a million uncertainties and a child that is 15 and quite often still needs my help to shower.  I know that I may lose readers and people might even leave nasty comments.

I understand where those people are  coming from I really do.  I know what I am saying and I know what it means if I go through with it.  It is going to be very painful and emotional and I will have to live with the decision for the rest of my life.  Let me just say that it has not been easy to think about.  I have had to think about all the pros and cons for the last month now.  It is really hard to even think about.  The alternative is just as hard.  I may have to watch my child suffer because I can,t help her or know that I am going to go full term for nothing or have another child that needs full attention.

How do I say one child needs me more than the other.  How do I decide which one is more important than the other?  Do I leave one suffering while I help the other in distress?  What if they are both in distress at the same time?  There are so many factors to consider.  There is also my health to consider.  If I am too sick to do anything then who takes care of them?  If I go full term and my health gets so bad do I recover?  What about my daughter who is here how can I be 100% for her?

I understand people will be mad.  Though as I have pointed out it is not always about just ending things.  There are many reasons why I am leaning toward this decision.   It isn't always about finances or just using it for birth control.  Some women have real reasons they may have to make this choice.  I am sure people are going to have an opinion but at the end of the day it is about what is best for everyone.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Sad News

This will probably be a short post but wanted to share.  I was trying to share being pregnant and be honest about my experience.  Well the sad truth is it does not look good and I will probably not be able to continue.

I have not known for even a month so that lessons the blow a little but it is still hard to think about all the same.  As I am single and older I will not have another opportunity for this experience again.  It is hard to process that idea.  I do however have a beautiful 15 year old daughter and I will continue to  be the best mom to her that I know how and that will never change

Friday, September 4, 2015

Not Feeling The Love

My body is out to get me at this point.  Everything is hurting and a lot of problems are popping up.  Sadly some of them are untreatable while pregnant so if it is positive I have them then I am really not sure what is going to happen.   My body will shut down slowly as the baby drains every bit of energy I have left from fighting so hard.  This is very dangerous for me, not to mention my daughter here since she does have seizures.  The other option is to treat things so I am better but then I risk the baby.

I am so at odds here really. I mean I have my daughter and myself to think about but how do you say that one life is more important than the other.  It is a very confusing situation really.  Then they say oh but it could be nothing too.  Although let us run all these other tests because we really have no idea.

It is very scary to be honest.  I want us all to be healthy but I have no idea what is going on and I am very concerned with the situation.  I have no idea how to handle this really. I am not prepared to have to make any major choices.  This pregnancy has been crazy enough with out adding more stress.  I really am so at odds with this whole thing.

I am just going day by day.  Trying to stay positive about the outcome.  I am sure things will be ok .  It is just hard not knowing what is happening, all the while being in pain all the time.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Another Day of Testing

So as we have been discussing pregnancy in honest detail today took a crazy turn.  They still do not have answers for me about the extra stuff that is going on.  I feel awful all the time. This is not all sparkles and rainbows at all.  The testing sucks a whole lot.  Blood draws and urine tests then they were pushing on my ovaries which are what started the testing that found the baby.  I wanted to crawl off the exam table.

Then I have to make amends with the fact that this pregnancy might not last any way due to other factors and health reasons.  That was weird to hear really.  I am older and things get more complicated and then there is the fact of health and everything that I am already prone to issues with.

I have only known for about a week now so it really hasn't affected me either way to be completely honest.  The dad has said he will be supportive no matter what happens.  He is by my side figuratively speaking as much as I need him.  He has been great for an ear everyday so that has been nice.  My daughter's father made me as miserable as possible during my whole pregnancy.  Having some one to just listen to  my frustration is more helpful than you can imagine.

For some this all might be too honest.  I think it is only fair that we can really discuss the reality of the situation.  Not all pregnancies are the same.  Not everyone has the same support system that is super supportive and there every second.  Not everyone has the easiest most pleasant experience either.  I apologize if it is too honest but I think it is fair to everyone to get all the details in an honest fashion.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

And It Just Keeps Coming

I have decided to focus on real talk about this pregnancy.  People are always talking about how great it is to be pregnant.  Well some times it is not and I think we should be able to talk about those things too.

So as much trouble as I am already having with this whole pregnancy thing, now I found out that all the medical stuff that was tested when this was discovered was messed up.  They contradicted each other and now I have no idea what else is wrong with me.

I have come to understand that   I may not even stay pregnant.  I may have to give up the idea due to, too many other complications going on.  I have to make choices based on the facts and since I already have a child here that I need to take care of.  She has medical things that require extra attention.

I have so many emotions right now.  Confusion is the biggest.  I am not really attached but I feel guilty about choices being made.  I worry about my daughter but she seems to not be fully interested either so I probably don't have to worry about her but I do.  I have talked to the father  and he says he will still be there emotionally for me no matter what happens.  That is helpful at least, even if that is all he can offer right now I will take.

My body is having so many problems it is unreal.  I am not quite 4 months but I already feel like I am due now.  I am miserable and if I go to term I will be in so much pain it will be unreal.