Just wanted to come in and say hi, and I hope you are doing well today. As we continue to stay in lockdown to kick this virus, I feel it is important that we have a place to chat. I want to be encouraging in this time. We are going to make it.
We have been through situations before and as whole world we have made it. Yes there are people dying I know that, and I am not trying to lesson the tragedy in any way. I just want us to remember that we have been through rough times as a unit and we will do it again.
The world is one place and while countries may be divided on many things, the one thing we can agree on is we have come through tough times together over and over and we can do it again. I do not care where you are from, I want to be encouraging to you.
If you need someone to talk to, please reach out. Comment on this post, on Facebook reach out on my page Your Happiness Ahead, send a message on messenger or post a comment. Please do not sti alone and be sad. I will talk it out with you.
We are all in this together. I do not want anyone to be sitting at home depressed feeling like no one is there. You are important and I am here. We will beat lockdown together.
About Me
- The Natorette
- Lansing, Michigan, United States
- I am a Mother, a mentor, a business owner, an employee. I am a person I have a busy life and would like to help others deal with their busy lives.
Showing posts with label frustration. Show all posts
Showing posts with label frustration. Show all posts
Sunday, April 19, 2020
Friday, April 17, 2020
We Are All Struggling
I know there are many opinions out there about what is happening. The truth is we are all being affected by this. It isn't just a few people it is the whole world. Rich and poor it doesn't matter it is hitting us all so we need to act accordingly.
I have had to stay off of Facebook other than my business pages because I couldn't take the drama anymore. I started becoming a very angry person. Over the years I have learned that some times it is better to just not say what I think. For two days I was not able to contain my mouth. I was constantly snapping and feeling the need to react to what people were saying. It was eat5ing me up inside.
The negativity was eating at me. I now have physical pain from just how angry I was getting. People were basically bashing people for things out of their control, no empathy could be found and people that are not even in this area were commenting on what was and was not true even though I was part of it and knew what I had seen, they still called me a liar and said I had not idea what I was talking about. I snapped for sure.
That is not who I want to be. I want to have peace and positive things in my life. I do not want the negativity to creep back into my life. I have been slowly working to make my life and future more positive.
My point here is we are all 
going through stuff right now but we can choose how we feel and how we behave. We can not control how others behave but we can control how we react. If the situation is not taking you in the direction you are seeking then change the situation. Do not engage in things that do not bring you joy.
Stay happy and healthy and we can do this lockdown together
Saturday, December 30, 2017
Another Year Ending
So here we are , another year over. I am having mixed feeling really. I am truly over this year. It honestly was one of the crappiest years. I lost my Mom, My daughter's health got worse and so did mine, my mental health has been shaken, and I got terminated from my job.
See why I am very unimpressed with this year? The hard part is it means the last year my Princess is a child. My little girl will turn 18 and then start her Senior year of high school. That makes me sad and also ramps up my anxiety because that means new problems and I am totally unprepared to be the Mom of an adult who I still have to make all the decisions for because her health prevents her from being capable of doing it. She is smart, and works hard. She aspires to become a school teacher. The problem is her seizures make life hard. The truth is my adult child will still have days where she will be more like a 5 year old than an 18 year old.
Totally not her fault and I accept that as her Mom this is absolutely my responsibility. I have just spent 17.5 years making the decisions because she is a child. What happens when I try to help and she says no because she really doesn't know what is happening right then or if I am unable to become her guardian so they will only talk to her and she gets too frustrated to make the right decisions? Being a person with severe anxiety dealing with this has been an extremely difficult task. I am soooo not ready.
As with the years past it does not matter how prepared or unprepared we are it will come. It will bring with it whatever it wants and life will continue. I think of the worst and pray for the best. There will be no stopping it and all we can do is try to make each day count the best we can.
So as you close out these final days, just enjoy them because life is going to happen. It will be messy sometimes and other times it will be great. So my wish for all of you is that, May you have more great days than messy ones.
Thank you for visiting, until next time.
See why I am very unimpressed with this year? The hard part is it means the last year my Princess is a child. My little girl will turn 18 and then start her Senior year of high school. That makes me sad and also ramps up my anxiety because that means new problems and I am totally unprepared to be the Mom of an adult who I still have to make all the decisions for because her health prevents her from being capable of doing it. She is smart, and works hard. She aspires to become a school teacher. The problem is her seizures make life hard. The truth is my adult child will still have days where she will be more like a 5 year old than an 18 year old.
Totally not her fault and I accept that as her Mom this is absolutely my responsibility. I have just spent 17.5 years making the decisions because she is a child. What happens when I try to help and she says no because she really doesn't know what is happening right then or if I am unable to become her guardian so they will only talk to her and she gets too frustrated to make the right decisions? Being a person with severe anxiety dealing with this has been an extremely difficult task. I am soooo not ready.
As with the years past it does not matter how prepared or unprepared we are it will come. It will bring with it whatever it wants and life will continue. I think of the worst and pray for the best. There will be no stopping it and all we can do is try to make each day count the best we can.
So as you close out these final days, just enjoy them because life is going to happen. It will be messy sometimes and other times it will be great. So my wish for all of you is that, May you have more great days than messy ones.
Thank you for visiting, until next time.
Saturday, October 14, 2017
How the Year began
So in previous posts I said I would explain a lot of other things, so here is the start of that. This post will be hard so I will tell you how this year started and then I will highlight other events in another post so I can get through this one without losing it completely.
This year started out with my Dad letting me know my Mom had not been feeling well so she decided to go to the hospital. That was nothing new as my Mom had been in the hospital many times before because she had pneumonia a lot and some times it got bad and she had COPD so she needed help sometime. I asked him did I need to come and was assured that it was just a normal trip and things would be ok. This went on for a few weeks and my Dad got the same answer from Dr.s and relayed it to me saying there was nothing serious happening the infections was just pretty bad and she had developed a UTI so it would just be a little longer .
At this point you are probably thinking why would I not have gone and visited my mom in the hospital after he being there for a few weeks. Well as you may remember my daughter has seizures. Things have been out of control and the hospital was over an hour drive and I also had to work to support me and my daughter. I felt bad but my Dad reassured me that my Mom was ok and a couple times I even chatted with her on the phone so that made me feel a little more comfortable in the situation.
One day I get a call from my Dad and he is crying so I panic. Finally he tells me he got a call and we have to make a decision. I am freaking out because who wants to do that. So I go get my cousin from work down the road I smoke a million cigarettes (I know not the best idea) while we get my aunt and daughter. My cousin goes back to work while me, my daughter , and aunt drive two hours to my Dad who is at his house in shock. More family comes as we talk about what to do. We decide that me and my Dad and daughter will go in the morning to talk to the Dr and get more information.
That was a complete disaster. We get told different stories and that we should not have received that call. Things were not good but they didn't think we were to that point yet. My Mom was responding to us being there and even gave my Dad a kiss. We were Pissed to say the least that they put us through that. Family from out of state was on their way because we thought my Mom was about to die. We visited with her and everyone and after a few days were assured that they were not convinced she was going to die soon. We all go home and for two weeks my Dad tells us how things are getting better she is still responding to him and the Dr's are hopeful. Things feel good.
Then it is February and my Mom's birthday is here and we are excited because she made it another year and things seemed good. My Dad went to visit her and spent most of the day with her and said she was tired but doing good for her situation. It was getting late so he told her that he was going back to the hotel room and would be back in the morning. I had talked to him and her and we planned for us to come visit later because we wanted him to have the weekend with her. It was about 11:00 pm on February 16, 2017 and I had just crawled into bed. My phone lit up and it was my Dad, as I answered I grabbed my daughter and started getting out of bed and putting my shoes on. What happened next has shattered our whole world.
They had called my Dad and said she didn't have much time. Before I even hung up we were almost in the car and time was not real. I had to get gas and bought more smoke (again I know, bad idea). My daughter got a hold of people as I drove for what seemed like forever and got pulled over twice for a broken taillight. We arrived and the strongest woman I know, the woman who taught me to be strong and be a mom was so weak. She barely responded but tried to hang on. We prayed, we brought in a priest for final rights, we told her to hold on, we cried.
On February 17, 2017 at 2:30 AM we had to make the hardest decision we have ever made. After 69 years on Earth, 38 years of marriage, 38 years of being my Mom, I was the reason they got married :),being my daughters Grandma for 16 years, we had to say goodbye. It was the worst day of my life. Her body had shut down, while her brain was working. It was so unreal. This year has been so hard. My Mom was the person I would call when I needed advice. She would tell me straight, she would never tell me what I wanted to hear, but rather what I needed to hear, good or bad. It was the end of the world that we knew and the next week following her death was beyond stressful.
This has been long but I promised. So that is how my year started and it is still not getting much better but that is for another post. I need to get myself back together. Thank you for reading. Unitl next time.
This year started out with my Dad letting me know my Mom had not been feeling well so she decided to go to the hospital. That was nothing new as my Mom had been in the hospital many times before because she had pneumonia a lot and some times it got bad and she had COPD so she needed help sometime. I asked him did I need to come and was assured that it was just a normal trip and things would be ok. This went on for a few weeks and my Dad got the same answer from Dr.s and relayed it to me saying there was nothing serious happening the infections was just pretty bad and she had developed a UTI so it would just be a little longer .At this point you are probably thinking why would I not have gone and visited my mom in the hospital after he being there for a few weeks. Well as you may remember my daughter has seizures. Things have been out of control and the hospital was over an hour drive and I also had to work to support me and my daughter. I felt bad but my Dad reassured me that my Mom was ok and a couple times I even chatted with her on the phone so that made me feel a little more comfortable in the situation.
One day I get a call from my Dad and he is crying so I panic. Finally he tells me he got a call and we have to make a decision. I am freaking out because who wants to do that. So I go get my cousin from work down the road I smoke a million cigarettes (I know not the best idea) while we get my aunt and daughter. My cousin goes back to work while me, my daughter , and aunt drive two hours to my Dad who is at his house in shock. More family comes as we talk about what to do. We decide that me and my Dad and daughter will go in the morning to talk to the Dr and get more information.
Then it is February and my Mom's birthday is here and we are excited because she made it another year and things seemed good. My Dad went to visit her and spent most of the day with her and said she was tired but doing good for her situation. It was getting late so he told her that he was going back to the hotel room and would be back in the morning. I had talked to him and her and we planned for us to come visit later because we wanted him to have the weekend with her. It was about 11:00 pm on February 16, 2017 and I had just crawled into bed. My phone lit up and it was my Dad, as I answered I grabbed my daughter and started getting out of bed and putting my shoes on. What happened next has shattered our whole world.
They had called my Dad and said she didn't have much time. Before I even hung up we were almost in the car and time was not real. I had to get gas and bought more smoke (again I know, bad idea). My daughter got a hold of people as I drove for what seemed like forever and got pulled over twice for a broken taillight. We arrived and the strongest woman I know, the woman who taught me to be strong and be a mom was so weak. She barely responded but tried to hang on. We prayed, we brought in a priest for final rights, we told her to hold on, we cried.
On February 17, 2017 at 2:30 AM we had to make the hardest decision we have ever made. After 69 years on Earth, 38 years of marriage, 38 years of being my Mom, I was the reason they got married :),being my daughters Grandma for 16 years, we had to say goodbye. It was the worst day of my life. Her body had shut down, while her brain was working. It was so unreal. This year has been so hard. My Mom was the person I would call when I needed advice. She would tell me straight, she would never tell me what I wanted to hear, but rather what I needed to hear, good or bad. It was the end of the world that we knew and the next week following her death was beyond stressful.
This has been long but I promised. So that is how my year started and it is still not getting much better but that is for another post. I need to get myself back together. Thank you for reading. Unitl next time.
Sunday, July 24, 2016
How I Got Rid Of My Kidney Stone (read till the end)
So as most of you know I have had a couple of kidney stones. If you know anything about them they are painful and not easy to pass once they are of larger size. My first one was 9 mm and required two different surgeries before it finally came out. After that I thought I was good to go and would just need regular heck ups to make sure I was ok.
This was not the case. I ended up with a 6 mm stone at the beginning of this year. I knew before I even went to the hospital what it was. The pain was horrible. If you have ever given birth then take labor pains and times it by a minimum of ten. After going to the hospital I was given pain meds and told to go to my specialist. By the time I saw him the pain was better so we decided to wait. Then a week later I went back. Not in pain I made the choice to wait. My Dr. told me if I waited much longer I risked damage so surgery was looking like my only option. I was told I would need another CT scan to see what was happening then we could decide from there.
Well for a couple of reasons I won't waste time explaining I didn't get the CT for another month. In that time I decided to do some research on naturals ways to get rid of kidney stones. I read multiple articles and learned of the same basic ingredients people had used with success. Mind you there were a lot of opinions on how to get rid of them and how much of certain things you should eat or drink. Some people swore by methods that were illegal as well. I was not going that route. I decided to use the ingredients that came up the most but do it my way.
For two weeks before the scan I used my remedy in hopes that it would at least shrink the stone enough they would let me wait to pass it. After the scan it was almost a month before I saw the Dr. I went in that day expecting to hear the words surgery. I am not scared of surgery by any means but as a single parent it is hard to find a ride and set up a person to be with my princess in case of a seizure.
The Dr. came in ad to my surprise said I was fine. I didn't need to come back for a whole year. The stone was gone. As the nurse was leaving she asked if I had passed it because she had never heard of some one passing a stone that big on their own. I told her I was just as surprised and told her what I had done. She was very impressed
So here is what you need to get started. Lemons, pure honey, coconut oil, and organic apple cider vinegar. I know seems to easy but it really is. During the day you will make what I call a tea basically. Get a coffee or tea mug and squeeze a half of lemon into the cup. Then put in honey I just put in what looked about a teaspoon. Then add a tablespoon of coconut oil. Then fill with hot water. I used my Kurig. I filled the cup about half full of water put it in the Kurig then did the ingredients and then pushed start. Drink the whole thing. Later in the evening you need a large water bottle. You put a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar in it and fill the rest of the way with water. It taste bad really I will not lie, but it works. Do this for 2 weeks. After that you can do it a couple times a week just to stay flushed out.
Why it works. Here is what I learned. The lemon and apple cider vinegar dissolve the stone over time. The honey act as an antibacterial to keep your tube clean and repair quicker. Stones have sharp edges that shred the tube as it passes. This is where the oil helps it lubricates the tube to help the stone slide easier. So there you have it. I know this was long but hopefully it can help some one else.
This was not the case. I ended up with a 6 mm stone at the beginning of this year. I knew before I even went to the hospital what it was. The pain was horrible. If you have ever given birth then take labor pains and times it by a minimum of ten. After going to the hospital I was given pain meds and told to go to my specialist. By the time I saw him the pain was better so we decided to wait. Then a week later I went back. Not in pain I made the choice to wait. My Dr. told me if I waited much longer I risked damage so surgery was looking like my only option. I was told I would need another CT scan to see what was happening then we could decide from there.
Well for a couple of reasons I won't waste time explaining I didn't get the CT for another month. In that time I decided to do some research on naturals ways to get rid of kidney stones. I read multiple articles and learned of the same basic ingredients people had used with success. Mind you there were a lot of opinions on how to get rid of them and how much of certain things you should eat or drink. Some people swore by methods that were illegal as well. I was not going that route. I decided to use the ingredients that came up the most but do it my way.
For two weeks before the scan I used my remedy in hopes that it would at least shrink the stone enough they would let me wait to pass it. After the scan it was almost a month before I saw the Dr. I went in that day expecting to hear the words surgery. I am not scared of surgery by any means but as a single parent it is hard to find a ride and set up a person to be with my princess in case of a seizure.
The Dr. came in ad to my surprise said I was fine. I didn't need to come back for a whole year. The stone was gone. As the nurse was leaving she asked if I had passed it because she had never heard of some one passing a stone that big on their own. I told her I was just as surprised and told her what I had done. She was very impressed
So here is what you need to get started. Lemons, pure honey, coconut oil, and organic apple cider vinegar. I know seems to easy but it really is. During the day you will make what I call a tea basically. Get a coffee or tea mug and squeeze a half of lemon into the cup. Then put in honey I just put in what looked about a teaspoon. Then add a tablespoon of coconut oil. Then fill with hot water. I used my Kurig. I filled the cup about half full of water put it in the Kurig then did the ingredients and then pushed start. Drink the whole thing. Later in the evening you need a large water bottle. You put a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar in it and fill the rest of the way with water. It taste bad really I will not lie, but it works. Do this for 2 weeks. After that you can do it a couple times a week just to stay flushed out.
Friday, May 13, 2016
Getting to Savings
So I hope you are doing well with your savings and paying down your debt. Even after not having a regular 9-5 job I am still making sure to work on my bills and putting a little away. It is not as much as I used to do to the circumstances but I have not given up.
I have stayed dedicated to using my surveys and other income earning opportunities. I just finished buying more medical stuff for my daughter using the points I had and I am on my way to getting her the birthday gifts for her sweet 16. I am so excited to realize I have more in the bank now than when I worked a regular job every day. I knew as a kid I was meant for something different but as I have grown and had a child I felt like I needed to fit into the mainstream world. After the recent events it just confirmed that I am not meant for a typical job.
As I am looking for my great idea, I continue to use the extra income so it does not get eaten up in a month. Been there done that and it is not fun. So I have given you a few of my favorites so far and now her come a couple more. These take a little longer to add up but it does add up and you can use them simultaneously so between the 2 of them you can cash out $60. It may not seem like a lot but when added to the other earnings it can make a difference. I just used one to buy my daughters expensive vitamins.
You open emails, watch videos, and can take surveys. The first one is Inbox Dollars (http://www.inboxdollars.com/?r=ref17133614&s=7). The next one is Send Earnings (http://www.sendearnings.com/?r=ref4476777&s=7). Each email is $.02, videos depend on the video, and surveys vary as well. It will not make you rich but again it adds up. Each cash out is $30 so again the two together mean an extra $60. Who couldn't use an extra $60.
Ok time to go make some money. No excuses. My daughter was in the ER and I knew it would be awhile so I took my laptop and while she watched TV or was getting a test done and the Dr's were not there, I worked on making money. Remember Instagc that I told you about in the previous post's? Yeah I have made over $100 this year just using that. It doesn't include the other sites at all.
We are on this journey together and we will make it. Share your stories, ask questions we are here for eachother.
I have stayed dedicated to using my surveys and other income earning opportunities. I just finished buying more medical stuff for my daughter using the points I had and I am on my way to getting her the birthday gifts for her sweet 16. I am so excited to realize I have more in the bank now than when I worked a regular job every day. I knew as a kid I was meant for something different but as I have grown and had a child I felt like I needed to fit into the mainstream world. After the recent events it just confirmed that I am not meant for a typical job.
As I am looking for my great idea, I continue to use the extra income so it does not get eaten up in a month. Been there done that and it is not fun. So I have given you a few of my favorites so far and now her come a couple more. These take a little longer to add up but it does add up and you can use them simultaneously so between the 2 of them you can cash out $60. It may not seem like a lot but when added to the other earnings it can make a difference. I just used one to buy my daughters expensive vitamins.
You open emails, watch videos, and can take surveys. The first one is Inbox Dollars (http://www.inboxdollars.com/?r=ref17133614&s=7). The next one is Send Earnings (http://www.sendearnings.com/?r=ref4476777&s=7). Each email is $.02, videos depend on the video, and surveys vary as well. It will not make you rich but again it adds up. Each cash out is $30 so again the two together mean an extra $60. Who couldn't use an extra $60.
Ok time to go make some money. No excuses. My daughter was in the ER and I knew it would be awhile so I took my laptop and while she watched TV or was getting a test done and the Dr's were not there, I worked on making money. Remember Instagc that I told you about in the previous post's? Yeah I have made over $100 this year just using that. It doesn't include the other sites at all.
We are on this journey together and we will make it. Share your stories, ask questions we are here for eachother.
Sunday, January 31, 2016
Feeling Frustrated
So I am working on a lot of new things this year and honestly it is getting overwhelming. I have tried being positive more each day, but the reality is that some days are hard. Nothing seems to be going right and no matter how hard you try you just can not turn things around. I just had so many plans for this year and it isn't going as easy or as well as I planned.
As a matter of fact everything seems to be heading the opposite way of how I thought it would go. The more I try the farther backwards I seem to go. I have been home and separated for four years. It is time for things to start turning around. I was headed on a good path and then it is like something snapped and now I am spiraling backwards again.
It is rough to really want to get out of your situation but you seem to just keep repeating the same day over and over. Some times I feel like I am in the living in the movie Ground Hog Day. I wake up and do the same thing every day. If I had a stalker it wouldn't be hard for them to track me down since my schedule is always the same.
Most people fear change. They want to stay in their comfort zone and never have to do anything different but I am ready for change. I want a lot of change. I would be happy with just about everything changing. I want things to improve. I have so much that is just making me feel down that if even one thing would start turning around then it would give hope to keep pushing.
I really intend to keep working to be positive and be happy with what I do have because I know things can be a lot worse. I just do not want things to get that bad because I can not turn things around or think in a more positive manner.
As a matter of fact everything seems to be heading the opposite way of how I thought it would go. The more I try the farther backwards I seem to go. I have been home and separated for four years. It is time for things to start turning around. I was headed on a good path and then it is like something snapped and now I am spiraling backwards again.
It is rough to really want to get out of your situation but you seem to just keep repeating the same day over and over. Some times I feel like I am in the living in the movie Ground Hog Day. I wake up and do the same thing every day. If I had a stalker it wouldn't be hard for them to track me down since my schedule is always the same.
Most people fear change. They want to stay in their comfort zone and never have to do anything different but I am ready for change. I want a lot of change. I would be happy with just about everything changing. I want things to improve. I have so much that is just making me feel down that if even one thing would start turning around then it would give hope to keep pushing.
I really intend to keep working to be positive and be happy with what I do have because I know things can be a lot worse. I just do not want things to get that bad because I can not turn things around or think in a more positive manner.
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Slightly Rough Day
So as some of you know my daughter suffers from neurological issues. Most days are ok with a little confusion over small things. She does her best to go to school as much as possible and tries to be positive as much as she can. She is always worried about her friends and would do anything to help anyone. She is my special princess.
Today was not a usual day. She missed almost the whole school day and finals are in two weeks so that is tough. She basically had short term memory loss for the whole day. It was 9 pm and she still thought it was dinner time. It is a little scary right now but I am still working to stay positive. I know God is with us during this time, I just wish that made me feel better about going to sleep. Tomorrow could be a completely normal day or this could be the beginning of a tough week,
I think it would be easier to handle if I had more answers. They can't tell me why she has seizures and migraines all the time. They can't tell me if she will grow out of it or if we even have the right meds yet. That is the hardest part for me. I want to know what is going on and how I can help but I don't and I can't.
I want to help my princess but there is nothing I can do to make it better. I just have to sit back and watch as she suffers and I can't do anything for her. She depends on me to keep her safe and I can't against this particular situation.
Today was not a usual day. She missed almost the whole school day and finals are in two weeks so that is tough. She basically had short term memory loss for the whole day. It was 9 pm and she still thought it was dinner time. It is a little scary right now but I am still working to stay positive. I know God is with us during this time, I just wish that made me feel better about going to sleep. Tomorrow could be a completely normal day or this could be the beginning of a tough week,
I think it would be easier to handle if I had more answers. They can't tell me why she has seizures and migraines all the time. They can't tell me if she will grow out of it or if we even have the right meds yet. That is the hardest part for me. I want to know what is going on and how I can help but I don't and I can't.
I want to help my princess but there is nothing I can do to make it better. I just have to sit back and watch as she suffers and I can't do anything for her. She depends on me to keep her safe and I can't against this particular situation.
Saturday, November 14, 2015
Need a Nap
I am soooo exhausted lately. I have no energy and I just want to sleep all the time. I know I should go work out or something so I would have more energy but I just want to sleep. It is horrible because no mater how much or little I sleep I have no energy.
I have asked the doctors and they have no answer. Now that I am not pregnant that is not a reason but they can not give me a better one. I just want to be able to make my to do list and then actually be able to do it. I have basically sat on my couch all day today wishing it was bed time.
Hopefully tomorrow I will have the energy to be able to get some stuff done. I have a ton of stuff that I need to get done at my house and my other house too. My daughter will be at her dad's house so there will be no distraction as far as making sure she doesn't have a seizure and that sort of thing I can just get to work and do my stuff so hopefully I can make it.
I have been avoiding going to my dr. because he doesn't know I am not pregnant anymore and I really do not want to have to talk about it, but I really need to get some answers. I do not want to be the person who is trapped in their home because they can no longer function properly or because I have to be on so many medications that I feel like a zombie any way.
Here is to having a good day tomorrow. I am going to think positive and just plan on a good day so hopefully I will pump myself up a little and make it happen.
Hopefully tomorrow I will have the energy to be able to get some stuff done. I have a ton of stuff that I need to get done at my house and my other house too. My daughter will be at her dad's house so there will be no distraction as far as making sure she doesn't have a seizure and that sort of thing I can just get to work and do my stuff so hopefully I can make it.
I have been avoiding going to my dr. because he doesn't know I am not pregnant anymore and I really do not want to have to talk about it, but I really need to get some answers. I do not want to be the person who is trapped in their home because they can no longer function properly or because I have to be on so many medications that I feel like a zombie any way.
Here is to having a good day tomorrow. I am going to think positive and just plan on a good day so hopefully I will pump myself up a little and make it happen.
Sunday, November 8, 2015
Holding On By a Thread
Lately it has been one mess after another it seems like. This has been an extremely challenging year. There was my daughter and all the sinecures she was having. Her health was beginning to decline and I was scared that she may not make it through the year. It was an extremely hard point in life.
Then there was the baby. It is still haunting me almost every day. I always think about it and how things would be different if I was still pregnant. I know things happen for a reason but it doesn't make the situation hurt any less. My uncle that past away in June would have had his birthday yesterday. We decided to have a small family dinner in his honor. My cousin had his new baby there and I couldn't even look at it or go int the same room. It was horrible.
People who I thought were my friends have basically cut me off and no longer really even acknowledge me because they feel I don't have time for them and such. I guess that isn't too bad considering they have not taken me and my daughter into consideration and feel like we should worry about them more even though my life has been a mess.
The topper is now I am on the verge of losing my job. I do not make enough really as it is and now I might lose the only income I really have. I already owe like everyone a ton of money so losing my job is not really feasible. I have no control over it though at this point which makes it tough. They will either keep me or they won't.
So This year has not been one of my favorites. It has been one of the most trying, yet here I am still. I have no idea why I am here or what my purpose is but I am here. I will still take each day as it comes but what my reason is right now I do not know
Then there was the baby. It is still haunting me almost every day. I always think about it and how things would be different if I was still pregnant. I know things happen for a reason but it doesn't make the situation hurt any less. My uncle that past away in June would have had his birthday yesterday. We decided to have a small family dinner in his honor. My cousin had his new baby there and I couldn't even look at it or go int the same room. It was horrible.
People who I thought were my friends have basically cut me off and no longer really even acknowledge me because they feel I don't have time for them and such. I guess that isn't too bad considering they have not taken me and my daughter into consideration and feel like we should worry about them more even though my life has been a mess.
The topper is now I am on the verge of losing my job. I do not make enough really as it is and now I might lose the only income I really have. I already owe like everyone a ton of money so losing my job is not really feasible. I have no control over it though at this point which makes it tough. They will either keep me or they won't.
So This year has not been one of my favorites. It has been one of the most trying, yet here I am still. I have no idea why I am here or what my purpose is but I am here. I will still take each day as it comes but what my reason is right now I do not know
Sunday, November 1, 2015
Getting on With Your Life After Loss
So it has been more than a month since my loss. I have good days and bad days. Some things are a little more emotional than others. My cousin had a baby the other day and day and my friend is about to have one any day now. Don't get me wrong I am very happy for both of them. I wish them nothing but the best. It doesn't make it any less hurtful in my situation.
There are thing every where that are reminders. Even reading the ads is hard when they are having the baby sales. Seeing everyone out with there babies and knowing that won't happen for me is hard. Sometimes I think about what it would have been like had I still been pregnant. I know how much time was left and I think about how big I would be and what I would be feeling right now.
It is hard. I remind myself of all the reasons that it is ok, like all the pain I was in and the fact that I have a child who already needs so much of my time. Of course my age was a big thing. The big one is God needed another angel for something. Those things sometimes help me remember to not be so lost. Then all it takes is one little thing like some one selling a car seat on line or a coupon for bottles and suddenly I am back to the fact that I don't need those because I am not pregnant.
It has only been a little over a month so it is still fresh. In time I know I will be better. I can't say it will ever go away but it will get better. I will be able to see other people have new babies and not feel loss but rather joy and happiness. One day the pain will be so much less but until then I will have to do my best to move forward.
There are thing every where that are reminders. Even reading the ads is hard when they are having the baby sales. Seeing everyone out with there babies and knowing that won't happen for me is hard. Sometimes I think about what it would have been like had I still been pregnant. I know how much time was left and I think about how big I would be and what I would be feeling right now.
It is hard. I remind myself of all the reasons that it is ok, like all the pain I was in and the fact that I have a child who already needs so much of my time. Of course my age was a big thing. The big one is God needed another angel for something. Those things sometimes help me remember to not be so lost. Then all it takes is one little thing like some one selling a car seat on line or a coupon for bottles and suddenly I am back to the fact that I don't need those because I am not pregnant.
It has only been a little over a month so it is still fresh. In time I know I will be better. I can't say it will ever go away but it will get better. I will be able to see other people have new babies and not feel loss but rather joy and happiness. One day the pain will be so much less but until then I will have to do my best to move forward.
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
When Does High School Drama Stop!
When we leave high school we think that all of that drama will be behind us. We are having to leave all the childish things behind and start new. It is a time that we can be happy that we have made it through those crazy years. Or is it?
I just had an experience yesterday that made me feel like I was in high school all over again. I had a friend send me a message claiming that his ex had just called him telling him that I had told people he was my now gone babies father. Her and I no longer speak and they are separated and he lives in a totally different state. She is the one who wanted him to leave so please tell me why she is causing drama? She has so little meaning in my life that she is not even aware yet that I am no longer pregnant. She claims it was some one who has been a friend for 15 years. Not sure if she meant mine or hers but the only people that we have both known that long are people that I no longer even talk to.
My thing is if she wanted him gone and has possibly even moved on then why is she constantly calling him trying to start fights? Why is she using me to try to start these fights and make my life harder? I almost had a complete break down because when he asked me about it, it brought back those feelings of losing my child all over again.
She clearly is out to hurt people. It is a totally childish thing to do. Especially for a person who is almost 30. Like do we not have grown up things to do, like maybe be a parent and mind your own business. If you don't want to friends any more fine I am a big girl I have my own life. If you don't want to be married that is your business but don't try making others miserable just because you are apparently not happy about some thing. We Are Not In High School!!!!!
Monday, September 28, 2015
New Decisions
So after a long weekend and a lot of emotions I am trying to make a change. I have decided I need to make some serious changes to my life. I have had so many emotional things happen and I have been let down by so many. I realized this weekend that I have given so much of myself to make others happy without worrying about the consequences it would have on me. I have put them above my own mental and physical health. It is time to stop this cycle.
It is ok to help people and consider how your actions will affect others, but at the end of the day you have to make sure you and your family are taken care of. If you let yourself bottle everything up then eventually you will finally break. This is what happened to me over the weekend. I realized how many people have used me for their benefit and then when I was no longer needed they dropped me. I was to trusting that they cared as much as I did but I was wrong.
The problem is my heart is too open. I am not saying be closed off completely but you really have to know the people you let in your circle. Make sure the people you invest your time in are investing their time back into you. Even a little bit. They may never be able to give as much as you for whatever reason, but make sure they are giving back and not just taking. If you are the only one giving in a relationship then it might be time to re-evaluate things between you.
I want everyone to live an emotionally healthy life. Please just keep an eye on who you are letting in your life. Make sure they are making you as happy as you make them. Life is give and take. Please take the time to love and live to the fullest.
It is ok to help people and consider how your actions will affect others, but at the end of the day you have to make sure you and your family are taken care of. If you let yourself bottle everything up then eventually you will finally break. This is what happened to me over the weekend. I realized how many people have used me for their benefit and then when I was no longer needed they dropped me. I was to trusting that they cared as much as I did but I was wrong.
The problem is my heart is too open. I am not saying be closed off completely but you really have to know the people you let in your circle. Make sure the people you invest your time in are investing their time back into you. Even a little bit. They may never be able to give as much as you for whatever reason, but make sure they are giving back and not just taking. If you are the only one giving in a relationship then it might be time to re-evaluate things between you.
I want everyone to live an emotionally healthy life. Please just keep an eye on who you are letting in your life. Make sure they are making you as happy as you make them. Life is give and take. Please take the time to love and live to the fullest.
Sunday, September 27, 2015
Moving Forwrd
So I have been writing about my pregnancy lately. It was crazy to find out in the first place and then to find out it is in jeopardy. I have had to sit and think about my options as it pertains to every one. I have severe health issues and do I want to go all the rest of the months for nothing. I can barely take care of my daughter that already has health issues and there are many months to go.
I have an appointment on Tuesday and I am going to discuss ending the pregnancy. I know that this is a very controversial issue and many people will be offended by my decision. I must say I never thought I would ever even think about doing it, but here I am faced with a million uncertainties and a child that is 15 and quite often still needs my help to shower. I know that I may lose readers and people might even leave nasty comments.
I understand where those people are coming from I really do. I know what I am saying and I know what it means if I go through with it. It is going to be very painful and emotional and I will have to live with the decision for the rest of my life. Let me just say that it has not been easy to think about. I have had to think about all the pros and cons for the last month now. It is really hard to even think about. The alternative is just as hard. I may have to watch my child suffer because I can,t help her or know that I am going to go full term for nothing or have another child that needs full attention.
How do I say one child needs me more than the other. How do I decide which one is more important than the other? Do I leave one suffering while I help the other in distress? What if they are both in distress at the same time? There are so many factors to consider. There is also my health to consider. If I am too sick to do anything then who takes care of them? If I go full term and my health gets so bad do I recover? What about my daughter who is here how can I be 100% for her?
I understand people will be mad. Though as I have pointed out it is not always about just ending things. There are many reasons why I am leaning toward this decision. It isn't always about finances or just using it for birth control. Some women have real reasons they may have to make this choice. I am sure people are going to have an opinion but at the end of the day it is about what is best for everyone.
I have an appointment on Tuesday and I am going to discuss ending the pregnancy. I know that this is a very controversial issue and many people will be offended by my decision. I must say I never thought I would ever even think about doing it, but here I am faced with a million uncertainties and a child that is 15 and quite often still needs my help to shower. I know that I may lose readers and people might even leave nasty comments.
I understand where those people are coming from I really do. I know what I am saying and I know what it means if I go through with it. It is going to be very painful and emotional and I will have to live with the decision for the rest of my life. Let me just say that it has not been easy to think about. I have had to think about all the pros and cons for the last month now. It is really hard to even think about. The alternative is just as hard. I may have to watch my child suffer because I can,t help her or know that I am going to go full term for nothing or have another child that needs full attention.
How do I say one child needs me more than the other. How do I decide which one is more important than the other? Do I leave one suffering while I help the other in distress? What if they are both in distress at the same time? There are so many factors to consider. There is also my health to consider. If I am too sick to do anything then who takes care of them? If I go full term and my health gets so bad do I recover? What about my daughter who is here how can I be 100% for her?
I understand people will be mad. Though as I have pointed out it is not always about just ending things. There are many reasons why I am leaning toward this decision. It isn't always about finances or just using it for birth control. Some women have real reasons they may have to make this choice. I am sure people are going to have an opinion but at the end of the day it is about what is best for everyone.
Friday, September 4, 2015
Not Feeling The Love
My body is out to get me at this point. Everything is hurting and a lot of problems are popping up. Sadly some of them are untreatable while pregnant so if it is positive I have them then I am really not sure what is going to happen. My body will shut down slowly as the baby drains every bit of energy I have left from fighting so hard. This is very dangerous for me, not to mention my daughter here since she does have seizures. The other option is to treat things so I am better but then I risk the baby.
I am so at odds here really. I mean I have my daughter and myself to think about but how do you say that one life is more important than the other. It is a very confusing situation really. Then they say oh but it could be nothing too. Although let us run all these other tests because we really have no idea.
It is very scary to be honest. I want us all to be healthy but I have no idea what is going on and I am very concerned with the situation. I have no idea how to handle this really. I am not prepared to have to make any major choices. This pregnancy has been crazy enough with out adding more stress. I really am so at odds with this whole thing.
I am just going day by day. Trying to stay positive about the outcome. I am sure things will be ok . It is just hard not knowing what is happening, all the while being in pain all the time.
I am so at odds here really. I mean I have my daughter and myself to think about but how do you say that one life is more important than the other. It is a very confusing situation really. Then they say oh but it could be nothing too. Although let us run all these other tests because we really have no idea.
It is very scary to be honest. I want us all to be healthy but I have no idea what is going on and I am very concerned with the situation. I have no idea how to handle this really. I am not prepared to have to make any major choices. This pregnancy has been crazy enough with out adding more stress. I really am so at odds with this whole thing.
I am just going day by day. Trying to stay positive about the outcome. I am sure things will be ok . It is just hard not knowing what is happening, all the while being in pain all the time.
Wednesday, September 2, 2015
Another Day of Testing
So as we have been discussing pregnancy in honest detail today took a crazy turn. They still do not have answers for me about the extra stuff that is going on. I feel awful all the time. This is not all sparkles and rainbows at all. The testing sucks a whole lot. Blood draws and urine tests then they were pushing on my ovaries which are what started the testing that found the baby. I wanted to crawl off the exam table.
Then I have to make amends with the fact that this pregnancy might not last any way due to other factors and health reasons. That was weird to hear really. I am older and things get more complicated and then there is the fact of health and everything that I am already prone to issues with.
I have only known for about a week now so it really hasn't affected me either way to be completely honest. The dad has said he will be supportive no matter what happens. He is by my side figuratively speaking as much as I need him. He has been great for an ear everyday so that has been nice. My daughter's father made me as miserable as possible during my whole pregnancy. Having some one to just listen to my frustration is more helpful than you can imagine.
For some this all might be too honest. I think it is only fair that we can really discuss the reality of the situation. Not all pregnancies are the same. Not everyone has the same support system that is super supportive and there every second. Not everyone has the easiest most pleasant experience either. I apologize if it is too honest but I think it is fair to everyone to get all the details in an honest fashion.
Then I have to make amends with the fact that this pregnancy might not last any way due to other factors and health reasons. That was weird to hear really. I am older and things get more complicated and then there is the fact of health and everything that I am already prone to issues with.
I have only known for about a week now so it really hasn't affected me either way to be completely honest. The dad has said he will be supportive no matter what happens. He is by my side figuratively speaking as much as I need him. He has been great for an ear everyday so that has been nice. My daughter's father made me as miserable as possible during my whole pregnancy. Having some one to just listen to my frustration is more helpful than you can imagine.
For some this all might be too honest. I think it is only fair that we can really discuss the reality of the situation. Not all pregnancies are the same. Not everyone has the same support system that is super supportive and there every second. Not everyone has the easiest most pleasant experience either. I apologize if it is too honest but I think it is fair to everyone to get all the details in an honest fashion.
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
And It Just Keeps Coming
I have decided to focus on real talk about this pregnancy. People are always talking about how great it is to be pregnant. Well some times it is not and I think we should be able to talk about those things too.
So as much trouble as I am already having with this whole pregnancy thing, now I found out that all the medical stuff that was tested when this was discovered was messed up. They contradicted each other and now I have no idea what else is wrong with me.
I have come to understand that I may not even stay pregnant. I may have to give up the idea due to, too many other complications going on. I have to make choices based on the facts and since I already have a child here that I need to take care of. She has medical things that require extra attention.
I have so many emotions right now. Confusion is the biggest. I am not really attached but I feel guilty about choices being made. I worry about my daughter but she seems to not be fully interested either so I probably don't have to worry about her but I do. I have talked to the father and he says he will still be there emotionally for me no matter what happens. That is helpful at least, even if that is all he can offer right now I will take.
My body is having so many problems it is unreal. I am not quite 4 months but I already feel like I am due now. I am miserable and if I go to term I will be in so much pain it will be unreal.
So as much trouble as I am already having with this whole pregnancy thing, now I found out that all the medical stuff that was tested when this was discovered was messed up. They contradicted each other and now I have no idea what else is wrong with me.
I have come to understand that I may not even stay pregnant. I may have to give up the idea due to, too many other complications going on. I have to make choices based on the facts and since I already have a child here that I need to take care of. She has medical things that require extra attention.
I have so many emotions right now. Confusion is the biggest. I am not really attached but I feel guilty about choices being made. I worry about my daughter but she seems to not be fully interested either so I probably don't have to worry about her but I do. I have talked to the father and he says he will still be there emotionally for me no matter what happens. That is helpful at least, even if that is all he can offer right now I will take.
My body is having so many problems it is unreal. I am not quite 4 months but I already feel like I am due now. I am miserable and if I go to term I will be in so much pain it will be unreal.
Monday, August 31, 2015
Feelings Are In
So now that I have officially announced that I am pregnant I am having backwards emotions. I am feeling overwhelmed. I am not feeling the attachment I thought I would. I am more scared than anything. I so worried about what is going to be affected and if I am going to regret this.
I am going to be a single mom again. I worry that my daughter is going to regret the new baby. What if I can't take care of the new one. I am so freaking out to tell the truth. I really have no anything right now. I know this sounds harsh but as parents we should be able to express our real feelings. Not ever pregnancy is rainbows and sprinkles.
They can be very scary and draining. Things can go wrong or like me you may have no clue that this is still possible so it is total shock. Why do we have to pretend that it is all wonderful if that is not how we feel. People keep saying that I will be more into it when it gets closer. Well what if I am not? This is a real concern of mine, What if my older daughter doesn't connect with it.
There are just so many things running in my brain. Doing it alone is much harder than the first time. I thought I would be ok but the truth is I am petrified and that is my reality.
They can be very scary and draining. Things can go wrong or like me you may have no clue that this is still possible so it is total shock. Why do we have to pretend that it is all wonderful if that is not how we feel. People keep saying that I will be more into it when it gets closer. Well what if I am not? This is a real concern of mine, What if my older daughter doesn't connect with it.
There are just so many things running in my brain. Doing it alone is much harder than the first time. I thought I would be ok but the truth is I am petrified and that is my reality.
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
A Few Updates
So today I am just going to talk about updates. A lot has happened over the last year and I talked about some of them. I am going to tell you today how things are going as we have made our way.
I have been divorced for a year now. It is still hard to accept because I trusted him with everything I had which included my child, and he let me down. The hardest part is he continues to let my daughter down but refuses to acknowledge she is hurting. I can not change that. I can only love her as much as I can and try to move forward. He has completely moved and seems to be doing great while I continue to struggle with many things. I pray and keep going and just do my best to help my daughter.
Weight loss is a constant struggle. I have lost 20 pounds but have a lot to go. We have had a rough year health wise so getting to the gym has been a distant thought completely. I have a lot more to go but I am trying to at least be more conscious about how much I eat. I don't really make a big deal about what I eat but how much and when. I am working on eating only when I am hungry and stopping when I am full. Not snacking just to eat.
My daughter still has seizures and other things going on. It has been a tough struggle this year for her health wise and it is really starting to get to her. he is trying to remain positive but I know she is hurting in so many ways. All I can do is be there for her and give her as much love as I can. I continue to pray for her each day.
Things have been tough but My God, me and my daughter are tougher. We will get through this. It may be next year or longer but we will make it and rest assured we will thrive at the end of the day.
I have been divorced for a year now. It is still hard to accept because I trusted him with everything I had which included my child, and he let me down. The hardest part is he continues to let my daughter down but refuses to acknowledge she is hurting. I can not change that. I can only love her as much as I can and try to move forward. He has completely moved and seems to be doing great while I continue to struggle with many things. I pray and keep going and just do my best to help my daughter.
Weight loss is a constant struggle. I have lost 20 pounds but have a lot to go. We have had a rough year health wise so getting to the gym has been a distant thought completely. I have a lot more to go but I am trying to at least be more conscious about how much I eat. I don't really make a big deal about what I eat but how much and when. I am working on eating only when I am hungry and stopping when I am full. Not snacking just to eat.
My daughter still has seizures and other things going on. It has been a tough struggle this year for her health wise and it is really starting to get to her. he is trying to remain positive but I know she is hurting in so many ways. All I can do is be there for her and give her as much love as I can. I continue to pray for her each day.
Things have been tough but My God, me and my daughter are tougher. We will get through this. It may be next year or longer but we will make it and rest assured we will thrive at the end of the day.
Sunday, February 22, 2015
So Yeah
Uh so usually I would come on here with a real purpose and some advice. Today I am just here to chat. I am exhausted. Like in every area of my life I am just tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally, I am for real tired. Like keeping my eyes open is a real chore. Everything is very draining.
Normally most people would say well then chill, relax, take some time to yourself. That in perspective sounds great but what if you are the only adult in the home and everything around you is like massively needing attention? At what point do you just say screw it and take the needed rest. I mean the laundry needs to be done, the house needs cleaning and repairs. My car doesn't work so I am using my parents and now it is not working so now I am borrowing a friends car. This is the real struggle that I am going through.
My daughter has many medical issues and that means she needs extra attention. She needs constant attention through out each day. It is something that I do because I love my child, she is my world. The problem becomes, if I am spending all my time taking care of her then who is taking care of me. I don't mean in the sense of please come pay my bills and do all my house work, which I mean really at some point we have all wished would magically happen but we live in reality, What I am talking about it ok so today I am running behind so lets do a ponytail and no make up and grab McDonald's for breakfast and the gym can wait until tomorrow.
Next thing you know the only time you wear anything "nice" is when you go to work. Sweat pants are your best friend and doing your hair means you brushed it out after the shower. Makeup?!? What is make up? Going out means I made it to the store and got the food my daughter needs for school and stuff.
I am not here for a pitty party that is not what this is. It is just an out loud moment of trying to figure out at what point a person gets so far behind that everything else in the world comes before them self. Why is it, especially women in general, seem to forget that thy are people to and they need the same care and attention that everyone else gets. Like pure normal stuff that humans do everyday.
Ok so that is that. A little food for thought today. I just seem to not really have it together today. I do have a home and friends and just like everything else I will get through this. You will too. So today go put on your fancy jeans and straighten your hair. Then turn on your favorite show and relax. It sounds crazy but why not one day is ok.
Normally most people would say well then chill, relax, take some time to yourself. That in perspective sounds great but what if you are the only adult in the home and everything around you is like massively needing attention? At what point do you just say screw it and take the needed rest. I mean the laundry needs to be done, the house needs cleaning and repairs. My car doesn't work so I am using my parents and now it is not working so now I am borrowing a friends car. This is the real struggle that I am going through.
My daughter has many medical issues and that means she needs extra attention. She needs constant attention through out each day. It is something that I do because I love my child, she is my world. The problem becomes, if I am spending all my time taking care of her then who is taking care of me. I don't mean in the sense of please come pay my bills and do all my house work, which I mean really at some point we have all wished would magically happen but we live in reality, What I am talking about it ok so today I am running behind so lets do a ponytail and no make up and grab McDonald's for breakfast and the gym can wait until tomorrow.
Next thing you know the only time you wear anything "nice" is when you go to work. Sweat pants are your best friend and doing your hair means you brushed it out after the shower. Makeup?!? What is make up? Going out means I made it to the store and got the food my daughter needs for school and stuff.
I am not here for a pitty party that is not what this is. It is just an out loud moment of trying to figure out at what point a person gets so far behind that everything else in the world comes before them self. Why is it, especially women in general, seem to forget that thy are people to and they need the same care and attention that everyone else gets. Like pure normal stuff that humans do everyday.
Ok so that is that. A little food for thought today. I just seem to not really have it together today. I do have a home and friends and just like everything else I will get through this. You will too. So today go put on your fancy jeans and straighten your hair. Then turn on your favorite show and relax. It sounds crazy but why not one day is ok.
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