Graduation Time

So it happened.  My daughter graduated high school on Saturday.  It seems like not so long ago she was starting her first day of Kindergarten.  I cried that day.  I knew she was growing up and it was scary.  I cried on graduation day because she is a grown up, and it is scary.

It is bitter sweet really.  I knew it would come but I was still not prepared for it.  She really does deserve it though.  She worked very hard.  She fought each day to do her hardest.  She has Seizures, ADHD and some other things that really made it a challenge to remember all that she had learned.

Despite  these things she studied and worked hard to get the best grade she could each and everyday.  She is so smart too.  The seizures have robbed her of some memory but none the less she made good grades.  She worked hard and even won a scholarship for college.  She will be going in the fall.

She wants to be a teacher.  She wants to teach kindergarten or preschool.   She says she wants to make a difference by giving children the same start she got.  She loves school and really wants children to want to be there.  We joke about how she finished school, to go to school, so she can work at school.

Even though it has been a tough road she never gave up.  I could not be prouder of her.  I know she will do great things.  I have complete faith that she will make a change in the world.

                                                   

Another Year Ending

So here we are , another year over.  I am having mixed feeling really.  I am truly over this year.  It honestly was one of the crappiest years.  I lost my Mom, My daughter's health got worse and so did mine, my mental health has been shaken, and I got terminated from my job.

See why I am very unimpressed with this year?  The hard part is it means the last year my Princess is a child.  My little girl will turn 18 and then start her Senior year of high school.   That makes me sad and also ramps up my anxiety because that means new problems and I am totally unprepared to be the Mom of an adult who I still have to make all the decisions for because her health prevents her from being capable of doing it.  She is smart, and works hard.  She aspires to become a school teacher.  The problem is her seizures make life hard.  The truth is my adult child will still have days where she will be more like a 5 year old than an 18 year old. 

Totally not her fault and I accept that as her Mom this is absolutely my responsibility.  I have just spent 17.5 years making the decisions because she is a child.  What happens when I try to help and she says no because she really doesn't know what is happening right then or if I am unable to become her guardian so they will only talk to her and she gets too frustrated to make the right decisions?  Being a person with severe anxiety dealing with this has been an extremely difficult task.  I am soooo not ready.

As with the years past it does not matter how prepared or unprepared we are it will come.  It will bring with it whatever it wants and life will continue.  I think of the worst and pray for the best.  There will be no stopping it and all we can do is try to make each day count the best we can.

So as you close out these final days, just enjoy them because life is going to happen.  It will be messy sometimes and other times it will be great.  So my wish for all of you is that, May you have more great days than messy ones.

Thank you for visiting, until next time.

Another Year Older

So my birthday was Sunday and now I am a year older.  I am in my late 30's and so much has happened in my life.  This last year has been a complete roller coaster.  Though I have figured out that each year I worry less about the number my birthday brings.

I am more happy with spending time with my family.  For the last 3 years I have used my birthday weekend to go with my daughter and my parents to Uncle John's Cider Mill.  I am in Michigan in case you didn't know and it is a very popular place during the fall.  They have a pumpkin patch and make their own cider and donuts.  When we get there we take the ride to the patch to get started.

We stroll through looking for the perfect pumpkins, then we load them in the car and head into the mill and get cider and donuts.  We pick out a table and eat and drink for a moment.  Before we go we hit the gift shop to see what new stuff they have that year.  It is a small trip but one I enjoy.  Why do I enjoy such a simple birthday?  Because it is with people I care so much about.

Sure I could have a huge party and invite a ton of people, but would it mean as much?  Would it create the great family memories that I now have.  Not at all.  My daughter will soon be grown herself and the childhood memories will be just that, memories.  She will have things of her own to do and ultimately have less time for these types of things.  I want to do things that make me happy.  Having my little quiet birthday does just that.  One year older and another year of joy.

When Does High School Drama Stop!

When we leave high school we think that all of that drama will be behind us.  We are having to leave all the childish things behind and start new.  It is a time that we can be happy that we have made it through those crazy years.  Or is it?

I just had an experience yesterday that made me feel like I was in high school all over again.  I had a friend send me a message claiming that his ex had just called him telling him that I had told people he was my now gone babies father.  Her and I no longer speak and they are separated and he lives in a totally different state.  She is the one who wanted him to leave so please tell me why she is causing drama?  She has so little meaning in my life that she is not even aware yet that I am no longer pregnant.  She claims it was some one who has been a friend for 15 years.  Not sure if she meant mine or hers but the only people that we have both known that long are people that I no longer even talk to.

My thing is if she wanted him gone and has possibly even moved on then why is she constantly calling him trying to start fights?  Why is she using me to try to start these fights and make my life harder?  I almost had a complete break down because when he asked me about it, it brought back those feelings of losing my child all over again.  

She clearly is out to hurt people.  It is a totally childish thing to do.  Especially for a person who is almost 30.  Like do we not have grown up things to do, like maybe be a parent and mind your own business.  If you don't want to friends any more fine I am a big girl I have my own life.  If you don't want to be married that is your business but don't try making others miserable just because you are apparently not happy about some thing.  We Are Not In High School!!!!!

Happy Mother's Day

I was not prepared for what becoming a Mother really meant.  It is a huge sacrifice of your former self.  It has no manual to tell you what to do for any particular event that may come.  There is no pay, time off or anything that would be associated with regular employment.  None the less it is a position I proudly hold.

Our life together has not been easy since the beginning.  We have had our fair share of challenges to say the least.  The thing is at the end of the day we are together so the hard stuff isn't as bad.  I am able to see my daughter grow up into the amazing person that she is.  Becoming a Mom has changed me for the better.  I can not say where I would be if I had not become a Mom.

Being able to take care of my daughter and show her of to the the world is an amazing feeling.  She is really my greatest accomplishment.  There are so many things that I could have changed about the way I handle being a Mom but then would she be the same person.

So to all the Mom's who have put there children first and sleep last.  For doing your best to make the world just a little better by being there for them.  I shout to you HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!  May each year be better than the one before

When Kids Grow Up

As a parent we all want to treasure those moments when our children are little.  We love how they are constantly learning new things.  Everyday is a new adventure.  We get to have so much fun and get so much joy out of their experiences.  It is the joy of parenting.

The problem is they are growing up a little each day.  They know it is happening and are very eager to get to the next step.  As parents we just see our little baby playing and having fun.  Then BAM! suddenly it starts to set in to you they are growing up.  They are no longer a baby but they are learning to be more independent.

The hardest hit for me so far was realizing my daughter is a teen and she is really only 3 years away from being an adult.  It is hard to accept the fact that eventually she is going to be the one making all her choices and she will not have to listen to me about how to be careful or make sure you are doing this and that.  She is developing into a young lady and there is nothing I can do to stop what is happening.

Here is my advice.  Let them be little for as long as you can.  Do not force them to be older than they are.  They will grow up soon enough so let them go.  Let them get messy, be crazy, have lazy days, have pj day.  Soon enough they will have a fashion sense of their own, they will have activities they will need to attend to. They will worry if they look ok no matter what their fashion preference is. IT IS OK TO LET THEM BE LITTLE!  If your kid is not going potty at 1.5 do not let the parents who have kids at 1 using the potty get you down.  Chances are they are forcing their child before they are really ready and that could be scaring their kid.  Now if they are 5 in diapers then maybe you want to push a little more but even then maybe they are just late bloomers.  Lord knows my daughter is blooming far behind the other but I am ok with that.

The day will come that she has to be responsible and she will learn to get through it just like the rest of us have.  Soon enough I will be older and it will be her helping me make sure things are in order or I am getting around my house ok.  So for now I want her to be 14.  I want her to have 14 year old things to do.  I want her to look 14.  Soon enough she will be 18 and that is when it will time for her to look and act 18. Until then she is my little girl and I am not trying to rush a second of any of it.

Oh Soo Tired

I am so tired right now.  I can not sleep lately.  I went to bed at 3 and was still up by 8am.  Not sure what is going on.  I did however get some stuff done today.  Cleaned up got some laundry done and fixed a very bad extension  cord problem.

I love cooking in a crock pot as a easy way to cook.  Today I learned that I am not a fan of making crock pot fettuccine.  I used a jar of sauce so I thought it should taste pretty good.  It was pretty bland.  We ended up having frozen pizzas.  We gave the noodles to the dogs.  They seemed to like it.  I also think the crock pot is weird.  I have to cook only on low then switch to warm only after a bit or it starts to burn everything like it is overheating.  It is good enough though until I find my good one or go get another one.  I really like the ease of slow cooking and the variety of things that can be cooked.  Do you have a slow cooker recipe that you love to make?  Where did you learn to make it?

My daughter is back from her Dads weekend so I am super happy now.  I really miss her when she is gone.  Plus I miss tons when she is gone.  She is getting so big and before I know it she will be off to college and I will only see her on weekends or whenever she decides to come visit.  I am doing my best to spend time with her under these new circumstances so I don't feel like I missed anything.  I want to know that I made an impact on her life over the years.  I am determined that she will only have good memories to look back on even though her Dad and I didn't end up together forever I want her to go forward happy and healthy and loved.

When The Ex Comes Calling

So I found out my mom was in the hospital the other day but I was trying to stay calm because my dad said it wasn't to serious.  I went through my day the next day at work and just tried to keep my mind off the problem.  Then I saw a number on my phone and there was a voice mail so I checked I checked and was quite shocked at who it was.

It turned out to be my first ex-husband!  Now I really don't talk to him.  Our relationship went pretty much like this last one.  In the end he cheated but he is my daughters biological Father so he left me pregnant with not much to my name.  I have since gotten over the situation since I can't change it.  We have talked before so whatever.  Some how this voice mail seemed different though.  It just said call me at this number.  Well I thought about it and I did. 

When he answered he asked how I was.  I said fine then he said he had been itching so he knew he should call.  What he was talking about is that we got matching tattoos before our wedding but they are in Japanese so they just look like another tattoo.  After the divorce mine would occasionally itch an swell and with out fail every time it did he was up to something.  So I finally told him about it, so I guess he felt his acting up and decided to call.  Weird timing so I told him he was right and explained my mom.

We talked for 2 hours that night and I really let him have it for the things he put me through.  We talked about all kinds of different things.  We talked about my up coming divorce and I yelled a lot about things.  He told me things he had heard years ago and we just had it out and went through a lot of emotions.  At one point he mentioned me being mad at him and still hating him. Well I corrected him.

You see the truth is that I don't care any more.  I forgave him and stopped being mad about the marriage a long time ago.  I explained to him what I was mad about was his choices.  He choice to cheat, to leave, and to not be part of my daughters life.  That made me angry but it was also his problem.  He made those choices and what happened was neither here nor there.  I was long over the cheating and being left behind and my daughter doesn't even want to know his name so it is what it is but he made crappy choices.

We had a grudge match conversation.  We went at each other about all the faults that happened, who's fault it was that things ended, who cheated on who.  You name it we probably covered it.  I even started calling him names by the alphabet.  it was a very intense conversation.  In the end we said good night and talk later.

We talked another 2 hours yesterday.  It was kind of healing talking to him.  We never had a real closer to our marriage.  We lived in different states when the whole thing happened so it never really got resolved.  When he did move back it was more of a competition to prove who had moved on better.  Which I ultimately won that  one so that was satisfying.  We sat another 2 hours going through the same routine as the night before.  This time though I really let him have it.  Let him know what him acting like he did caused.

I wanted him to know.  He went through the routine of supposedly I cheated on him and whatever.  Finally I said your right.  Whoever you think I cheated with your right.  I did from now on who ever you mention that's who I will agree with.  I told him that now he can tell people I did it so he could feel justified about what he did.  Now he could blame me for every thing and the dismantling of our marriage.  This really got to him.  He didn't like it at all.  I simply took his ammunition from him.  That was good too.  It made him have to think about his actions for once.  After I finally just said your right it was my fault.  I gave up everything for you and did everything for you but in the end it was my fault that our family broke down.  I told him make sure he told people this too.  I no longer wanted people to think he had done me wrong.  Once he couldn't really make me mad about it, it kinda forced him to really look at the situation.  We talked a little longer then said goodnight. 

I text him tonight but he really can't talk to me.  I took away all the things he had over me to make me so angry these last 13 years.  The only thing he was left with was the cold truth and that hurt a little.  He always mentions that he knows he screwed up but he always says I had a big part in it and would never really let it go so when I finally said call me what you want and think what you want.  He no longer had control to make me angry of accusing me of random things.  I hope next time we talk that we can have and actual conversation with out dragging things out but who knows.  Only time will tell.  I just hope it doesn't take another 13 years for us to have a civil conversation

Starting Again

So I was doing really well with the blog and then got distracted but I see many people are still looking.  I am going to get back to it and we will see where it goes from there.  I have been up to so much this year.  I have been just so busy and working on so many different things. 

This year I started out separated and not feeling to happy.  I am now only three months away from my divorce and doing ok.  I have gone back to church more often and I am feeling much better in my faith now.  I am learning a better way to pray and to trust God even more.  It is nice when you can just feel great about things. 

 My job not so awesome but I have one and right now that is a bonus.  I can kinda pay my bills and I can feed my daughter and myself so that feels good.  My car is almost paid off so that will be nice when I am done with that.  It will be extra money to put toward some other bills.  I have been turned down for full time three different time so that has been a little crushing for me.  I applied for another one but not getting too excited about it because I have a feeling I am not getting which has a lot to do with the position itself and a little with my employers.

I have reduced my medications drastically which has been a very nice change for me.  My daughter has been having less seizures which is very exciting and her grades are up from last year along with her reading skills improving this year.  This is something she has struggled with for years.  She also got nominated for the new Leadership club at school.  She makes me so proud.

I have also been working on getting my business up and going strong.   I have made some changes to what I am doing and I hope I can get things going so I can work for myself and have more time with my daughter.  She is growing up to so fast I want to get as much time with her as I can before college comes around

Well that is a quick catch up of some of the things that have been going on with me since I have been absent from writing.  I hope I can keep you interested and get things going on the blog regularly again.  Thanks for reading.

Getting Nervous About Tuesday

So Tuesday is going to be a really big day here.  My daughter will officially turn 13.  Is exciting and sad at the same time.  I am so glad that she is here and mine but to know that she is growing up is very hard.  I am the kind of person who has worked hard at not making my daughter grow up to fast. 

I have enjoyed watching her just be a kid.  Somethings in my lief made me have to grow up a little faster than most kids and I wanted to make sure that never happened to my daughter.  I want her to be a kid as long as she possibly can.  That fact that she will be a teen means that growing up is just around the corner.  I am trying to let her hold on as long as she can.

This is also hard because I am not always the one she is with.  She goes to her Dad's house and she spends time with my friend when I am at work.  They are trying to make her grow up and she is still a kid and it is hard for her and for me to watch.  I really want my child to not have to worry about being more grown up when she is still a kid.

I am excited that I have been her Mommy for this long at the same time.  We have had some amazing years together.  I have learned a lot from being her Mommy.  She always makes me smile when I feel down.   She amazes me all the time with the things she says and does sometimes.  She is very smart on some things and it makes me smile all the time.  She is the most perfect thing in my life right now.

On Tuesday we will celebrate this special day and I will be happy for her but at the same time I will be sad.  I will know that my little girl is closer to adulthood.  All I can do is be there for her when she needs me.  I can love her with everything I have and at the end of the day hope for the best.