I'm BACK!!!!!!!!

Hey guys!! I know it has been a long time since I have written.  SOOOO much has happened it is crazy.  I may not post every day to start but I want to get back to doing my blog and reaching out to people.  I have a new Facebook page and lots of thing to share bad and good.  Stay tuned because I am ready for my come back and to start sharing my successes again.  Talk soon.

Just A Brief Moment

I am a little behind I know I need to give the next way I earn money.  I am actually doing a lot more, I am no longer working as of last Monday.  It has been great actually other than less money to work with at this point now but I refuse to give up on my debt free journey.  Currently I am working on earning Amazon points to pay for my daughters sweet 16 party.

I am super happy so far not working.  I have been able to be here for my daughter and actually get the rest that I need personally to recover mentally from all the stuff that has been going on.  I am not saying go out and quit your job but, I really feel that some people are not meant to work in a corporate world.  Ever since I was a kid I knew that I was not suited to work for the big companies and after many unhappy long years I am looking into pursuing something that is actually suited for me.

I will be back with more money making opportunities soon so do not worry,  Until then check out the older post for previously mentioned ways to earn and keep on working on the debt free journey.  God did not make you to struggle so stick with me, we can do this together.

Slightly Rough Day

So as some of you know my daughter suffers from neurological issues.  Most days are ok with a little confusion over small things.  She does her best to go to school as much as possible and tries to be positive as much as she can.  She is always worried about her friends and would do anything to help anyone.  She is my special princess.

Today was not a usual day.  She missed almost the whole school day and finals are in two weeks so that is tough.  She basically had short term memory loss for the whole day.  It was 9 pm and she still thought it was dinner time.  It is a little scary right now but I am still working to stay positive.  I know God is with us during this time,  I just wish that made me feel better about going to sleep.  Tomorrow could be a completely normal day or this could be the beginning of a tough week,

I think it would be easier to handle if I had more answers.  They can't tell me why she has seizures and migraines all the time.  They can't tell me if she will grow out of it or if we even have the right meds yet.  That is the hardest part for me.  I want to know what is going on and how I can help but I don't and I can't.

I want to help my princess but there is nothing I can do to make it better.  I just have to sit back and watch as she suffers and I can't do anything for her.  She depends on me to keep her safe and I can't against this particular situation.

A Positive Spin

So since the beginning of the year I have made an intentional effort to be more positive.  It has been going well and it is making things seem a little easier.  I have even been making a joke about things that are going bad and not letting them get to me as much.  I know it is only 5 days into the new year but I can see the affects already.  I notice my days are a lot easier and it is not as rough to go to work.  Things are easier to deal with even when it is a rough topic.

I am determined to keep this going all year.  No matter what happens I want to keep a positive attitude.  I am seeking God more in my life and actively seeking the good things that are going on.  I am not letting people get to me with negative thoughts or comments.  It is all in how you look at the world.  I want to see it as a good place.  I want my daughter to go into the world and create a positive space and I can't expect her to see the positive if I don't myself

We owe it to ourselves to have the best life we can,  There is no way to achieve that if we are constantly going around looking at the negative around us.  If we create peace and Joy around us then it will spread, It will infect others and help make the world a better place around us.

Stay true to yourself.  Find your own beauty and dance to your own music.

Getting Going

So I am trying to start the new year by getting my life and home in order.  The hard part is doing it with chronic pain and chronic fatigue.  The problem is you get motivated to get things done but have no energy to do it.  Your body and mind are exhausted but you attempt things any way and that only leads to more pain and exhaustion.

I really do try to keep going and get stuff done. I do not want my daughter to think I am lazy and that it is ok not to get stuff done but then I suffer later and can not do stuff that I want to do with her, further complicated by her seizures and chronic issues we are stuck in a cycle.  I want her to know that it is ok to live but showing her is a little harder than that.

This year I am claiming it is going to be a better year.  I am believing it.  I am going to attempt the gym more and go to church more often.  I want my daughter to know it is ok to be tired but you can not give up.  I am pushing through this year to show her there is more to life than the computer and couch.

I hope you are having a blessed day and enjoying the first day of 2016.

Feeling Pretty Good

So for a long time things were really rough.  Then all of the sudden the other day I was sitting here doing my surveys and such and it hit me.  I was fine.  I wasn't stressed even though a lot of things were crazy.  I was relaxed and at peace with my situation.  I didn't care that things were going wrong. I was just enjoying sitting with my daughter and doing my thing.  It was a great feeling.

As you all know it has been a long time that things have been going crazy for me.  Every day I woke up worried about what was going to go wrong and would I make it just one more day.  This day it was all gone.  I wasn't worried, or stressed or anything of the sort.  I was just at peace.  It was an amazing moment for me.  It has been so long but I got there.  Every day since I have thought about that feeling and I keep it going.  Not every day is perfect and sunshine but I am still here.

I am also thinking about taking a big step into a career change where I am in charge.  I want to help people.  I want it to be in a big way though so I am thinking of becoming a life coach.  I can help people figure out what they want to do and how to get there.  I am not sure this is my true calling but it has been on my mind day after day for at least a week now so I am researching the topic.  I think it would be amazing to help others find their true passion and how to get there.

I am ready to change and do big things with my life.  I know I am poor in money but I am rich in faith and spirit.  I am going to make it.  So will you.

Getting on With Your Life After Loss

So it has been more than a month since my loss.  I have good days and bad days.  Some things are a little more emotional than others.  My cousin had a baby the other day and day and my friend is about to have one any day now.  Don't get me wrong I am very happy for both of them.  I wish them nothing but the best.  It doesn't make it any less hurtful in my situation.

There are thing every where that are reminders.  Even reading the ads is hard when they are having the baby sales.  Seeing everyone out with there babies and knowing that won't happen for me is hard.  Sometimes I think about what it would have been like had I still been pregnant.  I know how much time was left and I think about how big I would be and what I would be feeling right now.

It is hard.  I remind myself of all the reasons that it is ok, like all the pain I was in and the fact that I have a child who already needs so much of my time.  Of course my age was a big thing.  The big one is God needed another angel for something.  Those things sometimes help me remember to not be so lost.  Then all it takes is one little thing like some one selling a car seat on line or a coupon for bottles and suddenly I am back to the fact that I don't need those because I am not pregnant.

It has only been a little over a month so it is still fresh.  In time I know I will be better.  I can't say it will ever go away but it will get better.  I will be able to see other people have new babies and not feel loss but rather joy and happiness.  One day the pain will be so much less but until then I will have to do my best to move forward.

A Few Updates

So today I am just going to talk about updates.  A lot has happened over the last year and I talked about some of them.  I am going to tell you today how things are going as we have made our way.

I have been divorced for a year now.  It is still hard to accept because I trusted him with everything I had which included my child, and he let me down.  The hardest part is he continues to let my daughter down but refuses to acknowledge she is hurting.  I can not change that.  I can only love her as much as I can and try to move forward.  He has completely moved and seems to be doing great while I continue to struggle with many things.  I pray and keep going and just do my best to help my daughter.

Weight loss is a constant struggle.  I have lost 20 pounds but have a lot to go.  We have had a rough year health wise so getting to the gym has been a distant thought completely.  I have a lot more to go but I am trying to at least be more conscious about how much I eat.  I don't really make a big deal about what I eat but how much and when. I am working on eating only when I am hungry and stopping when I am full.  Not snacking just to eat.

My daughter still has seizures and other things going on.   It has been a tough struggle this year for her health wise and it is really starting to get to her.  he is trying to remain positive but I know she is hurting in so many ways.  All I can do is be there for her and give her as much love as I can.  I continue to pray for her each day.

Things have been tough but My God, me and my daughter are tougher.  We will get through this. It may be next year or longer but we will make it and rest assured we will thrive at the end of the day.  

So Christmas Is Here

So Christmas is here.  People are excited and can barely contain themselves.  It is a great time of year.  We get to relax for a day and just take it all in.  It is the prize we get for making it all year long even through Thanksgiving when Black Friday hits and people lose there minds. 

So what is really important about Christmas.  Well it is a time when we as Christians can teach people about the birth of Jesus Christ.  We can touch the lives of others and hopefully help them learn about what Christmas is all about.  Now if you don't believe in God I am not here to preach to you and make you feel bad.  I am just saying that it is a chance to get the word out to people about a wonderful savior that is here. We can reach out to families that want to know more about what this season is about.

It is also a chance for family to spend time with each other.  We get one day to sit with each other and look back at all the amazing things that happened during the year.  I saw an idea on Pinterest and it was to put a slip of paper in a jar telling each time something good happened then on New Years eve take them out and read them so you can remember how good the year really was.  Me and my daughter have been doing this so I can not wait to pull them out and remember the awesomeness that was 2013. 

Christmas is a time of togetherness.  So make sure that you slow down.  Take it all in together.  Make sure you say I love you to the people that really matter most.  Even if you had a rough year there is something to be grateful for, even if it is just that you made it through the year and now have another to turn things around.  Just take the time to enjoy it.  Even if you don't have a ton of gifts to give you get to be with people you care for and that is worth more than anything you can purchase.

I probably wont write the next two days so I hope you guys out there have a blessed and wonderful Christmas.  I hope your time with your family is the best part of your year.

Starting Again

So I was doing really well with the blog and then got distracted but I see many people are still looking.  I am going to get back to it and we will see where it goes from there.  I have been up to so much this year.  I have been just so busy and working on so many different things. 

This year I started out separated and not feeling to happy.  I am now only three months away from my divorce and doing ok.  I have gone back to church more often and I am feeling much better in my faith now.  I am learning a better way to pray and to trust God even more.  It is nice when you can just feel great about things. 

 My job not so awesome but I have one and right now that is a bonus.  I can kinda pay my bills and I can feed my daughter and myself so that feels good.  My car is almost paid off so that will be nice when I am done with that.  It will be extra money to put toward some other bills.  I have been turned down for full time three different time so that has been a little crushing for me.  I applied for another one but not getting too excited about it because I have a feeling I am not getting which has a lot to do with the position itself and a little with my employers.

I have reduced my medications drastically which has been a very nice change for me.  My daughter has been having less seizures which is very exciting and her grades are up from last year along with her reading skills improving this year.  This is something she has struggled with for years.  She also got nominated for the new Leadership club at school.  She makes me so proud.

I have also been working on getting my business up and going strong.   I have made some changes to what I am doing and I hope I can get things going so I can work for myself and have more time with my daughter.  She is growing up to so fast I want to get as much time with her as I can before college comes around

Well that is a quick catch up of some of the things that have been going on with me since I have been absent from writing.  I hope I can keep you interested and get things going on the blog regularly again.  Thanks for reading.

Change In Plans

I know I said it was going to be about savings right now but I have had some days that are very draining.  Things have been so backwards and I think I keep making it worse.  I am not sure I am really listening to my inner voice.  I feel disconnected from every thing right now. 

I should be feeling excited and a little sad because my daughter is about to be a teenager.  Instead I am struggling with things that are going on around me.  I am praying for guidance but I will be honest I don't think I am getting it.  Not that something is wrong with God but there is something wrong with me receiving his grace and mercy.

I have been struggling with this for some time.  I know he is there and I have no doubt that he really does do miracles.  I just have not figured it out yet.  I don't think that I myself am capable of getting it.  Again don't get me wrong I am NOT anti God, I just feel that something in me blocks me from getting all that he has to offer.

This is all for today.  I am drained from the last few days so I am going to get ready for bed early.  Have a great night.

Emotionally Out Of Control

Today I had a break down emotionally.  It seemed like anything that could break me down was happening.  I literally cried the entire time I was in church service.  It was awful.  Now I am completely drained.  I have really lost all energy today.  Things were just out of control.  I have so much going on and I am worried about so much that I finally burst.

 I did talk to a member of the prayer team today and it helped a little.  I believe in God.  I have no doubt that he is out there and he does work miracles. That I do not question at all.  I have problems having faith in myself.  A lot of the time I feel like it is me that is broken and I am incapable of receiving all that is out there.  I know that this is not what God intends but I still can not grasp it in me.  I pray I tithe and I go to church but I still feel broken.

By no means am I trying to lead people one way or the other.  While I hope that everyone would find their path in Christ I also know that everyone has free will.  I am not hear to force my beliefs or UN-beliefs.  I am just here talking about how I have been feeling.  There might be some one out there with the same odd feeling and it might help to know they are not alone.  They may have questions also that can be answered.  I am hoping that people will start getting engaged and commenting on my posts so that everyone can find help with things that may be on their mind.

I have a lot to do and I am going to have to make a to-do list to get it all done but bit by bit I hope to get everything done.   Sadly I am also starting my divorce so it is a sad time all around any way.  On that note I am signing off for the night so that I can get some other work done.  Have a great day.