Feelings Are In

So now that I have officially announced that I am pregnant I am having backwards emotions. I am feeling overwhelmed.  I am not feeling the attachment I thought I would.  I am more scared than anything.  I so worried about what is going to be affected and if I am going to regret this.

I am going to be a single mom again.  I worry that my daughter is going to regret the new baby.  What if I can't take care of the new one.  I am so freaking out to tell the truth.  I really have no anything right now.  I know this sounds harsh but as parents we should be able to express our real feelings. Not ever pregnancy is rainbows and sprinkles.

They can be very scary and draining.  Things can go wrong or like me you may have no clue that this is still possible so it is total shock.  Why do we have to pretend that it is all wonderful if that is not how we feel. People keep saying that I will be more into it when it gets closer.  Well what if I am not?  This is a real concern of mine,  What if my older daughter doesn't connect with it.

There are just so many things running in my brain.  Doing it alone is much harder than the first time.  I thought I would be ok but the truth is I am petrified and that is my reality.

The Biggest Surprise Ever

So I had been super sick for weeks and with a history of health conditions it was time to go to the Dr.  I went and they did all of the usual stuff.  They started with the Urine test and then did the blood work and then due to my PCOS they sent me to get an Ultrasound in case of cysts or cancer.  They also wanted an ultrasound of my thyroid in case.

Last Tuesday was the day I was scheduled for the ultrasounds.  They were taking a million pictures and not really telling me much.  Then the tech says they would not be able to tell me any results that day but they should be available in 24-48 hours.  She keeps scanning because she has to do the uterus and both ovaries.  By now my bladder is beyond full and I just want to get to the part where I get to go to the bath room.

Suddenly she says you have a little one in there.  I look at her thinking she is talking about a cyst of some sort so I say excuse me?  She says you have a little one in there as in a baby.  WHAT!?!?!?!?  Sure enough I am pregnant again.

Talk about a major surprise!  My only child just turned 15 years old.  I am in my late 30's and not to mention I was told it wouldn't happen again due to my medical history.  Craziest moment ever.  So here I am laying there and she shows me the baby and plays it's heartbeat for me.  I was already 14 weeks pregnant.  I couldn't believe it.  I am going to be starting over again.  I hae not done this forever.

I am going to blog the next 5 months.  Hopefully it may help another older unexpecting mother at some point.  Plus my circumstance is not as completely joyous as you would think.  I will be single mothering with no help of any kind from the other parent so this will be interesting.  STAY TUNED!

Sorry For the absence Here is an update

So sorry I have not written in a long time.  So much has happened lately.  I am going to try to keep it short tonight but give you as much of the info as possible.

So on the weight loss.  That is going nowhere.  I have not been doing anything so I am still at the same weight as when I started my plan.  I know I will get there it is just going to take sometime to get there.

As for my marriage.  It officially ended on March 6th 2014.  It was not pretty that day and I was called a lot of names.  In the end I feel I did what was right for my daughter so I just have to move on and remember I can only do my best.

As for my job well I switched branches and I am doing good there. I have a lot to learn but they are very supportive so it makes it nicer.  I got a raise this year so I am happy about that.  I worked really hard to get it so I wish it was more but it is a start.

Things are a little crazy but I am really trying to stay positive and just move forward.  I am hoping by this time next year I will be much better off and closer to my goals.

That is all for tonight.  Have a great game.

New Year approaching, Proceed with Caution

So this year is almost over and that means a whole new start again.  This year has definitely a struggle so I am ready for a new beginning.  On the other hand I worry that I will bring this year to the next and that is not a good thing at all.  I want to start 2014 clean. 

My divorce will be official in March so i can finally move past all this drama.  My finances seem to be looking up so that is very relieving and mine and my daughters health have improved so I am super happy.  I am excited by all the blessing we are receiving.  It is hard to get too excited since I have been at this point before and then got sent all the way back to the start again.

I am very proud of myself for hanging in there and keeping my faith even when everything looked like it was over.  I still have a ways to go to be back where I was but the fact that I am on the right path is very exciting.  I feel that 2014 will be the year of recovery.  I see things getting better and better from here.

I encourage anyone who has been struggling to really reach deep.  Know that if you keep strong and keep your faith you can get through what ever is holding you back.  It may take some time but do not give up.  There is a bright side that will come through.  Please stay positive and just be true to yourself and it will work out.

Make sure that you pay real close attention to the people in your life too.  They can have a real impact on what happens.  Make sure you are trusting the right people and staying for away from the wrong ones.  Having positive people in your life that help you reach your goals can get you far.  You need people that will help you when you have nothing.

It is going to be a great 2014 just make sure you pay attention to what you are doing and don't give up.  Stay blessed and you will be impressed with how far you go.

Starting Again

So I was doing really well with the blog and then got distracted but I see many people are still looking.  I am going to get back to it and we will see where it goes from there.  I have been up to so much this year.  I have been just so busy and working on so many different things. 

This year I started out separated and not feeling to happy.  I am now only three months away from my divorce and doing ok.  I have gone back to church more often and I am feeling much better in my faith now.  I am learning a better way to pray and to trust God even more.  It is nice when you can just feel great about things. 

 My job not so awesome but I have one and right now that is a bonus.  I can kinda pay my bills and I can feed my daughter and myself so that feels good.  My car is almost paid off so that will be nice when I am done with that.  It will be extra money to put toward some other bills.  I have been turned down for full time three different time so that has been a little crushing for me.  I applied for another one but not getting too excited about it because I have a feeling I am not getting which has a lot to do with the position itself and a little with my employers.

I have reduced my medications drastically which has been a very nice change for me.  My daughter has been having less seizures which is very exciting and her grades are up from last year along with her reading skills improving this year.  This is something she has struggled with for years.  She also got nominated for the new Leadership club at school.  She makes me so proud.

I have also been working on getting my business up and going strong.   I have made some changes to what I am doing and I hope I can get things going so I can work for myself and have more time with my daughter.  She is growing up to so fast I want to get as much time with her as I can before college comes around

Well that is a quick catch up of some of the things that have been going on with me since I have been absent from writing.  I hope I can keep you interested and get things going on the blog regularly again.  Thanks for reading.

Weird Kind of Day

This is going to be a quick post for today.  Nothing went as planned and I have so much to still get done.  I woke up and things started good, then it got a little awkward.  Then work was weird as well so that really threw me for a loop.  The rest of the day did not go as planned either so nothing worked out the way it was supposed to.  I just got home like 3 hours after I was supposed to and I still do not have my divorce papers and I wanted them to be ready to file  tomorrow.

So it is the big day I finally start the process and I am not really sure how I feel now.  I was sad and then I was ready and now I just want to get it started so I can be done with it.  I have been married to him for the last eight years and never thought it would end.  Even when he told me he had gotten a girlfriend when I thought we were going to be making things stronger.  That my friend was a big shock.  You think that you are going to make your marriage stronger and he tells you he has a girlfriend and does not want to be with you like that anymore.  It was really hard.  Especially now that he puts his girlfriend before you and your child. 

He only seems to want to hang out with her when he wants and is very inflexible about weekends.  I am just beyond the whole situation.  I just want to get it done so that I can move forward with what is best for me and my daughter.  It in no way will be easy but after a year I feel it is time.  I really tried to work on it but he is unwilling so time to go.

Happy Days

So I have been busy the last two days and I hope it pays off.  I really want to get stuff together.  I am planning to file my divorce papers Wednesday which is sad.  I have been trying for a year with no change so I feel it is time to move on.  I have been working on the house trying to make it feel a little more like my home instead of my parents home.  We are making progress slowly but surely.  I feel things are turning around slowly in my favor.  It feels good for a change.

Work not so much.  I am not the favorite at work by any means so things can get a little sticky now and then.  It is a love, hate relationship.  I love my paycheck coming in but hate that I have to go to work.  I am trying to find something I can do that I really enjoy.  Maybe starting my own business.  I would much rather be the boss than keep working some place where I do not feel respected. 

I am just going to Keep Swimming.  It has to go up from here.  I do feel sad on some things but happy that I am strong enough to keep going.  I am thankful to the people who continue to support me even when I don't want to support myself.  It has been a long year and it looks like I am finally heading in somewhat the right direction.  I only hope the next year goes even better.

Well it is late and I have  plans in the morning.  Have a great day.

On Some Kind Of Weird High

So after so much that has happened I have actually been in a pretty good mood.   I saw a person that I used to go to school with and I have been talking to them for like 2 days.  It has been kinda great to just talk to someone about stuff.  Of course because of spending so much time texting I have not gotten much else done which is not a good thing at all.  I am behind again on everything it is really hard to be behind this much.  I really need to get focused because I will be starting school again in a few weeks, plus I have a birthday to plan.  Then there is the drama

I posted before about me and my husband and how we were not getting along.  I have decided to officially end it by filing paper work.  It will be sad and my daughter is not happy but we have not lived together in over a year and he doesn't even talk to me anymore so I think I am better off just moving forward and trying to be happy.  I really hate the idea I miss him a lot but he has shown no interest in even talking to me about our child so I think it is best that I just go on.

So I really don't know how to deal with it for my child.  She is soo devastated about the idea but I can't just sit here waiting for him to change his mind for years.  I need to do stuff that is going to make me happy so that I can make my daughter happy.  I truly hate that we could not make it work out but I guess it is better to find out now than when we are elderly and have spent our whole life's together and then don't know what to do.

 Well I am getting off of here to get some sleep and hopefully clean my house tomorrow.  Have a great day

Today Is One Of Those Days

So today was another good day at work.  With another crazy coworker day and a lot of nonsense work to be done.  I dove in and kept smiling even at the nonsense.  I have actually been in good mood for the fact that today was supposed to be special.  I should be celebrating and remembering a perfect day.  It should have been one of the happiest days of the year.

Unfortunately for our 8 year anniversary me and my husband are now separated.  When we should have been celebrating I have a feeling he was spending time with his new girlfriend whom he ironically met this time last year but didn't tell me about her until she moved here into his house which was like 2 months after he moved back home.  It was a blow for sure.  I mean we had our problems but the whole time we were separated for military reasons we were still talking and texting on a regular basis.  He is soo different now and it has really hurt a lot.  He not only treats me different but also our daughter as well.

She text him today and he never even responded.  He does this quite often and it is really confusing for her.  She and her Dad used to hang out all the time and now he chooses the new girl over her as well.  I think that is what makes it so hard even today.  She will be 13 next month which is such a special age and he won't even text me back to talk about her birthday.  It is a mess.

I am surprised by how calm I have really been today though.  I have been smiling and trying to get things accomplished and move ahead and do what is best for my daughter.  I just hate that I feel like I wasted the last 10 years of my life with this guy.  I was with him for 2 years before we got married and he knew how I felt because of past relationships but he made me forget all that.

He was fun and always made me feel special when we were together.  Eventually he asked and I said yes 8 years later he has a new girl and I have a lot of broken promises.  I really wanted to work things out as sad as that may seem to some.  I am starting to realize that even though I love him I can not just sit and wait to see if he gets bored with her and comes back.

The lack of anger and hurt that I do have today makes me realize that even though this has been hard I can still smile and I will at some point be OK.  I am going to be sad and I will always have some kind of love for him but I think that it is time for me to only look forward and smile at the sun.  I want my daughter to know she comes from a strong person and she can make it too.

That Funny Feeling

So I forgot to bring my meds with me on vacation so it has been 3 days with out them. I had planned to phase them out any way but this was a little faster than I had planned. I am having the foggy feeling from the withdrawal. It is not as bad as I thought it would be but it is still uncomfortable. I figure that by the time I got back home it should be over with. I am still working on the site so It is a work in progress. It is not completely the way I want it yet but it is getting there. I hope that as it grows you will enjoy visiting and the benefits it offers. Please feel free to offer advice or ask any questions as I continue this new journey.

Starting over

I have decided to start this blog from scratch. I too am starting over in many things so it is actually fitting in a way. The old blog had too many errors and such. Plus I want to take this in a different direction a little bit. I am hoping it will be more helpful in many ways and draw more participation than before.