Why can't I Just Be Not Ok

     So I made a post on Facebook today.  It was about how I feel in my life. I am about to be honest.  I have never felt like I fit in anywhere.  I have never been a fan of myself.  I struggle with mood issues because of these feelings.  I have struggled with getting through the day because I do not even know why I am trying.  I wrote how I have always been the odd one and that it was just hard when you do not feel like you belong anywhere. Now back to the story.

    I made the post about how I am the odd person in all situations and that I just do not feel like I have a place.  That things were difficult and I am just at odds today about this feeling that I had since I can remember.  I ended up getting a call about the post.  They decided to call because they felt offended by my post because they decided to take it personally.  Suddenly a post I made about me and how I don't belong made them unhappy because they could not understand where I was coming from.

                                

     Why can't I just be not  ok.  Why does what I say about my feelings suddenly become about their things.  Why was it that when I feel really bad about something that has gone on in my life for a long time, a person decides this is the best time to tell me that I am making them feel bad and it is offending them that I would say this.  Like yes I control my emotions based on how it might make people feel.  Oh wait!

                                

    All my life I have thought about how what I say or do will trigger people. I always worry that I will get a call about what I say. I keep a lot to myself because I do not want to explain to people why it has nothing to do with them and that they should not be upset because my mental health issues are not their problem.  I mean how am I supposed to process all my feelings if I can never talk about them because other will be offended and it will ruin their whole life and how they view it.

    Sorry about the big feelings today but I was already having a big feelings day and then this just made it worse.

The Thoughts That Come

    So when life hits it is really hard sometimes.  You get flooded with so many emotions.  Things just do not seem to be real.  You just start thinking about random things.  Your brain just starts processing some things and you really have no control over what it is thinking.  It brings a waive of ideas, memories, things that you should do, and the things you didn't do.

    Brains are a funny thing.  They do their own thing sometimes and you just can not control where it goes.  You smile at some things and tears form about others.  After awhile you can gain control of it and get it focused on what you want. Maybe it is work and maybe it is learning.  The thoughts do not last long they are little blips of time. 

    Whatever your brains focuses on today. I hope that it is something good.  I hope in that space you get to go through some good memories, or maybe you get to get hit with the most genius idea yet.  Where ever your mind goes today, I hope it makes for a good day.

Working on Positivity

 Hey all,

    So one thing I struggle with is keeping up my positive attitude.  I really do start each day with the best of intentions. I really want to be more positive in my day to day interactions.  I wake up and I say self, "I am going to have a good day, things are gonna be good".  Then IT happens!

    There is always something that just rushes in and ruins the vibes.  It is like I have this target that says kick me on my back and the universe is like "ok", let me throw some curves in here. I get clients yelling at me and calling me names, notices from the city about things that need to be fixed, but only 3 days before they have to be fixed.  Even though I have a budget my checking account will suddenly not have enough money in it.  I have no idea how this happens so regularly.

    Am I not being positive enough? Do I not really believe the positive energy?  I just am not sure how my day starts out so well and the next thing I know I am hit by a semitruck. Do you struggle with this?  Have you overcome it?  What is going on here?

                                            

Lets Do a Restart

     So it has been awhile since I posted.  My heart just was not into anything for a long time.  Life was such a battle and I really just didn't have it in me to life.  Now don't get me wrong, I do not want to die or harm myself at all.  I just didn't have the energy to try anymore.  It was so energy draining just to be.  I was sad about everything.  I lost my marriage, my house, most of my family had turned against me, I hated my job, my daughter was still struggling, you name it I was just going thru it and the motions to make it each day.  

    I just wasn't in a great head space.  everything seemed like a chore.  I hid in my house, I just went to work to pay my bills and then whatever I had to do to survive. It has been a long road but I am slowly getting back to some sort of normal.  I am planning to get back to my blogging and hopefully it is helpful to some people out there

Hand Sanitizer

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Just A Little Chat

Just wanted to come in and say hi, and I hope you are doing well today.  As we continue to stay in lockdown to kick this virus, I feel it is important that we have a place to chat.  I want to be encouraging in this time.  We are going to make it.

We have been through situations before and as whole world we have made it.  Yes there are people dying I know that, and I am not trying to lesson the tragedy in any way.  I just want us to remember that we have been through rough times as a unit and we will do it again.

The world is one place and while countries may be divided on many things, the one thing we can agree on is we have come through tough times together over and over and we can do it again.  I do not care where you are from, I want to be encouraging to you.

If you need someone to talk to, please reach out.  Comment on this post, on Facebook reach out on my page Your Happiness Ahead, send a message on messenger or post a comment.  Please do not sti alone and be sad.  I will talk it out with you.

We are all in this together.  I do not want anyone to be sitting at home depressed feeling like no one is there.  You are important and I am here.  We will beat lockdown together.

Your New Bundle

Hey guys, I hope today is going well for you.  I was thinking and realized that some of you out there are getting ready to have a baby.  It must be so scary to be thinking about bringing a new life into this crazy time.  I want to assure you it is going to be ok.

The world has faced many crazy times before, we have had to deal with extreme uncertainty many times.  We have faced severe diseases before and while scary, we have made it.  This is not the first global crisis nor will it be our last and that is just a fact.  What we do know is that we have made it each time one has popped up, this will be no exception.

With that said embrace this time.  Enjoy the journey, before you know it that baby will be here and you will be so full of love.  Enjoy every day, you will soon be watching them grow and turn into and amazing little person.

I know you are trying to get items around to be prepared and it can be a little difficult right now so here is a link to a discount on some items you might need or just want.  Enjoy https://amzn.to/2VzFeKq  lets beat this lockdown together, just as long as it is 6 feet apart

We Are All Struggling

I know there are many opinions out there about what is happening.  The truth is we are all being affected by this.  It isn't just a few people it is the whole world.  Rich and poor it doesn't matter it is hitting us all so we need to act accordingly.

I have had to stay off of Facebook other than my business pages because I couldn't take the drama anymore.  I started becoming a very angry person. Over the years I have learned that some times it is better to just not say what I think.  For two days I was not able to contain my mouth.  I was constantly snapping and feeling the need to react to what people were saying.  It was eat5ing me up inside.

The negativity was eating at me.  I now have physical pain from just how angry I was getting.  People were basically bashing people for things out of their control, no empathy could be found and people that are not even in this area were commenting on what was and was not true even though I was part of it and knew what I had seen, they still called me a liar and said I had not idea what I was talking about.  I snapped for sure.

That is not who I want to be.  I want to have peace and positive things in my life.  I do not want the negativity to creep back into my life.  I have been slowly working to make my life and future more positive.

My point here is we are all going through stuff right now but we can choose how we feel and how we behave.  We can not control how others behave but we can control how we react.  If the situation is not taking you in the direction you are seeking then change the situation.  Do not engage in things that do not bring you joy.

Stay happy and healthy and we can do this lockdown together

A Litttle Fun and Free Amazon Prime

Hey guys, I hope you are all doing well.  Being cooped up can be hard.  Thank you for sticking it out so we can slow the spread of this virus.  If we all do our part we can flatten the curve sooner than later.

I have an offer her for you guys to get Amazon Prime free for 30 days.  Just go to this link https://amzn.to/2ymnydh  and start your trial.  You can get discounts, and Prime only exclusives.

Stay safe and keep checking back for more offers and deals.  Lets do more on lockdown

Cute Reusable Masks

I found some cute face masks.  They are reusable and have a slot for the charcoal filters.  There are different designs so you can find one that you really like. Check out this https://amzn.to/2wCd0Gp

I have bought two already, I am waiting for them to arrive.  You can go to this link if you want to order extra filters https://amzn.to/2RzIRyR

I hope you are still doing well and staying safe and healthy.  If there are any products you are looking for let e know an I will see what I can find for you.

Looking For Masks?

If you are looking for masks try these.  I know we are trying our best to keep each other safe,  they may run out, I can not guarantee in stock.
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Looking For Supplies?

Are you currently looking for supplies in this crazy time?  I am going to be listing Items that I think might be helpful and any specials I can find to help.
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Graduation Time

So it happened.  My daughter graduated high school on Saturday.  It seems like not so long ago she was starting her first day of Kindergarten.  I cried that day.  I knew she was growing up and it was scary.  I cried on graduation day because she is a grown up, and it is scary.

It is bitter sweet really.  I knew it would come but I was still not prepared for it.  She really does deserve it though.  She worked very hard.  She fought each day to do her hardest.  She has Seizures, ADHD and some other things that really made it a challenge to remember all that she had learned.

Despite  these things she studied and worked hard to get the best grade she could each and everyday.  She is so smart too.  The seizures have robbed her of some memory but none the less she made good grades.  She worked hard and even won a scholarship for college.  She will be going in the fall.

She wants to be a teacher.  She wants to teach kindergarten or preschool.   She says she wants to make a difference by giving children the same start she got.  She loves school and really wants children to want to be there.  We joke about how she finished school, to go to school, so she can work at school.

Even though it has been a tough road she never gave up.  I could not be prouder of her.  I know she will do great things.  I have complete faith that she will make a change in the world.

                                                   

Long Day Over

Today was a long day.  One coworker has been out of town for family issues and another one is only part time.  That left 2 of us to run the office even though we had enough patients to fill the whole schedule.  It is exhausting to say the least.

I got extra tired part way through the day.  It was a challenge  getting the work done to say the least.  I wish there was two of me sometimes.  One to go to work and one to stay home and get this stuff done.  I am not a fan of house work at all.  It is not a secret either.  If I currently had the money I would sooo pay someone to clean for me.

I think if you can afford extra help go for it.  Just because you get some help doesn't mean anything bad about you.  It means you were smart enough to know your limits but still get stuff done.  Getting stuff done means you know what's up in life.  Especially if you h ave any type of health issues.  You really deserve to relax and get some help.  Plus if that is how someone makes their money then you are making it so they can buy groceries or gas for their car so definitely a good thing.

So this post was not planned and went a little here and there but that is kind of the idea of this blog.  I just write about what comes to mind and hope it helps some one else maneuver their day, or just feel better about the choices they make.

Till next time.

What is all the Hype About?

So unless you just really ignore the world around you, you have probably heard about CBD oil.  It is everywhere right now. The question everyone has is, Does it work?

 Yes it does is the answer. I have personally been using it since October of 2018.  I had such severe back pain I could not sleep through the night.  I would wake up and have to reposition myself every two hours.  It was horrible to say the least.  I never felt rested and my body could not recharge and heal itself.  I was so miserable, it was effecting everything.  I had no energy to get things done.  I also have anxiety which was getting out of control and that was effecting my ability to function.

I was actually on one of my Facebook pages that has to do with work and a lady mentioned it.  I decided to ask some questions.  After talking for a bit I decided it couldn't make things any worse.  I made a purchase and signed up to sell it at the same time.  I am so glad I made the choice to use it.

For the first time in two years I actually slept through the night.  I was so shocked when the alarm went off and I had not woken up during the night.  After a few days I noticed my pain was not really a thing anymore and I could get through my shift at work without feeling like I had been beat up. I was able to be calmer through out the day as well.  It was amazing how much better I was doing using a natural product.

I have begun to tell others about my experience because I want everyone to be able to receive the benefits of this great product.  It really is an amazing thing.  On a completely unintentional side I have also lost 20m pounds.  I have not been able to lose weight for years.  This was a great side effect to me.

If you want to know more please visit my web site at cbdwithbecky.com  and learn about the different products we have.  I encourage you to try one of our sample packs to see how it can help you.  You will be amazed at what our products can do for you.

Another Year Ending

So here we are , another year over.  I am having mixed feeling really.  I am truly over this year.  It honestly was one of the crappiest years.  I lost my Mom, My daughter's health got worse and so did mine, my mental health has been shaken, and I got terminated from my job.

See why I am very unimpressed with this year?  The hard part is it means the last year my Princess is a child.  My little girl will turn 18 and then start her Senior year of high school.   That makes me sad and also ramps up my anxiety because that means new problems and I am totally unprepared to be the Mom of an adult who I still have to make all the decisions for because her health prevents her from being capable of doing it.  She is smart, and works hard.  She aspires to become a school teacher.  The problem is her seizures make life hard.  The truth is my adult child will still have days where she will be more like a 5 year old than an 18 year old. 

Totally not her fault and I accept that as her Mom this is absolutely my responsibility.  I have just spent 17.5 years making the decisions because she is a child.  What happens when I try to help and she says no because she really doesn't know what is happening right then or if I am unable to become her guardian so they will only talk to her and she gets too frustrated to make the right decisions?  Being a person with severe anxiety dealing with this has been an extremely difficult task.  I am soooo not ready.

As with the years past it does not matter how prepared or unprepared we are it will come.  It will bring with it whatever it wants and life will continue.  I think of the worst and pray for the best.  There will be no stopping it and all we can do is try to make each day count the best we can.

So as you close out these final days, just enjoy them because life is going to happen.  It will be messy sometimes and other times it will be great.  So my wish for all of you is that, May you have more great days than messy ones.

Thank you for visiting, until next time.

Quality-V-Quantity During the Holidays.

Hey there!!! With Christmas just round the corner I wanted to share something.  Do not forget what the holidays are all about.  Sue it is nice to get a gift from people, but the important part is the time spent.

Especially with kids.  Most of the time people can not remember what they got for Christmas when they were little but what they do remember is the people.  They remember that they always spent time with their loved ones.  That family was there.

Don't have a big family or really any family?  Again it is about quality.  Spend time with your favorite people.  Make the time count with the people that matter the most to you.  That is the big picture here.  For me and my daughter it is time with my parents.  Unfortunately since my Mom passed this year it is a little harder but that means the time with my Dad is even that much more special.

No matter who is there or what you do I sincerely hope you have a blessed and happy Holiday season.

Thanks for visiting talk to you soon.

Do You Need Extra Cash?

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You can earn as little or much as you want.  It is great if you have a bill to pay each month that is an extra like Netflix.  I make sure I make enough each month to cover Netflix.  I get to watch my shows and movies and I never actually pay for it.

You can watch videos, take surveys, print coupons, and so many other things to earn points and from now until the end of the year they are giving you a bonus!  For the points you earn each week you will earn a percentage extra as a bonus.  The more points you earn the bigger the bonus percentage gets.  You could pay for your whole Christmas if you really wanted to.  I have been using it for a few years.  Last year I made over $400 extra dollars just using this site.  This year I am behind but I have still made over $100.  By the time this month is over I will have earned enough to cover Netflix for a year and have a little extra.  What are you waiting for?

Thanks for reading.  Until next time.

How the Year began

So in previous posts I said I would explain a lot of other things, so here is the start of that.  This post will be hard so I will tell you how this year started and then I will highlight other events in another post so I can get through this one without losing it completely.

This year started out with my Dad letting me know my Mom had not been feeling well so she decided to go to the hospital.  That was nothing new as my Mom had been in the hospital many times before because she had pneumonia a lot and some times it got bad and she had COPD so she needed help sometime.  I asked him did I need to come and was assured that it was just a normal trip and things would be ok.  This went on for a few weeks and my Dad got the same answer from Dr.s and relayed it to me saying there was nothing serious happening the infections was just pretty bad and she had developed a UTI so it would just be a little longer .

At this point you are probably thinking why would I not have gone and visited my mom in the hospital after he being there for a few weeks.  Well as you may remember my daughter has seizures.  Things have been out of control and the hospital was over an hour drive and I also had to work to support me and my daughter.  I felt bad but my Dad reassured me that my Mom was ok and a couple times I even chatted with her on the phone so that made me feel a little more comfortable in the situation.


One day I get a call from my Dad and he is crying so I panic.  Finally he tells me he got a call and we have to make a decision. I am freaking out because who wants to do that.  So I go get my cousin from work down the road I smoke a million cigarettes (I know not the best idea) while we get my aunt and daughter.  My cousin goes back to work while me, my daughter , and aunt drive two hours to my Dad who is at his house in shock.  More family comes as we talk about what to do.  We decide that me and my Dad and daughter will go in the morning to talk to the Dr and get more information.

That was a complete disaster.  We get told different stories and that we should not have received that call.  Things were not good but they didn't think we were to that point yet.  My Mom was responding to us being there and even gave my Dad a kiss.  We were Pissed to say the least that they put us through that.  Family from out of state was on their way because we thought my Mom was about to die.  We visited with her and everyone and after a few days were assured that they were not convinced she was going to die soon.  We all go home and for two weeks my Dad tells us how things are getting better she is still responding to him and the Dr's are hopeful.  Things feel good.

Then it is February and my Mom's birthday is here and we are excited because she made it another year and things seemed good.  My Dad went to visit her and spent most of the day with her and said she was tired but doing good for her situation.  It was getting late so he told her that he was going back to the hotel room and would be back in the morning.  I had talked to him and her and we planned for us to come visit later because we wanted him to have the weekend with her.  It was about 11:00 pm on February 16, 2017 and I had just crawled into bed.  My phone lit up and it was my Dad, as I answered I grabbed my daughter and started getting out of bed and putting my shoes on.  What happened next has shattered our whole world.

They had called my Dad and said she didn't have much time.  Before I even hung up we were almost in the car and time was not real.  I had to get gas and bought more smoke (again I know, bad idea).  My daughter got a hold of people as I drove for what seemed like forever and got pulled over twice for a broken taillight.  We arrived and the strongest woman I know, the woman who taught me to be strong and be a mom was so weak.  She barely responded but tried to hang on.  We prayed, we brought in a priest for final rights, we told her to hold on, we cried.

On February 17, 2017 at 2:30 AM we had to make the hardest decision we have ever made.  After 69 years on Earth, 38 years of marriage, 38 years of being my Mom, I was the reason they got married :),being my daughters Grandma for 16 years, we had to say goodbye.  It was the worst day of my life.  Her body had shut down, while her brain was working.  It was so unreal.  This year has been so hard.  My Mom was the person I would call when I needed advice.  She would tell me straight, she would never tell me what I wanted to hear, but rather what I needed to hear, good or bad.  It was the end of the world that we knew and the next week following her death was beyond stressful.

This has been long but I promised. So that is how my year started and it is still not getting much better but that is for another post.  I need to get myself back together.  Thank you for reading.  Unitl next time.

Time Flies

So yesterday we had my daughter's 17th birthday party.  It is bittersweet to be honest.  On one hand I am excited to see what amazing things she does in the future, but on the other it is hard to admit that my little baby is 1 year away from being an adult.

When she was born 18 seemed so far away.  Even as the years passed it still seemed like there was plenty of time left for her to be a child.  To be honest even when she turned 16 it still didn't seem that close.  It felt like I still had all the time in the world.  Then this year hit and things took a crazy turn right from the start which I will get to in a later post but then it hit me.  My baby will be in her last year of childhood.

Next year my little princess will legally be an adult.  She will be left to be responsible for her own lief choices.  It is overwhelming. Did I do enough to prepare her for adulthood?  Will she be ready to face the world without me if needed?  It is really hard to accept this for me.

I plan to make this year great and just enjoy it.  I want her to enjoy the last year of childhood as stress free as possible.  I am determined to make sure I also do my best to make sure she feels ready to face her new challenges as they come.  I think as a parent you are never really ready for anything that happens the first time.  In the case of them growing up I feel like no matter how many kids you have it is always emotional when a child grows up.

So with that I congratulate all the parents out there on keeping it together while raising your kids.  To giving them your all and loving them each and everyday.  You Mom and Dad are rock stars.

Thank you for visiting.  Until next time.